Dear Beckworth. As promised many years ago I am keeping my husband Noel Edmund’s billions of fans up to date with whereabouts of our youngest son Neil, the World famous ice skating champion and mime artist. You may remember our favourite son left Beckworth almost exactly five years and unfortunately a short time into his round the world skating and mime trip was arrested and imprisoned in Italy for allegedly roller-blading nude outside the Vatican… He luckily escaped prison by disguising himself as a takeaway-pizza box and thanks to a very friendly oil tanker hitched a ride to Brazil… He hadn’t been in Rio long when he was imprisoned again, this time on fabricated charges of imitating in the street, naked apart from a crown of thorns, the famous statue Christ The Redeemer… Thankfully after serving almost 3 years in a maximum security prison Neil has been placed on probation and is planning to stow-away to the USA, where he will no doubt be welcomed and given shelter by his Dad’s legions of American fans. Sir Donald Trump is a fan of Noels House Party so perhaps Neil will end up working at the White House? I’ll keep you posted on Neils’s ongoing adventure, hopefully at last starting the US leg of his global quest to bring ice skating and mime to the World’s rich and famous. And you can show you care by sponsoring Neil via his dad’s Deal Or No deal website or by giving us large amounts of cash in person (no coins please). Many thanks (Mrs) Nell Edmunds
Hello to Beckworth residents and to the many millions of my husband Noel’s dedicated fans. I wanted to keep you updated with the whereabouts of our youngest son Neil, the World famous ice skating champion and mime artist, last seen serving six years hard-labour in an Italian jail. Well, I’m pleased to announce that he escaped prison and today our dear boy arrived safely in Brazil. Handsome Neil hitched a six-month lift from Italy to Rio on a leaky oil tanker and practiced skating almost daily on the rusty deck. You may remember he left Beckworth a couple of years ago on his solo around the World quest and after a few hiccups is now at the 2016 Olympics. He sadly isn’t competing due to alleged irregularities, which we blame on his Russian trainer, but will be watching many events including his favourite event. The diving. You can sponsor Edmunds Jnr on his around the world trip via his dad (Noel Edmunds)’s Deal Or No deal website, and believe me he needs all the money he can get. Bribed prison guards, Olympic tickets and five-star hotels don’t come cheap, even when you’re the son of the World’s greatest TV game-show host. Many thanks (Mrs) Nell Edmunds
(Above) A artist’s impression of an oil tanker ideal for Neil Edmunds to skate on
Hello all. Don’t forget that tomorrow, Sunday, the annual french Le Marche De Fromage Et Onion (Cheese And Onion Market) will be in town. It’s your once in a year opportunity to buy expensive french cheeses, breads, veg and onions directly from people who smell of garlic, swear profusely, eat amphibian’s legs for breakfast and are drunk and befuddled by mid-morning.
Once again wine won’t be offered after the many drunken altercations in recent years. Nor will we tolerate urinating in the street, not even down opened-manhole covers.
Due to a recent run of bad luck (incarceration, illness, strikes, deaths etc) the famous Emmental Fromagiers (“Cheese Soldiers”) will not, as is tradition, be parading and declaring the market open. Instead local girl Julie Walters will parade along with some girl guides and do the honours at 10am.
Weather permitting there will be events all day for the whole family, including morris dancing by The Beckworth Bothamers, donkey rides, a coconut shy, a daredevil kite display by local celebrity Noel Edmunds and of course in the afternoon the crowning of Beckworth’s Miss Garlic 2016.
Not to be missed this year the Beckworth & Crewbury Historical Re-enactors will be staging a recreation of the making of the Bayeux Tapestry. Using donated fuzzy felt.
(Above) The famous battle-hardened French cheese soldiers who sadly will be absent from this year’s market
Hello all. Just a reminder that this coming Saturday and Sunday Beckworth will be hosting the annual Christmas Smokers Fair in the Market Square with the added lure this year of a traditional Germanic ”Weihnachten” Christmas Fair lining the high street. It’s sure to be a wonderful weekend for smokers and sausage lovers of all ages so get your towels onto the supplied sun-loungers very early.
All the events will be held outdoors, with the exception of the marijuana smokers pottery classes, pipe-rack engineering and sauerkraut construction drop-in sessions which will be held discretely in a porta-cabin in the school playground.
The fairs are your once in a year opportunity to buy flavoured tabacco, nicotene patches, lighters and those poncey electric fags alongside seasonal Christmas decorations made from fragments of the Berlin Wall, Angela Merkel fairies to top your tree, Volkswagen car parts, used lederhosen and whatever else it is our German friends sell at Christmas.
Great news for all the family; the pubs will be open from 8am Saturday and stay open until 11.30 on Sunday night to cater for the expected influx of heavy drinking teutonic smokers.
Event’s during daylight hours include St Nick’s PC Grotto, (a smoking non-gender defined German speaking Santa will take presents from children to redistribute to the poor and needy of Frankfurt, or sell on the ferry back to Europe). There’s a smokers trivia pub quiz in the pub car park from 7pm, tug o’war, Puffin’ Willy’s Steam Fair, and a brand-new “Northern European smoke-themed” kite display by local celebrity Noel Edmunds. After dark things will get very festive with a mimed concert by Stereokicks on Saturday night and late on Sunday evening the duel crowning of Beckworth’s Smoker Of The Year 2014 and Beckworth’s German Of The Year 2014.
Given the failure in previous years to beat the world record for the most snuff-sniffers in one field we will instead aim to beat the record for the most Berliners in a stationary car (the current record is five which may prove hard to top).
Due to health and safety laws we are not allowed a lit bonfire during the fair but will have a large TV screen set up in the window of the undertakers showing a DVD of The Wickerman. For the public’s safety smoking and Bavarian bear-baiting will only be permitted in the designated areas furnished with ashtrays, spittoons and posters of England’s 1966 World Cup winning football team.
For the youngsters Flintlock Farm’s Mobile Petting Zoo will be setting up in a corner of the sports field and promise to show off some animals native to Deutschland (I’d guess that will include snakes, giraffes and tigers). The icing on the Christmas cake will be our very own Beckworth & Crewbury Historical Re-enactors in the scout hut re-playing the 1914 Christmas Truce Football Match (as seen on TV), complete with trenches, goals and a barbed-wire strewn muddy pitch.
So see you all this weekend, Mayor Gary Grimsby
Hello all. Just a reminder that Beckworth’s bonfire celebrations will be happening on Saturday 8th not tomorrow night. Attractions will include an unlit bonfire (due to health and safety concerns), a candle-lit choir, vegetarian hot-dog stand and an effigy of Guy Fawkes lovingly made from bottle tops by the local branch of Alcoholics Anonymous. At 6.45 there will be a talk on the history of fireworks and stuff by Brian Cox (weather permitting) and for the under-5s the Peppa Pig band will be hosting an open-air festival. The main event will of course be local celeb Nick Clegg setting off over a dozen large “pet friendly” silent fireworks (due to health and safety concerns raised by the RSPCA). Also, not to be missed at 7.30 the Beckworth & Crewbury Historical Re-enactors will be staging the gun powder plot again this year (complete with horses, false-beards and real gun powder) in the scout hut, hopefully without the fire damage incurred last year. So see you there! G. Grimsby. Mayor
Dear Beckworth and hello to the many millions of my husband Noel’s fans. As promised I want to keep you up to date with whereabouts of our youngest son Neil, the World famous ice skating champion and mime artist. He left Beckworth a few weeks ago on his solo around the World quest and after a few mishaps, including time in the cells for jaywalking (actually jay skating) has arrived in Liege, Belgium. He told me in an emotional text message last night that he had just performed in the towns’ famed Ice Skating & Mime Festival and come 27th in the speed skating, so well done to Neil. You can sponsor him on his 3 year around the world trip via his dad’s Deal Or No deal website or by giving us loose change in person. Many thanks (Mrs) Nell Edmunds
(Above) Neil Edmunds takes a tumble during his routine last night
Hi, sorry for the very late notice but just to let you know that tonight’s alternative closing ceremony for the Commonwealth Games on Beckworth’s sports field has been cancelled. The local branch of UKIP, who tried to organise the event, have apologised and put the blame squarely at Noel Edmunds’ door. He’s refused to perform a stunt kite display to round off the games, but in his defence a fuming Mr Edmunds says this is just because he, and the other performers, still haven’t been paid for the opening ceremony. And like most of us he says he’d like to watch the real Glasgow closing ceremony on TV, whilst sharing a bottle of wine with his close friend Mr Blobby. Thanks Natalie Clifton. Tourist Information.
(Above) Mr Blobby fishing in his friend Noel Edmunds’ pond earlier today
Hi, I just wanted to remind you all that tonight Beckworth will host it’s own alternative opening ceremony for the Commonwealth Games on the sports field from 8pm with refreshments on sale in the scout hut. A spokesman for the local branch of UKIP, who organised the event as a demonstration against the Scottish Referendum, was quoted as saying “we just wanted to have our voice heard and point out how immigration has distorted the UK” before adding “And we can’t be arsed going all the way to Scotland to see our English boys and girls parading around with flags.” He went on to say “It’s worth having an English opening ceremony, as our team is bound to thrash all the foreigners at sport and swimming and stuff. Therefore we’re putting on an evening of only English entertainment.” I am reliably informed that this will include Noel Edmunds’ stunt kite display, music from Uncle Len & Aunt Nancy Wheely and conclude with the famed Beckworth Unicycle Formation Dance Team (featuring UKIP’s very own Nigel Farage) dancing to some Now That’s What I Call English Music CDs. It’s a free event so see you there. Thanks Natalie Clifton. Tourist Information.
(Above) Nigel Farage unicycling to the opening ceremony rehearsal earlier today
Dear Beckworth. As promised I am keeping the many millions of my husband Noel’s fans up to date with whereabouts of our youngest son Neil, the World famous ice skating champion and mime artist. He left Beckworth last week (i forget which day) and was accompanied to the south coast by his brother Nial and sister Bury-Saint. Unfortunately due to rain storms blunting his skates Neil arrived at the Channel Ferry Port in Dover too late and missed the ferry to France. But as luck would have it a ferry was going to Holland, or Belgium (i’m not sure which) and he is now on that instead. So by tomorrow morning our intrepid son will be on the European leg of his around the World ice skating and mime quest. You can sponsor Neil via his dad’s Deal Or No deal website or by giving us cash in person. Many thanks (Mrs) Nell Edmunds
(Above) The Calais ferry leaves Dover without skater Neil Edmunds onboard earlier today
Dear Beckworth and the many millions of my husband Noel’s fans who will be reading this. This morning was a bittersweet day for the Edmunds clan as we waved goodbye to our youngest son Neil, the World famous ice skating champion and mime artist. We waved him off first thing this morning on the first leg of his circumnavigation of the globe on ice skates (following the route taken by the intrepid father and daughter team Torvill and Dean in the 1980s). To make the trip even more media savvy Neil has also taken a vow of dumbness and will only converse with foreign people and reporters he meets on route through the medium of mime. His brother Nial and sister Bury-Saint will accompany Neil to the Channel Ferry, which is comforting, but beyond that he will be totally on his own (His father Noel having so far failed to get Channel 4 to make a documentary of the expedition and follow Neil with a camera crew). On a brighter note, through sponsorship our son hopes to raise money for the Beckworth Ice Rink whilst raising awareness of mime, and not talking in general. You can sponsor Neil via his dad’s Deal Or No deal website or by giving us cash in person. Neil hopes to raise at least £5000 whilst on his epic 3 year journey which should be enough for the Rink to buy some new lockers and hand-dryers in the loos. I hope to keep everyone up to date on this epic adventure as Neil promises to ring me most days if his mobile phone has enough credits. Many thanks (Mrs) Nell Edmunds
(Above) An emotional Noel Edmunds waves off his children earlier today