Good afternoon my flock. As you know today is one of the most important dates in the church calendar and one which I personally look forward to the whole year. For today is Palm Sunday, when our Christian family celebrates the day our Lord rode into town on a stolen donkey, just before preparing his twelve disciples a scrumptious bread and fish based brunch, no doubt washed down with lots of red vino. The Bible tells us Jesus cooked it all in palm oil, which gives today it’s name and a reason to celebrate on the last Sunday before Easter. And just like Christ and his dozen or so chums today we would usually eat fried foods off the floor together, such as bacon, black-pudding and eggs, all cooked in palm oil. I say usually because today’s Sunday service is being postponed until tomorrow evening as I’ve a dreadful hangover and the clocks changing has really thrown me out today… But at least we can now look forward to having a Palm Monday Evening Service, and who knows it may catch on! So tomorrow, from 7pm, our church warden Noddy Holder will be on cooking duty but we’re relying on you my flock to provide the grub, so raid those larders and be generous. Please join us at Christ’s home tomorrow and let us fill the pews with praise, food and lots of wine. God Bless You all. Cyril Knutsford, Vicar, Beckworth St Faiths
Hello all, it’s your favourite popstar turned genius here. Yes, the Godlike Prof Brian Cox. As is usual this time of the year readers have been wasting my precious time, wanting me to answer the same scientifically tedious question, year in year out, it never changes… I’m talking about you all asking why do the clocks change. And why do it twice… I’m in a bit of rush but the succinct answer is because of those unelected rule-makers in Europe. Over a hundred years ago they decreed that our glorious United Kingdom need to be taught a lesson and given a bloody nose (it was during WW1 after all). So spies from the continent sneaked into Great Britain and started messing around with all the clocks, putting them forward by an hour or so (or it may have been back)… Because of this our poor soldiers were getting up in the middle of the night to fight the Gerrys and by day break were totally exhausted…. It took 6 months before all the clocks were put back to the right time. Our government at the time thought this was all spiffing fun seeing the working class getting up at unGodly hours that they decided to keep the clock changing going, twice a year… And now we’re so used to it that no one argues that it’s a great waste of time or question why we do it! So that’s the answer… now i’ve got to rush, I’m having a lazy Sunday lunch and drinks with one of my best celebrity pals, Declan Donnelly, who’s looking for a new workmate…. See you soon, and keep the faith. Ta ta, Prof Brian Cox.
Spring Solstice news just in… Today is officially the start of the Spring Solstice (that’s Spring to you and I) and thank goodness the snow had gone and the weather was not freezing as our local druids put on an admirable display of nudity and fornication at sunrise this morning… Due to a mix-up over the date I’m told there weren’t actually many druids, witches or Harry Potter fans in attendance (five at last count) at the ancient Hammerite standing stones to celebrate today. But never fear, they’ll be doing it all over again in June so you’ve not really missed out (unless you love watching old bearded blokes displaying there todgers whilst dancing around mumbling). Anyway it’s been a quiet day in the world of news, what with no drunks celebs crashing their cars today or Russian’s knocking off spies, so i’m glad a bunch of tramps celebrated spring and saved me from redundancy. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Pagan Worship Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette
Hey you lucky people who have Mums, Sunday is Mother’s Day and to celebrate we will be opening 11am ’til 11.15pm to serve as many of your lovely Mum’s as possible. And what Beckworth mum wouldn’t want to spend her special day with us at her favourite kebab shop, Knossos Kebabs? For one day only we’re offering large donna kebabs for £12.99 each (whilst stocks last) and we’ve laid on a star of radio, church and TV, an entertainment man that every lovely mama will love. Yes, we’ve booked local Sir Cliff Richard tribute act Richard Cliff to sing along to a CD of his hero’s hits through lunch and again at dinner time. We’ve only got 6 proper seats and 2 deckchairs in our kebab shop so most people will have to stand, but maybe you come early and not stay long. It’s a day out Mothers won’t want to miss, so bring all your mother’s and Grandmother to see Khristos. Or borrow one if yours is dead or in hospital. See you Sunday.
Khristos Knossos. Knossos Kebabs
Hellody Hoo, your favourite health guru Marion here. Great news for all you fatties out there, because of the success a couple of years back of my Weight Whistling classes, I’m running evening classes once again. The lapse of my restraint order means that Beckworth residents once again benefit from me bringing the ancient Korean act of Weight Whistling to the UK. You too could possibly lose 10 stone in a few weeks? Yes, it’s probably achievable due to the unique way that weight whistling works! So why not come along and try it (if you can get out of the house without needing a crane or having walls removed… Classes will be most Monday nights in the scout hut at 8 but only genuine, determined tubsters need apply. So how does it work I hear you ask? Well it’s actually a closely guarded secret, but put lets say it’s a sweaty workout without music. The participants whistle communist tunes whilst they exercise. You may have read in my twitter posts that I trained under the great teacher Gin Bin Bawl, a mauve belt in Weight Whistling, who until his mysterious death a few years ago was the dietician and keep fit instructor of choice for the glorious leader Kim Jon-un and his very closest mates. I’ve got all the certificates to prove I know what i’m doing, now all I need is another group of big boned oldies to practice on. So get your lard a**es down to the scout hut next Monday night and let’s shed those unsightly pounds. Ta ta, Marion
PS It’s just £43.25 a class
Happy (Belated) New Year to all my Beckworth residents (but not the beggars outside Sainsco who keep hassling me for change). I am hoping this fine message finds you well rested and overjoyed to be back at work. I myself have been away for a five week fact-finding jaunt to the far east (I was inspired to go by my political rival Sadiq Khan). I humbly apologise for missing Beckworth’s New Years eve but of course due to council funding cuts there was no official celebration this year (fireworks are very expensive), so I only really missed holding sparklers outside in the rain saying “happy new year” to complete strangers. I myself saw the new year in sipping cocktails with the high and mighty of Pakistan who I’m hoping will invest in our humble town… The things I do for you! But perhaps next year, if funding permits such extravagance, we can restart the traditional death by burning of Old Man Beckworth (to say goodbye to the old year) and the “birthing” of Baby Beckworth to welcome in the new year. So may I take this opportunity to wish us all a prosperous 2018. Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. Mayor
Good morning fellow Beckworthers and a belated happy Christmas. I had thought the Mayor would have posted a blog from his “fact-finding council paid” holiday in the Bahamas, but it appears to have slipped his mind so you have me instead… So please let me wish you a belated Happy Christmas and I wanted to apologise for the last minute cancellation of this years traditional Boxing Day Swimming Race. Recent rupturing of local sewers have left the River Winnet unsafe for humans and so a swim in the currents wasn’t advisable. Race organiser (and MP) Hilary Benn says she hopes to reschedule the race for sometime in early 2018. Yours, Mrs Anne Chovey DFC, deputy Mayoress
Just a quick to reminder that tickets are still available for tonight’s New Years’ Eve Hootananny bash. Unfortunately Jesus’s favourite God-bothering folk trio The Faith Tones won’t now be performing due to one of the members being banged up at her Majesty’s pleasure (again)… As a last minute replacement Essex’s latest Status Quo tribute act Quatus Sto have stepped up, so be sure to wear denim tonight and be prepared to rock out, or whatever you do at a Quo concert… Doors open at 6.30, and tickets cost £95.49 which includes a “finger” buffet of Christmas leftovers. So join us to see the new year in, let’s hope it’s better than 2017 (which shouldn’t be too hard!). Tonight’s featured ale is The President’s Syrup and we’ve a got a few used Christmas cracker hats to hand out to the first ten punters dressed in “full Quo attire” through the door. So see you later. Cindy Carmarthen, Bar Manager, The Blind Badger Pub & Venue
Freezing news just in… Fans of dogging and public nudity started congregating and fornicating from late last night at the ancient Hammerite standing stones to celebrate today being the shortest day ever in the UK’s history (it’s only seven hours long today instead of the usual 24). I’m told that crowds of lusting onlookers have arrived this afternoon, some with torches for later, to see the sun set over the stones and then as it gets dark catch glimpses of bearded old men and women getting up to mischief behind the stones whilst others dance, sing and rub their nakedness up against the rough stones. Seems a funny way to celebrate the winter solstace but it makes for a newsworthy story. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Pagan Worship Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette
Good evening Beckworth and happy Winter Solstice. Just a reminder that this coming Saturday Beckworth will be hosting the annual Christmas Smokers Fair in the Market Square with the a traditional Germanic ”Weihnachten” Christmas Fair lining the high street. It’s sure to be a wonderful day for smokers and smelly sausage lovers of all ages so get your towels onto the supplied sun-loungers very early.
All the events will be held outdoors, with the exception of the marijuana smokers pottery classes, pipe-rack engineering and sauerkraut construction drop-in sessions which will be held discretely in a porta-cabin in the school playground.
The fairs are your once in a year opportunity to buy flavoured tabacco, nicotene patches, lighters and those poncey electric fags alongside seasonal Christmas decorations made from fragments of the Berlin Wall, Angela Merkel fairies to top your tree, Volkswagen car parts, used lederhosen and whatever else it is our German friends sell at Christmas.
Great news for all the family; the pubs will be open from 8am Saturday and stay open until 11.30 that night to cater for the expected influx of heavy drinking teutonic smokers.
See you there, thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. Mayor