Panto Opens Friday

Posted on 16/12/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

Pantomime season is here and The Beckworth Players 2015 panto, The Lizard Of Aus, opens this Friday night. Very loosely based on the Disney film, and soundtrack, The Wizard Of Oz it stars my close friend Gary Barlow as Dorothy, with his band Take That playing (actually miming) the accompanying music live each night. James Cordan is returning to the UK to play the “Thin Man”, Bake-Off‘s Paul Hollywood is the “Bird Scarer”, and Cheryl Fernandez-Volcano plays the “Lioness”. We’ve taken over the scout hut for the productions and turned it into a magical “theatre”. Due to some adult orientated content and swearing the show is for over 18s only. We’ll be doing shows most nights until early January and tickets are on sale from the box-office and the local bakers, but be quick as they’re selling like hot cakes. See you at the shows, Chico (producer)

(Above) Our leading lady Gary Barlow thoroughly relishing his five minutes of fame

Outrage As Local Celebrity Will Not Be Appearing In The Jungle

Posted on 10/11/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

Dear all. I’m sure you are all as outraged as me that my cousin Jack-A-GooGoo will not be appearing on the new TV series of I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here. Producers have said that Jack is not a celebrity! I disagree as he’s better known than Lady Colin Campbell who’s going to be on. No one’s ever heard of him… And I’d like to see this Colin eat kangeroo b******s and scorpion’s willies in the bush tucker trial. Jack would scoff them as he’d be too p****d to notice. Rumour has it that Jack’s good friends Lord Sugar, Mary Berry and her son Paul Hollywood will be in the new series, and they’d love Jack to be with them. He’s such good fun when he’s drunk. Which he always is. But not to be outdone by smart-arse TV people i’m going to start fundraising to get him flown out to Australia so he can sneak into the jungle unannounced. That will give those dwarves Ant and Dec a shock! So please help me with the fundraising and let’s get Jack back on TV. And of course whilst Jack is still in this country he is available to sing at weddings, births, divorces, etc. so give me a ring to book him.

Thanks Nelly Ryde (Jack’s manager, survival trainer and shelf-stacker in 99p Land)

(Above) Jack managed to get on set with Ant and Dec in the UK recently, which as can be seen made them very happy

Pantomime Auditions Next Week

Posted on 01/10/2015 by a resident of Beckworth

Pantomime season is almost upon us and in the spirit of yuletide The Beckworth Players will be holding open auditions for some very minor, yet glamorous, parts in this year’s dramatic extravaganza. Next Tuesday we will start looking for fresh talent for our much anticipated 2015 panto, The Lizard Of Aus. Could this be you? For five or six nights around Christmas we will be putting on our original festive performance very loosely based on the Disney film, and soundtrack, The Wizard Of Oz. We’ve made enough changes to get around copyright issues, the rewrite was quickly done for us by acting legend, and star of a few pantos herself, Dame Maggie Smith. The script promises, in Dame’s words, to be truly wonderful! I’ve written some great new songs about lizards and Australia with my close friend Gary Barlow. Gary will take the lead role playing Dorothy, a childhood ambition he told me, and his band Take That will play the accompanying music live each night (Or maybe mime). We’ve secured Pierce Brosnan to direct the panto (his first time directing), James Cordan to play the “Thin Man”, Bake-Off‘s Paul Hollywood is the “Bird Scarer”, Cheryl Cole (or whatever she’s called these days) will play the “Lioness”, Katie Price is our “Right Bitch”, the “Wicked Bitch of the North is TV’s Holly Willoughby, and Peter Andre will star as the ballroom-dancing “Australian Lizard”. Understandably all the best parts have already been taken by key members of The Beckworth Players but we will still need new talent for the boring non-speaking parts, the occasional dance, a bit of backing-singing and to sell snacks and drink in the interval. Please bring a torch, or candle, as auditions will be held in a small unlit garage behind the launderette as our rehearsal space above Chiswicks’ The Fishmongers is being fumigated. We’ve a part in the performance to suit almost anyone of every gender, colour and sexual preference. But let’s face it we really only want Beckworth’s most attractive, single, young people. So if you’re over 25 or need a crane to get in and out of the bath don’t waste our time. Pierce says he wants to find the next Sam Smith and Adele, preferably with acting skills. So please come along and show us your talent. You must be 18 or over and be hot. See you next Tuesday, Chico (producer)

(Above) Peter Andres’s amazing panto costume, kindly made by his ex-wife Jordan

Outrage On Bake-Off

Posted on 02/10/2014 by a resident of Beckworth

Dear all. I’m sure you are all as outraged as me that my cousin Jack-A-GooGoo was booted off The Great British Bake Off semi-final last night, especially as he was tipped by bookies and the show’s hosts to win. Jack was forcibly ejected from the tent by producers for the trumped up charge of being drunk in charge of a blender and trying to steal other contestants “showstoppers”. Rumour is Mary Berry and her son Paul Dollywood had to be given incentives to carry on with the show such was their admiration for Jack. A hungover Jack rang me from his bed to say he’s not going to take this lying down and may well sue, but in the meantime he’s going to try his hand once again on the X-Factor and apply to be on Come Dine With Me. So you’ll see plenty of Jack on TV this year, which is a blessing.