Remember, Remember The 6th Of November

Hello all. Just a reminder that this year’s bonfire celebrations will be happening on Friday 6th not Thursday 5th, so we can all stay out extra late. Attractions will include a video of a bonfire and fireworks on a quite large screen (due to health and safety concerns over real fires), a torch-lit choir, vegan food stalls and an effigy of Guy Fawkes lovingly made out of recycled rubbish from the local power station. Prof Brian Cox will tell the story of the gunpowder plot from a small marquee (weather permitting) and for the under-5s the local Peppa Pig tribute band will be playing on a small open-air stage. See you all on Friday! G. Grimsby. Mayor

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(Above) The Peppa Pig Tribute Band practicing their bonfire songs earlier today

Why Are The Clocks Changing Again Prof Cox?

Hello all, Prof Brian Cox here. Once again, and I do mean again, I am using my brain that that’s the size of a planet to answer your repeatedly tedious questions. I’m a patient, yet extremely busy, celebrity doctor with gorgeous hair aiming to improve your humdrum lives, but please stop trying to elicit the same b****y information from me. At this time of year I can be certain that some k**b will ask me why do leaves go brown, is it time to put the central heating on or why do the clocks change? I got asked the latter just yesterday by one of my foreign celebrity fans, Xi Jinping, the King of China who I met at a boring function in London. On being introduced to me he failed to bow or even mention how great my hair looked, which put me in a bad mood. Then, to add insult to injury, he got me to sign an Ultravox 12″ single. Even though I’d said I was in Tears For Fears. Anyway, I told him in no uncertain terms, as i’m telling you, please make the effort to read my fact filled blog entry (on this site) about the b****y clocks changing, as I only wrote it two years ago. It’s all there and i’m in no mood to repeat myself. ‘Nuff said. The king looked a bit crest-fallen when I had to rush off and leave him, but I had an important engagement to play croquet with my new best friends The Duke & Duchess of Cambridge and David Cameron. No doubt i’ll be back answering your insipid queries soon, so keep the faith. Ta ta, Prof Brian Cox.

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(Above) The King of China tries to tell a disgruntled Dr Cox a funny story about a large fish he’d once caught

Come & Watch The Eclipse From Our Car Park

Tomorrow will be a wonderful day for fans of the sun, the moon and beautiful manly hair, because we’re expecting an eclipse at 8.30am over the pub car park and Dr Brian Cox will be giving us a running commentary. The doctor has promised to tell us all about eclipses and will be signing photos (at a cost) and selling dark sunglasses so we can look directly at the sun. The pub will be selling alcoholic drinks and bar snacks and entry to the car park is only £15 at the gate (no entry after 8.15 to avoid overcrowding). So bring the whole family and enjoy some Dr Cox sky watching. Cindy Carmarthen, Bar Manager, The Blind Badger Pub & Venue

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(Above) An eclipse. Just like the one we’ll see tomorrow morning in the carpark

Do You Know A Good Hangover Cure Brian Cox?

Hello to all my devoted followers and my beloved hairdresser. Beautiful Professor Brian here to answer your New Year’s question “Is There A Cure For A Hangover?” I’ll keep this brief as for some unknown reason i’ve got a really bad headache and a bout of nausea… When our prehistoric ancestors invented alcohol as a way of forgetting their woes (noisy dinosaurs flattening their mud huts, mammoths eating the family etc) they accidentally gave the world the hangover. For millennia cultures have searched for an elusive remedy… But after 3 or 4 weeks of non-stop hands-on research on behalf of all humankind I’ve discovered that the best cure for a hangover is (drum roll please while i flick my luscious fringe)… to just carry on drinking through the next day… and the next.

So, in the spirit of scientific discovery I’m rushing off to meet my close friends from Top Gear in the wine bar for a shandy or three. Thanks, Prof Brian Cox.

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(Above) Professor Cox’s drinking buddy Clarky Clarkson gets the first round in earlier today, who alongside Andy Hamster and Jimmy May are researching hangovers

Professor Cox’s Did You Know This: Who Invented The Ring Binder?

Hello all, Brian here, and once I’m again using my vast knowledge of the universe to improve your lives. Today, i’m answering one of the BIG questions. The sort of questions that keep people awake at night. Who invented the ring-binder?
Well, we have to go back to the days of pre-history when plague, famine and foreigners were the scourge of the land, and battles between neighbouring countries were an everyday occurence. It was like the Vietnam war but without the choppers. Then one day a lady with a lamp, Florence Nightingale, happened upon the cause of all the conflicts. The European countries lacked convenient file storage. Whole continents were in turmoil over misfiled accounts and everyone wanted paying. Calmly Florence decided to give over her life to finding a solution. After six years of late nights (thankfully she had her lamp), poor health and many failed attempts she at last invented the ring-binder we know and love. Almost instantaneously countries adopted her filing system, and with invoices being paid on time there ceased to be a need for war. At a stroke Flo had invented world peace… That was until someone realised the need to invent the hole punch.

So there you go, another Did You Know This fact complete. I’m rushing off now as i’m giving Loyd Grossman a lift to the vets. Thanks, Prof Brian Cox.

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(Above) Stationery heroine Florence Nightingale waiting at the Doctors
(Pictured without her lamp)

Professor Cox’s Did You Know This: Why Do We Have The Longest Day?

Hello all, Brian here, I’m once again using my immense knowledge of the universe to improve your lives. Today, as you probably know is “the longest day” and all over the planet people are celebrating but how many of us know why? The answer is, like so many of today’s inventions, down to our old friend the Romans.

Before the Roman’s no one had any idea about time nor had they noticed that some days were noticeably longer than others. In fact it was the ancient Greeks in about 550BC who first discovered night time, before that people were probably too dumb to care. Anyway in about 220BC a roman scientist and cloud watcher called Cumilus Nimbus noted that at on some days he could apparently watch clouds for longer than others. He got his friend, a jeweller called Timexius Swatchius, to invent the sandclock (the forebare of the egg timer) so Cumilus could time the hours in the days, and sure enough his hunch was correct. Some days were longer. After 6 years of study Mr Nimbus declared that one day in particular was longer than all the others put together, but due to human error he believed the longest day was April 14th. It wasn’t until 15AD that another scientist, and coincidentally also a cloud watcher, Stratus Fractus did further lengthy studies and correctly identified that June 21st was actually most often the longest day. To celebrate the momentus occasion, his friends Blackerus and Deckius invented the barbecue to cook food for the Gods. Mr Fractus didn’t stop with a longest day, as in later life he also discovered there was a shortest day, and he was overjoyed as that almost coincided with the birthday of his good friend and neighbour Jesus, which meant party time! So there you go, another Did You Know This fact complete. I’m off to the pub now as I’ve got a bet on with the Pet Shop Boys to see who can drink the most pints of beer in daylight hours. Thanks, Prof Brian Cox.

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(Above) A Roman centurian enjoys one of the first Longest Day barbecues

Poisonous Snake Found

Dear All. Please take care and be vigilant as Beckworth may have become infested by a swarm of hostile snakes!! I have just found one in a lettuce on my allotment, and looking it up on Dr Brian Cox’s website have identified it as the world’s smallest venomous snake. To quote the keyboard-playing professor it is called “the pygmy cheese python (latin: pythonus camembert pygmius), is a native of Southern France and Belgium that likes to make it’s nest in soft cheeses, can grow to over 2″ in length and has a venom so strong it could kill two grown men with one bite, if they were stood very close to each other.” In other words handle with caution as it’s a killer! I tried to hand this one into the Police but they said they don’t deal with vermin, so i’ve put back in my neighbours vegetable patch until I can work out what to do with it. Beckworth take care. Clifford

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(Above) The Pygmy Cheese Python photographed on my allotment just before lunch

Professor Cox’s Did You Know This: Royal Food

Hello all, I’m being paid a vast amount to use my immense knowledge of the universe to improve the educational value of this website. I will be posting regular facts in between filming science stuff for the telly and doing gigs with my reformed band Tears For Fears. This Information is bound to astound and amaze you. And from time to time, as an added bonus for my fans, I will also post photos of myself for you to download.

So my first big “Cox” fact is: Everyone knows that Royalty has invented many lovely, simple recipes over the years. For instance the Queen made Coronation Chicken sandwiches to celebrate her Jubilee in 1953, her mother, Queen Victoria, invented the Victoria sponge to acknowledge the abolition of slavery and her sister Margaret came up with sherry trifle because she loved alcohol.

But did you know that our Queen’s Uncle, Lord Mountbatten, was the inventor of a rather delicious staple of afternoon tea? I’m talking about the bright yellow and pink cake called Battenburg. So how did Mr Mounbatten come to bake such an innovatively hued sweet dessert I hear you ask? Well, its a long story set in the 1890s that i will outline here:

A young Terry Mounbatten was captain of the steam ship HMS Lard, sailing the South China seas delivering his precious cargo of butter, sugar, eggs, flour, vanilla essense, marzipan and two types of food colouring to the East India Company. When all of a sudden, like a scene out of that film Titanic, the small orphaned, rag wearing, dirty cockney cabin boy on look-out in the crows nest, shouted out loudly in his cockney accent “Ice Berg ahead captain.” There wasn’t a moment to waste, and even though Mountbatten was at the time enjoying a well-earned relaxing bubblebath with his first mate, he rose, towel-dried, donned his best sailor outfit and put all his boy-scout training to good use. For even though the ship was perillessly close to the berg, about two and a half nautical miles to be precise, Terry managed to steer a safe course past the looming ice thingy. Hurrah shouted his men, we need to celebrate with a feast. But what on earth can I make that suitably extols our near death experience thought Mounty? Then he remembered the cargo in the hold. Surely the East India Company wouldn’t deny him using about 175g of the ingredients to bake a celebratery dish? As he had no mobile phone he couldn’t ask permission, so being a brave man he took matters into his own hands and went ahead with the bake regardless. As history attests the dessert was so so delicious that news of Lord Mountbatten’s “We Didn’t Hit An Iceberg” Cake spread the globe and before you could say “He bakes exceedingly good cakes” a Coventry-based baker, Mr Boris Kipling, had bought the recipe.

But Kipling found had a big problem with his new cake. For the name was impossible to fit onto his small boxes. But not to be outfoxed the wiley baker abbreviated the name, at first to Mounbatten’s Hit Cake, and then after extensive market research (he asked Mrs Kipling her opinion) to the Battenberg name we know and enjoy today. So there you are, my first Did You Know This fact! Well, i’m off to indulge in some cake myself before I have to appear on stage with my band. See you soon, Prof Brian Cox.

Ice Battenberg