Remembrance Sunday Service & Parade Online Today

Hello my flock. Just to remind you that, due to lockdown, today’s Remembrance Day Parade and Service will all be taking place online, via something i’m still getting to grips with called Zoom, not this website.

There is no limit on the amount of people who can “attend” the service, so why not tell your friends? If my internet works ok the service will starts at 2pm today with the immortal words “Dear God can you hear me? Is my video switched on?” The service will be followed at 3.15 by a “procession” (consisting of the regional head of scouting Sir Bob-bob-bob-dib-dib-dib Geldof poignantly marching alone) from the church to lay a wreath of poppies at the War Memorial. You can follow all the action via your computer as it is to be filmed via the Verger’s phone live from a safe distance. 

Please join us for both the service and procession this afternoon. May your God be with you, Cyril Knutsford. The “Virtual” Vicar. Beckworth St Faiths


(Above) Sir Bob-bob-bob-dib-dib-dib Geldof photographed from a safe distance

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Sneaky Joe Wins U.S. Election (Alegedly)

Breaking US Presidential Election News Just In…  My editor has just told me that we (may) have to accept that Peaky Joe Biden will be the next US President and pretend we’ve supported him all along. It looks as if the Democrats have “won” enough votes to break into the Whitehouse next year. Personally I say don’t crack open the champagne just yet as the “real” winner Donald Trump may come up from behind and take his rightful place when all the lawsuits come to fruition. Watch this space, things may get a bit bumpy for a while! I’ll keep you posted with any news or dirt on Biden. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Political Theft Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

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We’re Giving Weedy Joe A Break…

Breaking US Presidential Election News Just In…  My editor has explained to me in no uncertain terms that we should show impartiality during the US election and try to say something positive about Great Grandpa Walton, I mean Biden. I’ve never seen him so rattled since Blair got into power. Anyway, saying something constructive about the old communist relic is really in case he does steal the election from the best US President ever, Donald Trump and wants to advertise in the paper… I’ve racked my brains about what to write about Old Man Biden that is neither derogatory or untrue, its been very hard but i’ve settled on he has a neat grey haircut, which suits an ancient Democrat. Job done. Now lets get back to preying that President Trump stays in the Whitehouse making America great again. I’ll keep you posted with any news or gossip but don’t expect any more Biden compliments! Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Political Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

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Forget, Forget, It’s The Fifth Of November

Hello my dear townsfolk. It’s your lockdown leader here with news about tonights bonfire celebrations… As you know lockdown and budget cuts mean that this year’s bonfire celebrations won’t be happening tonight. Sadly, not even online. We had hoped to create an amazing virtual event, with a video of a bonfire, an animated guy, and the local Peppa Pig tribute band playing songs online for you all to dance to sing and dance along to. We also hoped to have onscreen fireworks. But sadly as we don’t currently have an IT department we had to give up… For now. We do hope to have a bonfire celebration of sorts in the New Year once we’ve seen off Covid and can mix together without fear of death. So that’s something to look forward to. I have been told that Prof Brian Cox may tell the story of the gunpowder plot via zoom, but that’s not been confirmed as we can’t afford to pay him. Have a safe Bonfire night. Yours Aashif Ackworth. Mayo

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President Trump Is Just “Biden” His Time

Breaking US Presidential Election News Just In… This election is proving to be nail-biting stuff (unfortunate as the nail has shut for lockdown!). A friend of a friend of a friend who allegedly knows someone in President Trump’s marvellous campaign team has just told me via zoom that he believes Mr Trump will romp home to win a second term when all the (legal) non-postal votes are counted. He said Donald is currently letting Grumpy Joe Biden believe he ‘s going to win, and then in a twist worthy of a Hollywood blockbuster (or a chapter in President Trump’s future best selling autobiography) he will sweep in and save America from the disaster the Democrats would be. I do hope he’s right. The world needs four more years of Donald’s straight talking and anti-foreigner rhetoric if we’re to survive Covid and the coming recession. If Sleepy Joe did become President by fraudulent means a silver lining would be that the ensuing court battles would probably kill off the senile old duffer. I’ll keep you posted with any news or gossip. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Political Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

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Shops, Restaurants & Pubs Stay Open Late Before Another Pointless Lockdown Bites

Hello all. I’m pleased to announce that many local shops, restaurants, cafes and pubs will be staying open late tonight so you can buy Christmas presents early, eat and make merry before the draconian second lockdown comes into effect. Its important we all support our local businesses and if possible bulk buy. I myself will be getting my hair done, buying a lot of new shoes and then grabbing an Indian on my way to the Blind Badger… Happy shopping, eating & drinking, stay safe. Yours sincerely, Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce

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Whatever The Outcome, Trump Will Be The Real Winner

Breaking US Presidential Election Thoughts Just In… This election may currently be anyones to win, though my money is still on the charismatic Donald winning a second (and third?) term, but one thing is becoming clear. Whatever the outcome of this (potentially) fraudulent election President Trump will be remembered for his statesmanship in office and world changing policies the positive ripples we are all benefitting from. This election highlights his true light as a modest humble man who’s selflessness has been a beacon of hope whilst we battle the Chinese pandemic. I’ll keep you posted with any election news or gossip, and lets pray Sneezy Joe fails in his attempt to steal the presidency. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Political Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

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US Elections… Our American Cousins Hold The Planet’s Future In Their Hands

Breaking US Presidential Election News Just In… Well not exactly news, more me wanting to send my prayers to our dear American friends. We know you’ll do the right thing and re-elect President Trump, he will save the planet unlike Weepy Joe and the democrats (or demoprats as I call them) who will destroy us all and let the superpowers like the Russians, North Koreans and Chinese take over the globe (Don’t get me started on germ warfare, but think where we are currently. I blame Obama and Blair). Sorry rant over… I’ll keep you posted with any news, tittle-tattle or gossip. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Political Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

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Displeasure Playlist, Two For The Price Of One

Hello, I hope you’re all staying safe and the clocks changing didn’t confound you (as it did us you) and you managed some sort of Halloween celebration. We’re playing catch up so here are two playlists. A big thanks to those who listened to this weekend’s online radio show, on, and below is this week’s playlist.

The show is on twice weekly, 7pm Fridays (GMT) and 10am Saturdays (GMT) and you can also listen to the shows anytime at your leisure on just search for Inmate B42359. Please don’t forget to send my cellmate Len music related queries for his Listerpedia slot and we’d love to hear about your recent musical finds…
so please email us at

Last week we played….

01 Berlin - A Certain Ratio

02 Steal Me Easy - Denise Johnson

03 Sign O’ The Times - Prince

04 Right Place, Wrong Time - Dr. John

05 Pipeline - The Chantays

06 Spirals - Django Django

07 Time It’s Time - Talk Talk

08 Seconds - Grant Lee Buffalo

09 5 Minutes - The Stranglers

10 24 Hours - Joy Division

11 She Sells Sanctuary - The Cult

12 Making Time - The Creation

13 Times Up - Buzzcocks

14 (We’re Gonna) Rock Around The Clock - Bill Haley & His Comets


And this weekend just gone we aired…

01 Pretty Vacant - Sex Pistols

02 Turn It Around - Hollie Cook

03 Vapour - Mildlife

04 Look At Me Now (Acoustic) - Emily King

05 Streets of Your Town - The Go-Betweens

06 Find The River - R.E.M.

07 ewlectronic - Tom Ashlee

08 The Wizard - Black Sabbath

09 Season Of The Witch - Donovan

10 Burn The Witch - Radiohead

11 Monster Mash - Bobby Pickett & Crypt-Kickers

13 Werewolves of London - Warren Zevon

14 Wishing Well - Green Gartside

15 Don’t Fear The Reape - Blue Oyster Cult

Record Player Coloured Vinyl V2

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