Breaking “celebs in lockdown” news just in… I’m so please to be announcing some happy news during these dismal pandemic times. It’s so tiresome reporting on people being ill or shops going out of business. Stop moaning! Anyway, back to the good news. This weekend just gone, a local celebrity (who wants to remain anonymous) was very resourceful and rented the (currently closed) Bamboo Caravan to host her own 30th birthday. The star invited at least 30 friends along and by all accounts it was the tonic all the celebs needed as they were growing tired of just tweeting fans. To be honest the whole town could hear the party as it was so loud, but when its famous people you don’t complain do you? Whilst clearing up the mess on Sunday morning restaurant manager Alan Ip told me he was grateful for the income and the guests were very drunk and didn’t break much. They needed a new toilet and kitchen anyway… After a little persuasion he told me who the celeb was, so I rang her immediately (I have many celebs on speed dial). She was very sweet, and has offered to pay her own small fine although no one official has asked her to (she’s so generous). She went on to say “It’s not every day you’re 30, and I thought we’ve found a cure for Covid so a party would be a great way to celebrate.” She went on to add “Anyway, It has been scientifically proven that celebs, like all rich people, are cleaner and healthier than the general public and can’t get Covid. So we’re safe to have parties, go out to dinner or fly around the World without the need to quarantine.” She’s so right. Mr Ip did tell me the Police were called by nosey jealous neighbours, but declined to close down the party or issue any fines as they were asked to stay and eat with the guests. Which they did. Well done to the boys (and girls) in blue. A police spokesperson declined to comment, but off the record did say the buffet was amazing, probably came from M&S, or Asda. Anyway, I applaud any rich people doing their bit to help local businesses such as the Bamboo Caravan through these difficult times. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Celebrity Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

Breaking US Presidential Election News Just In…  My editor has explained to me in no uncertain terms that we should show impartiality during the US election and try to say something positive about Great Grandpa Walton, I mean Biden. I’ve never seen him so rattled since Blair got into power. Anyway, saying something constructive about the old communist relic is really in case he does steal the election from the best US President ever, Donald Trump and wants to advertise in the paper… I’ve racked my brains about what to write about Old Man Biden that is neither derogatory or untrue, its been very hard but i’ve settled on he has a neat grey haircut, which suits an ancient Democrat. Job done. Now lets get back to preying that President Trump stays in the Whitehouse making America great again. I’ll keep you posted with any news or gossip but don’t expect any more Biden compliments! Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Political Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

Breaking US Presidential Election News Just In… This election is proving to be nail-biting stuff (unfortunate as the nail has shut for lockdown!). A friend of a friend of a friend who allegedly knows someone in President Trump’s marvellous campaign team has just told me via zoom that he believes Mr Trump will romp home to win a second term when all the (legal) non-postal votes are counted. He said Donald is currently letting Grumpy Joe Biden believe he ‘s going to win, and then in a twist worthy of a Hollywood blockbuster (or a chapter in President Trump’s future best selling autobiography) he will sweep in and save America from the disaster the Democrats would be. I do hope he’s right. The world needs four more years of Donald’s straight talking and anti-foreigner rhetoric if we’re to survive Covid and the coming recession. If Sleepy Joe did become President by fraudulent means a silver lining would be that the ensuing court battles would probably kill off the senile old duffer. I’ll keep you posted with any news or gossip. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Political Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

Breaking US Presidential Election Thoughts Just In… This election may currently be anyones to win, though my money is still on the charismatic Donald winning a second (and third?) term, but one thing is becoming clear. Whatever the outcome of this (potentially) fraudulent election President Trump will be remembered for his statesmanship in office and world changing policies the positive ripples we are all benefitting from. This election highlights his true light as a modest humble man who’s selflessness has been a beacon of hope whilst we battle the Chinese pandemic. I’ll keep you posted with any election news or gossip, and lets pray Sneezy Joe fails in his attempt to steal the presidency. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Political Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

Breaking US Presidential Election News Just In… Well not exactly news, more me wanting to send my prayers to our dear American friends. We know you’ll do the right thing and re-elect President Trump, he will save the planet unlike Weepy Joe and the democrats (or demoprats as I call them) who will destroy us all and let the superpowers like the Russians, North Koreans and Chinese take over the globe (Don’t get me started on germ warfare, but think where we are currently. I blame Obama and Blair). Sorry rant over… I’ll keep you posted with any news, tittle-tattle or gossip. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Political Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

Breaking sad loss news just in… It is with a sad heart that I must inform you that local comedy legend Bobby Ball has passed away in hospital due to Covid 19. Bobby was best know as the talented half of comedy duo Holland & Barrett who graced our TVs in the 1980s and toured the country in recent years. Bobby also played Lee Mack‘s dad in the TV hit sitcom “I’m Going Out”. His comedy partner Tommy said Bobby will be greatly missed by friends and family alike, but mostly by his tribute act Robby Hall, who is said to beside himself with grief (although he is still taking bookings)… Our thoughts go out to Bobby’s family, but thank God we’ve got such a caring, responsible Government in charge keeping the rest of us safe and Covid free. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief In Mourning Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

Breaking ex-pop star news just in… I’ve just come off an enlightening zoom call with my cousin’s good friend, and head of NHS Track & Trace Dido Harding. Dido was keen to speak despite being in the middle of singing lessons as she wanted to give her side of the story concerning track and trace failures since she took over control. Dido was famously a pop-singer before heading up the phone company Talk Talk and marrying into Tory “Royalty” She explained it’s very hard run track & trace when you’ve no idea what it is and you’re only doing it for the money whilst rehearsing for a world tour in support of a forthcoming album, her first in 17 years… Dido went onto say “Until I got the handsomely paid job I had no inkling of what the NHS was, i’ve always gone private.” and when offered the T&T job she told great friend and PM Boris Johnson that she had no time for it… But our great leader said she could probably just do it in her spare time, which is exactly what she’s been doing. “it’s actually been great getting the NHS wages as my husband (Another Tory MP and friend of Boris) and I want to buy a Scottish castle next year.” Finally she said “When I get the time, post rehearsals and the albums released, i’ll see how Track & Trace is doing… Thanks for reminding me i’d forgotten all about it!” If anyone can get the NHS Track & Trace working I believe its Dido. Who knows she may even write a catchy pop song about it whilst developing a Covid vaccine!! Christine Batley. Deputy Chief NHS Covid Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

Breaking Free School Dinners News Just In… I’ve just bumped into my slightly tipsy but trust-worthy Government source, who had plenty to share on the subject of giving poor children free food in the holidays. He revealed to me whilst staggering back from the Blind Badger that this Government would not cow-tow to left wing do-gooders and footballers and feed the nations’ hungry young. He went on to reveal that when he was young he never went hungry as he had both a nanny and a cook, both of who’m never asked for Government hand-outs like too many people do these days. Nor did he go cap in hand when he was a member of the elite Bullingdon Club alongside his best mate Boris. “Unlike the youth of today, we stood on our own two feet… And then would fall over.” he went on to add “It was our butlers and man servants that picked us up from the gutter, not the Government or local authorities.” He also blamed the media for “cooking” up a storm to distract from Covid, which the Tories have under control. Before passing out in a hedge he told me “Never before has any ruling party done so much for the poor, for instance we made sure chip shops stayed open during lockdown because that’s all the unemployed eat!” I must say I whole heartedly agree, the poor need to take responsibility for being impoverished and stop blaming BMW and Jaguar owners. It’s not our fault you’re bad with money. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Poverty Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

Breaking scientific health news just in… A slightly tipsy but trust-worthy Government source has revealed to me whilst staggering back from the Blind Badger that Covid 19 is only spreading for 12 hours a day. He went on to reveal that a scientist advisor says it’s only contagious between 10 at night and 10 in the morning, hence why pubs have been told to shut at 10pm before the infection wakes up and spreads during the night. He also said that betting offices, off-licences and strip clubs are completely Covid free which is why he’s spending so much time in them, just to keep himself and his family safe. It’s great to hear some common sense amongst all the fake news being spread by the tabloids and thank God we’ve got such a great Government in charge keeping us all safe and well. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Still Covid Free Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette