Author Archives: a resident of Beckworth

Join Us At The MayDay Market This Sunday

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Hello Beckworth. It’s your glorious Mayor here… Don’t forget tomorrow, the annual french Le Marche De Fromage Et Onion (Cheese And Onion Market) will be back in town. All sellers have been in quaranteen & tested daily for a couple of weeks whilst staying at the local campsite, so are Covid free. This is the first chance to buy expensive french cheeses and onions directly from stall-holders and to be abused in two languages. Last years online event was sadly a debacle not to be repeated. Cheese doesn’t travel well in the post from France… Due to social distancing we will be limiting numbers entering the market and queueing systems will be in place… Alcohol will be prohibited offered due to previous drunken incidents by a rowdy few. 

As is traditional (face mask wearing) Emmental Fromagiers will set off from from Town Hall steps at 10am on Sunday and parade along Floyd Street to the market.

If the weather perks up (it doesn’t feel like Spring, April has been so cold) there will be events for the whole family (maximum six members excluding small animals). Socially distanced morris dancing by The Beckworth Bothamers is likely, but there’ll be no clacking of sticks or such interaction between them. A kite display by local celebrity Noel Edmunds is very likely as Noel says he needs the publicity and of course the highlight of the afternoon will be the crowning of Beckworth’s Miss Garlic 2021 (He crown and robes will be thrown to her or him from a safe distance (2 metre plus).

This year the “now all electric” steam-driven carrousel and dodgems” will be for viewing only from a safe distance, as will Flintlock Farm’s Mobile (Non)Petting Zoo. Derek Shipston’s (non-violent, non-swearing PC) Punch & Judy show is likely to be set up to entertain Covid free children and the Beckworth & Crewbury Historical Re-enactors plan to stage their once popular The Life Of Joan Of Arc at The Sports Field.

Have happy and safe Mayday.Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. Mayor.

All Political Roads (allegedly) Lead To Beckworth

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Local MP at the heart of all recent Tory scandals… Obtaining a £6,000,000 to provide PPE despite never having supplied medical supplies (and not actually supplying anything so far), Diddy David Cameron’s lobbying, the failure of Track & Trace and Boris Johnsons redecoration of Downing Street… He is also claiming it was he who told Boris to say **** another lockdown, lets line the streets with dead bodies…

Prince Philip Funeral To Be Shown On The Biggish Screen

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Hello my loyal subjects of Beckworth. Firstly may I extend, on your behalf, my condolences to HM The Queen for the loss of her dear husband of thirty years, Prince Philip. Secondly due to my personal generosristy I will allow the general public to view the funeral on biggish office TV which I will place, facing the street, on my windowsill. Due to social distancing please keep your family bubbles 2metres apart from others (or sit in your cars) and do refrain from drinking, swearing & picnicking outside the council offices. I do hope you’ll join me in watching the Duke’s last journey. Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. Mayor

Support Your Local Shops, Re-Opening Today

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Hello all. Today many of Beckworth’s local shops are re-opening their doors due to a relaxation of the recent draconian emergency laws. I’m encouraging you to all to visit them all, and our pubs, gyms, cafes, massage parlours, etc in the hope they can bounce back. Some have sadly shut for the last time so it’s important we support what’s left, so why not flock to the high street and show your support? Stay safe, don’t stay home anymore except when you need to workt. Yours sincerely, Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce

Your Favourite Pub Re-Opens Today

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This is a message to all of you wanting to get totally wasted (at a social distance & sat outside) after months of ruddy lockdown… Once again your favourite pub can stop being a half-hearted farm shop and get back to serving a small selection warm beers and last years’ stale snacks. We’re reopening at 2pm today and converted the car park, pavements near the pub and neighbours’ drive-ways into an extra large sprawling beer garden so we can serve many hundreds of p****** customers. The family room is closed (No sad loss, and we’re taking the opportunity to ban kids as they spread the virus). Toilets are out of bounds so please spend a penny before you visit us or use the churchyard… To put us in a post-lockdown party mood  ex-BBC DJ Kid “The Kid” Jenson is once again lending us a few mix-tapes to play. But the Police have warned anyone dancing, singing or talking loudly will be arrested. Or videoed for shaming on Tik-Tok. See you after lunch! Cindy Carmarthen, Bar Manager, The Blind Badger Pub & Venue

Old Beckworthian’s Easter Bike Race Today

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I trust you all have had a wonderous Eastertide and are in truly good lockdown spirits, if so apologies for being the bearer of bad news. I would have enjoyed nothing more than asking you to spectate at Beckworth School’s 17th century velodrome this afternoon for the annual cycle race meeting of the institution’s alumni.… But sadly Covid restrictions mean the race will take place behind closed doors with no cheering hoards in attendance. At least it will be better than last year where we attempted to hold the race “virtually” with all cyclists riding in their gardens and monitored by computer cameras and those blessed smart phones…
It wasn’t the greatest success, results were questionable at the least, video images blurred and no medals were given. As you will doubtless remember the highlight of the afternoon in previous years, The Class of 1942′s “Penny Father’s competition”, has been replaced by a Class of 1952′s “Penny Father’s competition,” which admittedly last year was a disaster due to drunkenness and the copious use of profanities. Here’s hoping for better luck this year… We are expecting about a dozen old boys and masters to ride their vintage high-wheeler Penny Farthing bikes, all aiming to win the Rt Hon Alvin “Toffee Smuggler” Lewes Cup. Let’s hope next year you will all be able to attend and cheer us on. Yours Sir T.T. “Wonky” Windsor. President. Beckworth School Old Boys

Be A Happy Eater This Easter, Have An Egg In Your Kebab

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Showing the one you love you care is what Easter is all about. Don’t be a fool and give them stale hot cross buns or cheap chocolate eggs, have a kebab delivered instead… We’ve now even added boiled egg as an Easter garnish. We will deliver all you need for Easter, safely through your letter box, and for the lowly price of £39.99 per kebab (including delivery). Or you can pick up in person, but wear a mask and keep your distance… Stay well, stay home. Khristos Knossos, Knossos Kebabs