Hellody Hoo, Marion here. After decades caring for the welfare of animals I am now turning my attention to the two legged residents of Beckworth. I worked for many years in the local abattoir, until I was dismissed, but I’ve recently retrained as a human dietrician and personal trainer, and this month will be bringing the ancient Korean act of Weight Whistling to the UK. So do you want lose 10 stone in just three weeks? Well now it’s possible due to the unique way that weight whistling works! But don’t take my word for it, come along and try it… Classes will be every Monday night in the scout hut at 8 but only genuine, determined tubsters need apply. So how does it work I hear you ask? Well it’s a closely guarded secret, but put simply it’s a workout without music. The participants whistle communist tunes whilst they exercise. I trained under the great teacher Gin Bin Bawl, a mauve belt in Weight Whistling, who until his mysterious death last year was the dietician and keep fit instructor of choice for the glorious leader Kim Jon-un and his very closest allies. So i’ve got all the qualifications, now all I need is a group of fatties to practice on. So get your lazy fat a**e down to the scout hut next Monday night and let’s shed those unsightly pounds. Ta ta, Marion

PS It’s just £36 a class

(Above) Kim JonUn keeping trim with a strenuous Weight Whistling work-out