Hello my flock. Just to remind you that, due to unforeseen circumstances, tonight’s Midnight Mass will be starting at the slightly earlier time of 4.15pm instead of 11.30pm. I’m sure you will understand that visiting sick parishioners should take precedence over late night services… but I’m glad to say I’m not visiting any today! Instead I’ll be attending the Bishops “Tarts and Vicars” party, which i’m very excited about as he’s promising a feeding of the five-thousand style buffet food and gallons of the blood of Christ he’s hoarded all year. And he’s hired a mobile disco. During todays’ festive service Church warden Noddy Holder will be leading his “Slade Singers” in the usual carols and Cliff Richard numbers, plus we’re hoping you will all bring festive fare to the church, (i.e. food, drink and lots of presents), which we will distribute to the local homeless. Or keep. Have a wonderful Christmas and look forward to seeing you all this afternoon (Don’t be late as I’ll have to finish at 5.30 prompt so I have time to get into my party costume, I’m going as a jam tart).
Seasons tidings, Rev C Knutsford
Fantastic news for those of you already planning for Autumn, unemployed taxidermist and amateur wax “sculptor” Neville Preston-Tussaud is planning to extend Beckworth’s most exciting indoor tourist attraction by October. Inspired by his (probable) Great Great Great Grandma, Mrs Madam Tussaud, Neville is to extend his waxworks museum beyond the garage next to his house and garden shed. He has put in a planning application to erect a permanent gazebo in his front garden to show at least another 5 paper-mache celebrity effigies, he’s hoping to have Prince Harry and Mrs Markel finished in time, and has a Donald Trump ready for painting by his 4 year old daughter. As soon as I know more about the museum expansion I will of course let you know. Thanks Natalie Clifton. Tourist Information.
Hello. Just to remind all you readers that on Saturday we’ll be celebrating the summer solstice (today’s a work day hence doing it on the weekend)…
Howdy hi and pleased to meet you. I’m Albert Leamington III, and I run the hugely successful Beckworth Hall Spa. As I am a generous man, and in recognition of The Royal Wedding, of Texas’s finest daughter Meghan to your Prince Harry, Beckworth’s number one spa is offering a huge 10% off sauna sessions tomorrow between 11am and 2pm. We will have a large screen showing the wedding so you can be pampered whilst you watch. Come early as places in the small sauna are very limited. Albert
Hey you lucky people, tomorrow is not one but two matches going on, so we have much to be celebrate… and what more British way to be celebrate a wedding and a football match than with a traditional kebab. So your favourite kebab house we will be opening 9am ’til 12.15pm to serve as many of your lovely wedding and football fans as possible. And so you can keep in touch with Mrs Markle and Prince Harold we will have the radio on throughout the wedding and then switch channels to hear the football cup… For one day only we’re offering large “Fit For A King’s Brother” donna kebabs for £13.99 each (whilst stocks last) and we’ve laid on a DJ for the evening. Yes, my nephew MC Knossos will be playing tapes he has recorded off the radio of all the latest pop hits. We’ve only got 6 proper seats and 2 deckchairs in our kebab shop so most people visiting will have to stand, but maybe you queue overnight so you there when we open. It’s a day out you peoples won’t want to miss, so bring all your families and friends to see Khristos. See you at 9 in the morning sharpish.
Khristos Knossos. Knossos Kebabs
Just a quick to reminder that tickets are still available for Saturday’s most-of-the-day and evening Royal Wedding bash. We’re opening at 11 – 11 to celebrate the wedding of Prince William and Meghan Markle and will be showing TV coverage of the happy event on a laptop placed on the bar. We are also hoping to show (if the WiFi doesn’t play up) the FA Cup on a tablet that can passed around the pub… We’ll be letting kids play unsupervised in the garden and car park, and there’s likely to be an ice cream van parked across the road, so parents can get completely leathered whilst singing joyous songs and shouting at the screen. Entry to the pub on Saturday will be by pre-purchased tickets only and a finger buffet including pork scratchings and peanuts will be included in the price. In the evening miming sensation (and Meghan Markle tribute act) Meghan Sparkle will be performing songs from her favourite West End musicals whilst stood next to a life-size cardboard effigy of Princess Markles’s husband to be… Tickets cost £213.45 (children £100), so join us to see the future King & Queen getting hitched whilst the footies on. Featured ale is Prince Charles’s Organic Wallop and we’ve a got a few prizes to hand out to the first ten punters dressed as Royalty through the door. So see you on Saturday. Cindy Carmarthen, Bar Manager, The Blind Badger Pub & Venue
Breaking Royal Wedding news just in… This morning rumours have been circulating that Meghan Markle’s (alleged) half brother, Mark “Marky Mark” Markle will give her away this Saturday. It has been widely reported that Ms Markle’s Dad Nigel, a TV cameraman who’s worked on Casualty and Last Of The Summer Wine, will not now be attending his daughter’s wedding due to him posing for compromising photos. Marky Mark’s mum, Margy Markle, says he is awaiting for the call asking him to stand-in as father of the bride and she’s dug out his suit and lucky t-shirt (usually worn at Mark’s many court appearances) in readiness. Marky, Ms Markle’s until very recently unknown sibling, is a well known burglar and shop-lifter in Beckworth who is quoted as saying his alleged sister’s wedding is a turning point for him. Probably. I for one will be watching the wedding of the millennium to see if unemployed Marky Mark will be walking down the aisle with his probable sister on his arm… Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Celebrity Convict Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette
Breaking celebrity Royal Wedding news just in… It has come to our attention, in a exclusive, that a Buckingham Palace account has just tweeted about Meghan Markle’s (probable) half brother, Mark “Marky Mark” Markle. It is believed that Ms Markle’s, until recently unknown sibling, has been advised by Lord Prince Charle’s aids to stay away from the future King’s ginger son and his wedding next week. Light-fingered Marky Mark is of course a well known felon in Beckworth and is currently restricted to where he can travel due to an asbo for burgling the butchers. Twice. But that apparently hasn’t stopped Mr Markle, 52 and of no fixed address, ringing up Prince Harry almost daily to give wedding advice and offers to arrange the stag do… Mark has also been seen in Beckworth High Street drunkenly telling all that he’ll not only be attending the wedding of his (likely) half-sister but also doing a reading during the televised service. I for one will be glued to my tablet next Saturday to watch the wedding of the century and do hope unemployed Marky Mark will be there, as he’s the only person from Beckworth we know who is (probably) invited to the bash… Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Celebrity Convict Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette