Tag Archives: Take That

Panto Opens Friday

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Pantomime season is here and The Beckworth Players 2015 panto, The Lizard Of Aus, opens this Friday night. Very loosely based on the Disney film, and soundtrack, The Wizard Of Oz it stars my close friend Gary Barlow as Dorothy, with his band Take That playing (actually miming) the accompanying music live each night. James Cordan is returning to the UK to play the “Thin Man”, Bake-Off‘s Paul Hollywood is the “Bird Scarer”, and Cheryl Fernandez-Volcano plays the “Lioness”. We’ve taken over the scout hut for the productions and turned it into a magical “theatre”. Due to some adult orientated content and swearing the show is for over 18s only. We’ll be doing shows most nights until early January and tickets are on sale from the box-office and the local bakers, but be quick as they’re selling like hot cakes. See you at the shows, Chico (producer)

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(Above) Our leading lady Gary Barlow thoroughly relishing his five minutes of fame

Pantomime Auditions Next Week

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Pantomime season is almost upon us and in the spirit of yuletide The Beckworth Players will be holding open auditions for some very minor, yet glamorous, parts in this year’s dramatic extravaganza. Next Tuesday we will start looking for fresh talent for our much anticipated 2015 panto, The Lizard Of Aus. Could this be you? For five or six nights around Christmas we will be putting on our original festive performance very loosely based on the Disney film, and soundtrack, The Wizard Of Oz. We’ve made enough changes to get around copyright issues, the rewrite was quickly done for us by acting legend, and star of a few pantos herself, Dame Maggie Smith. The script promises, in Dame’s words, to be truly wonderful! I’ve written some great new songs about lizards and Australia with my close friend Gary Barlow. Gary will take the lead role playing Dorothy, a childhood ambition he told me, and his band Take That will play the accompanying music live each night (Or maybe mime). We’ve secured Pierce Brosnan to direct the panto (his first time directing), James Cordan to play the “Thin Man”, Bake-Off‘s Paul Hollywood is the “Bird Scarer”, Cheryl Cole (or whatever she’s called these days) will play the “Lioness”, Katie Price is our “Right Bitch”, the “Wicked Bitch of the North is TV’s Holly Willoughby, and Peter Andre will star as the ballroom-dancing “Australian Lizard”.  Understandably all the best parts have already been taken by key members of The Beckworth Players but we will still need new talent for the boring non-speaking parts, the occasional dance, a bit of backing-singing and to sell snacks and drink in the interval. Please bring a torch, or candle, as auditions will be held in a small unlit garage behind the launderette as our rehearsal space above Chiswicks’ The Fishmongers is being fumigated. We’ve a part in the performance to suit almost anyone of every gender, colour and sexual preference. But let’s face it we really only want Beckworth’s most attractive, single, young people. So if you’re over 25 or need a crane to get in and out of the bath don’t waste our time. Pierce says he wants to find the next Sam Smith and Adele, preferably with acting skills. So please come along and show us your talent. You must be 18 or over and be hot. See you next Tuesday, Chico (producer)

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(Above) Peter Andres’s amazing panto costume, kindly made by his ex-wife Jordan

Jason Orange Announces Post Take That Plans

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Hello. I’m very honoured to announce that my cousin, and regular glazing customer, Jason Orange today called a press conference in the showrooms of Anglican Windows (where Jason was ordering new patio doors) to share with us his secret-until-now post- Take That plans. Whilst expertly demonstrating our range of uPVC windows to members of the media, cousin Jase unveiled his idea to form a super group alongside Brian Harvey, John Hendy and Terry Coldwell (ex-members of East 17) and Howie Dorough (of rockband The Backstreet Boys). He’s registered the name Just Seventeen Boys and hopes to use sponsorship and crowdfunding to finance a tour of local pubs and record a single. On behalf of Anglican Windows may I wish Jason and his young friends the best of luck with the band. And with the new doors. Celine Dion, manageress, Anglican Windows

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(Above) Jason Orange’s handsome arm demonstrates how to safely open a double-glazed window earlier today

Why Do We Have New Years Day… And Is There A Cure For A New Year’s Eve Hangover?

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Hello all and happy New Year to all my fans and scholars. Professor Brian here, and (due to contractual agreement) I’ve been asked to answer a query from those of you who don’t have my huge capacity for knowledge or my natural handsomeness and lovely hair. Today’s question has been emailed, texted and shouted at me by dozens of you recently… “Why do we have a New Year’s Day? And Is There A Cure For A New Year’s Eve Hangover?” Funilly enough, this is the fourth most asked question I get asked whilst out and about shopping in town and so know the answer without looking it up (for those interested the most common enquiry I get is “Why is the earth round?” Second; “How long is a piece of string?” And the third “Can you get that tin down off the top shelf for me please”).

In a break from tradition I’m going to answer this question in two parts, so you dear general public can take it all on board. Also, neither of them will be explained here today as i’m still feeling a bit “reupholstered” from seeing in 2015 with my dear friends from the cast of Downton Abbey and Holby. So hold tight a few more hours, or more likely days, and i’ll tell all asap. Promise.

In the meantime I’m rushing off to meet my close friends Take That in the Sainsco Cafe. Thanks, Prof Brian Cox.

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(Above) Sir Brian Cox’s close friends Take That pictured with some 2nd hand bargains they’d bought earlier today at the church hall jumble sale

Irreplaceable Items Stolen From Local Old People’s Home

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Hello all, shocking news just in, five nights ago the Dick Van Dyke nursing home was burgled with many irreplaceable items being taken. Speaking on behalf of the home, matron Anne Widdecombe CBE, said the break-in only came to light this morning when someone noticed the residents were watching a blank wall where the telly had been. She went on to say many priceless artifacts were very likely stolen including some fake jewellery, a mink coat with the security-tag still on, an original Silver Jubilee Asda biscuit tin, a chipped china figure of ballerina wrestling a bear, a lovely new ipad and camera, the aforementioned big colour telly and a Mr Reginald Owen. Mrs Anne said the insurance company have been informed and were sending someone round on their bike. She also stressed how hard it will be to put a value on Mr Owen, although she would try, going on to mention a ballpark figure of £500,000 plus funeral expenses. “But Reg is priceless really. A real joy to push around in his wheelchair, the life and soul of the home. And it’s very out of character for Mr Owen to go out without his teeth in and his hat on.” she said over a mid-morning Gin “Hence the suspicion that he has also been stolen. Maybe there’ll be a reward for his safe return?” When pressed about him being a potential kidnap victim she added “He was always regaling us with tales about his mischievous Grandsons, Take That‘s Mark Owen and Eastenders’ Sid “Ricky” Owen. So his ransom could be worth a bob or two… Dead or alive!” Police are underplaying the break-in claiming “It is probably just an insurance scam, they’ve tried it twice before,” and dismissed Reg’s disappearance saying “He is probably locked in a toilet having been told to keep out of sight until the insurers pay-up.” Christine Batley. Chief Burglery and Potential Kidnap Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

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(Above) Take That’s Mark Owen who’s Granddad has been reported “stolen”