Harvest Festival

Dear flock. Just to remind you that this evening’s Harvest Festival service will be starting at 5.45pm and finishing by 7pm so I can get home to watch both the Strictly Come Dancing and X Factor Result Shows. Thank God for such a wonderful Sabbath. If you stupidly turn up after 7pm and find the church locked please leave your harvest gifts in the church porch and i’ll sort out tomorrow morning. If you’ve got frozen goods, such as steaks, thin-crust pizzas and ice cream, please bring in a cool-bag to the vicarage on Monday. Have a wonderful Harvest and see you all later today.

May your God be with you, Cyril Knutsford. Vicar. Beckworth St Faiths

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(Above) Please donate your freshly harvested frozen food to the church

Hit & Knit Bootcamp, Apply Now

Greetings fitness fans. It’s time to limber up those knitting-needles and polish up your boxing gloves as August see’s the return of “our” highly successful Hit & Knit course. Started a few years ago by Beckworth’s very own “lady” TV tennis-commentator and horse-botherer, Clare Balding, the course seeks to give students a grounding in the mental & physical riguers of knitting combined with the keep-fit pummelling of boxing. Although inspired to start the classes by her heroes Eddie The Edwards Eagle and Amir Khan it was her own upbringing she drew on most as she comes from a bare-knuckle fighting dynasty. And her Great-Gran was a World famous speed knitter. In the past Clare has used Hit and Knit to successfully train the X-Factor judging panel, Prince George‘s nanny and the disgraced ex-presenters of Top Gear. In a new twist on the format, this year the course will run 24/7 for 4 weeks with all “inmates” living full-time in the gym changing rooms. Also, due to her busy schedule, Ms Balding has handed the course over to her good “friend” (and ex- Hit & Knit graduate) Michael McIntyre, ably assisted by Ms Clare’s very own Aunt Dolly. Places are limited so book early, and as the slogan says “before you can say Hit One, Purl One you’ll have made yourself a new sweater, with matching shorts, and be able to punch well above your weight. You’ll be a new you!” All sexes welcome, but it’s over 18s only. The whole course only costs £22,673 (excluding costs of materials, food and medical insurance). See you at the gym in August, Rod S. Welling, manager, Chegwins Gym.

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(Above) Mrs Nora Balding, gearing up to assist on this years’ Hit & Knit course

StereoKicks Switch On Christmas Lights For A Second Time

Hello all. Judging by all the emails, texts and letters of complaint i’ve received many of you have noticed that this week the high street has been plunged into darkness due to a power cut caused by the Christmas lights exploding. After many days of hard work, local electrician and ex-TV hostess, Dale Winton has repaired the chain of lights, which he found to have a blown fuse. As luck would have it our favourite ex-X-Factor hopefuls Stereokicks were passing by on there way to the job centre as the repair was finished and so switched on the lights for a second time whilst singing a couple of songs. Resourceful Mr Winton says he’ll be keeping some spare fuses in his pocket in case the lights blow again, and the numerous members of Stereokicks have promised to switch on the lights as often as needed, as they are a bit under-employed at the moment. What a kind offer. G. Grimsby. Mayor

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(Above) The 22 members of Stereokicks happily line up to sign-on earlier today

Outrage On Bake-Off

Dear all. I’m sure you are all as outraged as me that my cousin Jack-A-GooGoo was booted off The Great British Bake Off semi-final last night, especially as he was tipped by bookies and the show’s hosts to win. Jack was forcibly ejected from the tent by producers for the trumped up charge of being drunk in charge of a blender and trying to steal other contestants “showstoppers”. Rumour is Mary Berry and her son Paul Dollywood had to be given incentives to carry on with the show such was their admiration for Jack. A hungover Jack rang me from his bed to say he’s not going to take this lying down and may well sue, but in the meantime he’s going to try his hand once again on the X-Factor and apply to be on Come Dine With Me. So you’ll see plenty of Jack on TV this year, which is a blessing.

Thanks Nelly Ryde (Jack’s manager, baking inspiration and shelf-stacker in 99p Land)

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(Above) A visibly upset Mary Berry on hearing of Jack’s swift exit from Bake Off

Elvis And Bruce Playing Tonight

Great news, the UK’s best 1970s era Elvis Presley and Bruce Forsythe impersonator, Wayne Colchester, will be playing at the Blind Badger tonight before jetting off to Newcastle tomorrow for an X-Factor audition. Wayne will be playing songs from his self-released album “Goin’ Back To Miami (Via Belgium)” and from Strictly Come Dancing. There are plenty of tickets still available for this sell-out show and in honour of Wayne’s gig this weekend’s featured ales at the pub are “Nice To See You, To See You Nice” and “Didn’t We Do Well.”
Cindy Carmarthen, Bar Manager, The Blind Badger Pub & VenueWayneColchester

Double Johnny Tribute Action

Great news for all of you fans of numbers, algebra and easy listening music as Johnny Maths, the country’s number one Johnny Ball and Johnny Mathis tribute act will be performing his show at Beckworth’s number one real ale venue. Yes, this Friday night Mr “Double” Johnny will be on stage performing difficult equations whilst singing the hits of Mr Mathis. One time X-Factor reject Mr Maths will also be signing copies of his debut homemade DVD Maths and Mathis Made Easy, which isn’t available in any shops or on Amazon. Entry, and exit, to the riveting show is only a £9.50 on the door and this weekend’s featured ale at the pub is a specially themed “boffin’s” brew Calculus’s Conundrum. Warning: If you don’t like people singing and don’t like sums, then please stay at home! Cindy Carmarthen, Bar Manager, The Blind Badger Pub & Venue

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(Above Left) Johnny Ball and (Above Right) Johnny Mathis, neither of whom is expected to be at the Blind Badger pub on Friday night

Rolling Stone Has Gastric Band Fitted

Local one man band, and ex-Rolling Stones bassist tribute act, Bill Wideman, has been fitted with a gastric band after dieting failed to reduce his weight. 127 stone Bill, known off stage as “Fat” Ron Penge, has always struggled with his size, “I was a large jolly baby, and never stopped growing” he told me over a take-away curry with chips. When Bill was younger he had a well documented brush with stardom, when in 1998 he was crowned weight watcher of the year, having allegedly lost 56 stone in 6 months. But the judges found out he’d used someone else’s photo as the “slim” shot and had actually put on over 13 stone, so he had to hand back the crown and would have also handed back the winning money had he not spent it on pies. Since then Bill has kept a low profile honing his one-man musical skills and appearing on the X-Factor, Britain’s Got Talent, the Antiques Road Show and Embaressing Bodies, whilst still finding time to busk in the high street. “I’ve incorporated getting craned on and off “stage” (the back of a lorry), and in and out of my bed, into my act which the audiences love” he the added “but it’s got to the point where walls in my house needed demolishing just so I could use the loo. Hence now needing the gastric band” So good luck to Bill nee Ron, I’ll let you know how the diet goes. Yours Christine Batley. Chief Diet Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

The Glastonbury Festival 2013

(Above) The “real” Bill Wyman, who obviously has gastric problems of his own