BOGOF. Tomorrow We’re Recreating Two Historic Events, In One “Explosive” Re-Enactment

Just a reminder that on tomorrow, from 3pm, we will be simultaneously recreating both the The Battle Of Agincourt and The Gunpowder Plot on the sports field, seamlessly intertwining events. It’s a historical Buy One Get One Free! We’re celebrating the fact it’s 500 years, almost to the day, since the Agincourt power-struggle happened on a battlefield somewhere in Britain and 400 since Guy Fawkes invented bonfire night by allegedly trying to blow up the House Of Parliament. We’re winging the battle a bit as we’ve not found much in the way of records to help our battle scenes but we’ve got tons on the plot. The only downside is we’re lacking our star re-enactor who always plays Guy and has the costume (He’s currently residing at Her Majesty’s Pleasure), so we’ll use a dummy instead. But get this; recent evidence has come to light that proves the gunpowder plot was actually all a big misunderstanding. The story goes that a thirsty Mr Fawkes and and his friends had been barred from a Westminster pub due to unpaid ale bills and repeated fornication at the bar and wanted their revenge. So they planned to blow-up said public house. But due to a lack of electric lighting back in the “dark ages” Guy’s crew couldn’t clearly see what building they’d planted the gunpowder in. And as history shows they accidentally put it under Parliament, thinking it was the pub they’d targeted. Imagine their disbelief when they were arrested and tried and hanged and stuff for treason. Poor old Mr Fawkes. Still without his blunder no one would have bothered inventing burning effigies, bonfires or fireworks. Imagine a world without trick or treating. Or pumpkins and sparklers! It doesn’t bear thinking about. So thank you Guy Fawkes and your randy drunk friends… It would be interesting to know what inventions battling Agincourt led to. See you all tomorrow. The Beckworth & Crewbury Historical Re-enactors

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(Above) “Guy Fawkes” from the Beckworth & Crewbury Historical Re-enactors just prior to his arrest earlier this year

Remember, Remember The 6th Of November

Hello all. Just a reminder that this year’s bonfire celebrations will be happening on Friday 6th not Thursday 5th, so we can all stay out extra late. Attractions will include a video of a bonfire and fireworks on a quite large screen (due to health and safety concerns over real fires), a torch-lit choir, vegan food stalls and an effigy of Guy Fawkes lovingly made out of recycled rubbish from the local power station. Prof Brian Cox will tell the story of the gunpowder plot from a small marquee (weather permitting) and for the under-5s the local Peppa Pig tribute band will be playing on a small open-air stage. See you all on Friday! G. Grimsby. Mayor

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(Above) The Peppa Pig Tribute Band practicing their bonfire songs earlier today

All Hallows Service Today

Dear flock. Just to remind you that this morning’s All Hallows (All Saints) Day service will be starting after lunch at 2.15pm as I want to listen to Desert Island Discs. It is bound to be a most riveting programme as Marjorie Wallace is the stranded victim. Who I hear you ask? She is the gifted mental health campaigning daughter of Barnes Wallace, inventor of the bouncing-bomb and cats-eyes (those reflector things in roads, not a feline’s optics). She is also married to that funny man Wallace from the animated television series Wallace & Gromit.

Please gather outside the church at 2.10 and we will all skip into the church singing When The Saints Go Marching In accompanied by the local prison brass band (if they don’t all try to escape). Please remember to come to the service dressed as your favourite saint  and carry a carved-out tomato as a lantern, for as we know this is the ancient Christian tradition on All Hallows. See you all later today.

May your God be with you, Cyril Knutsford. Vicar. Beckworth St Faiths

Wallace & Gromit with Lin O'Brien

(Above) Marjorie Wallace with her husband and devoted dog outside the BBC’s Desert Island Discs studios earlier today

It Was An (Almost Entirely) Happy Halloween

Thank you to all residents for an almost incident free Halloween. The carefully controlled trick or treating went smoothly. There were only forty-seven arrests and as usual, due to Police zero-tolerance policy, it was the under 10s causing the problems. The police chief has stated the rioting that ensued is most likely due to sweet induced sugar rushes. On a lighter note, congratulations go to the Beckham family who won both the under-18s and adult Halloween Costume competitions. G. Grimsby. Mayor

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(Above) Thrilled Halloween costume winners, Victoria Beckham and very tall son Romeo, photographed whilst out trick or treating last night