Breaking Wimbledon new just in (In truth I knew last week but I’m only just reporting it)…. Local boy made good (and Wimbledon’s oldest competitor) Lionel Corky” Deptford will be playing “mixed” doubles with Andy Murray’s second cousin Sandy later today, or tomorrow if they can’t get a court to play on… It will hopefully be shown live on BBC2 or on something called red button (which I think is another word for the internet). 95 year old “Corky”, a wildcard choice to play the Grand Slam, was sadly knocked out in the first-round singles matches last week, by his own Great-Grandson, 15 year old Louis “Cocky” Lewisham. I didn’t see the match myself as it clashed with Nedal (I think), or I may have been out shopping. I’m told it was a thrilling match with Corky and his opponent Cocky having the quickest match in Wimbledon history. The completely blind Mr Deptford told me over the phone that “the little b*****d didn’t let up or give me a chance” and that his gout had been playing up… After a coughing fit he went onto add that he’d desperately needed the loo so was glad when the grudge match was over… Lionel is still almost the World’s oldest ranked tennis player though his ranking has slipped to 16,174th place, in age he is second only to Ms Toyota Corolla of Japan (105 years young and currently ranked 56th), who sadly couldn’t get a flight to compete at Wimbledon. Mr Deptford went onto say his new gender-fluid doubles partner Sandy is so much better than last years (Wayne Federer, Roger’s Dad) and he hoped they’d make it to the finals. Fingers crossed. Christine Batley. Chief Ball Sports Reporter. Beckworth Guardian
Hello all, it’s your genius Prof Brian Cox here. The line above asks “Is Today Jesus’s Birthday?” I get that out of the way straight away as I can answer it very quickly, whilst I comb my beautiful hair, and the answer is… No, of course its not! His birthday is at Easter, so you’ve missed it. To discover the reason our American friends celebrate 4th July we have to go back about 500 years in history to the Middle Ages (sometimes known as the Dark Ages as it was before Edison had invented light bulbs… or lighthouses). In those days terrible Tory landowners had inflicted heavy taxes on the poor here in England, so many poor folk emigrated as stowaways to the USA (that’s poor as in they had no money… not they were unlucky). Many of the very first US settlers were originally from Beckworth, such as Donald Trump‘s turnip picking ancestors Vince and Mary Trump. In fact “fact fans” the name Trump is in fact Turnip wrongly spelt when they landed in America! Anyway I digress… like many of their fellow Beckworth stowaways they settled within spitting distance of New York‘s famous Statue Of Liberty and named their new village New Beckworth, with whom we were once twinned until we fell out with them last year. Anyway, July 4th was chosen as a day to celebrate arriving in the USA as it was almost exactly half way through the year and the day when the first pub opened in New Beckworth. So that’s the answer, and remember who told you first… I’ve got to rush off now, I’m having a cream tea and drinks with my most special new friends HRH Princess Meghan and Prince Harry pals, and don’t want to be late…. See you soon, and keep the faith. Ta ta, Prof Brian Cox.
Hello Beckworth, or should that be “Howdy Partners”, I hope this message finds you well. I thought it best that I reminded you that this coming weekend we will be celebrating today’s US independence day. Thanks to sponsorship by Dunkin Donuts and The Trump Fellowship Of High-Earners we will be hosting a parade, followed by a rodeo on the Sainsco car park. We are expecting many visiting rodeoers and marching bands from the USA so please expect delays if you’re hoping to do your shopping on Saturday (and use buses as all parking in the town will be suspended). The parade will start at the library (at 11am) and is due to be opened and then led by President Trump’s very distant cousin Reg Trump, ex-local window cleaner and best friend of the betting office. Reg, if he’s sober, will try to lead our very own Beckworth cheerleading troupe and the scouts brass band through the packed streets of the town…
See you Saturday, Thanking you most warmly.
Aashif Ackworth. Mayor. Beckworth Town Council
Bums and boobs on show news just in… Fans of sexual-deviancy and shedding their cheap clothes have once again bought shame to Beckworth… These idle soap-dodgers started congregating and fornicating from the wee small hours at the ancient Hammerite standing stones, claiming to be celebrating the summer solstice (I’m surprised they even knew what that meant… it actually means today is longest day ever in the town’s history). I’m told the scum were joined by crowds of doggers and photographers, some with torches, to see the sun rise and intercourse break out amongst bearded old men and women up against the rough stones. Personally I think it should be banned, or they do it in the privacy of their own homes. Or sheds. I will celebrate the solstace in a more civilised manner with a few bottles of wine, 20 Marlboro Lights and a copy of Hello magazine. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Pagan Worship Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette
Hello all, Brian here, I actually answered this in full 6 or 7 years ago on this very website… So apologies if I ask you to a search for it whist I use my immense knowledge of the universe to make more television programmes whilst showing off my beautiful hair and getting more female fans…
Suffice to say that the universe is in perfect balance, so for every shortest day there must be a longest day… usually about 6 months apart due to the cycle of the sun. Or the moon. The longest day is most memorable in the UK because here it means almost 24 hours of sunshine in one day… unless its raining or is cloudy. Which means a lot of people will today go to the beach to get a tan or to ancient stone circles to dance naked.
Anyway, that’s me done, so if you don’t mind I’m going to get on my unicycle to a posh restaurant to have a “£5 eat as much as you can” lunch with my old school chums Will and Kirtsy Young to reminisce about teachers we fancied (and who of course fancied me) and blowing up the science lab. Thanks, Prof Brian Cox.
Exclusive breaking political new Prime Minister news just in…Beckworths’ local MP Stephen Tooting-Broadway MP has just this minute (well yesterday actually but I didn’t see his fax until just now) found out that he was voted off in the first round of the conservative leadership elections… Sadly shining-light of the Tory party Mr Tooting-Broadway only got one vote (MPs could bizarely only vote for themselves once), he says he will now throw his weight behind best school friend Boris Johnson. Good luck to Mr Johnson, he’s the only one who can us out of Europe with a really good deal…. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Not The Next PM Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette
Exclusive political new Prime Minister news just in…Beckworths’ local MP Stephen Tooting-Broadway MP has just this minute told me via fax that he is standing in the conservative leadership elections… He says he is standing against his best friend Boris Johnson to raise his own profile and also increase his chances of getting into the new cabinet (he’d like to be Home Secretary). Good luck to back-bencher Mr Tooting-Broadway, we need someone like him who will sort out Brexit and get the empire back for England. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief PM Election Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette
Hi, I just wanted to let you know that in a survey of the UK’s best seaside towns announced today Beckworth has come 143rd!!! Not at all bad as we’re over 30 miles from the sea and the only way to the ocean (since the buses stopped running) is to walk, cycle or drive … Well done us! Thanks Natalie Clifton. Tourist Information
Morning, your best local chip shop, Chip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah, are today celebrating the most exciting day of the year (it’s National Fishy Chip Day) by giving away a free plastic knife or wooden fork with every purchase over £20 (whilst stocks last)… Hurry, there’s bound to be a stampede and you don’t wanna miss out getting your gobs round a mouth-watering fish supper tonight! Lance & Brenda Colville, Chip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah Chip Shop Lance & Brenda Colville
Hello Beckworth, I hope this message finds you well, and you enjoyed today’s 22 hour D-Day re-enactment… I caught the last quarter hour and have to say the scouts, cubs and guides that I saw did their leader Lord Geldof proud, they were amazing playing the allied “goodies,” running up a replica beach created on the sports field (thanks to trendy local builder, Kevin McCloud, for lending us a ton of sand and gravel). I’m told the Beckworth Re-Enactors who turned up were very realistic playing the “baddies,” the Germans, but I didn’t see any my self as I think they’d gone home. If anyone has photos or videos please share them as I would quite like to see what I missed. Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. Mayor. Beckworth Town Council