Postponed Market On This Sunday

Posted on 11/03/2016 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello. This is a reminder that last week’s postponed Beckworth annual Mothering Sunday Donkey, Sheep and Poultry Farmer’s Market has been hastily rescheduled for this Sunday. The free event is taking place in the town hall after a mysterious fire destroyed the heavily insured badly-in-need-of-renovation ancient market hall last Saturday. The market will be opened at 10am by Countryfile‘s Anita Rani and a Z-List celebrity hanger-on Ms Anita met when she won Strictly Come Dancing (It’s someone called Jay who i’ve never heard of but he’s allegedly great with animals. Especially dead ones). It’s bound to be a fascinating day out for the whole family, young, old, blind and infirm, with stalls selling everything from sheepskin underwear, leather chaps to unpasteurized milk and powdered rhino horn. The abattoir will be putting on it’s ever popular “electro” display, Mrs Rani will be giving demonstrations of how easy animal annihilation is and get this…. For just £62 you can even buy your Mum the chance to have a go herself. What better way is there to belatedly say “happy mother’s day Mum” than by letting her get up close to a healthy heffer and humanely “sending it to meet it’s maker”. See you there, and remember to wear old clothes and wellies as there will be animal s**t, blood, knackers and guts everywhere. Cheers, Gary Grimsby. Mayor.

(Above, centre) Mrs Rani psychs herself up with a quick boogie in readiness for killing some defenceless cattle on Sunday

Beckworth’s Biggest, And Best, Dog Set To Raise The Bar, And The Roof, At Crufts

Posted on 10/03/2016 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello fellow dog lovers. We’ve an exciting weekend ahead as the highlight of the canine calender, Crufts, is once again upon us. And this year Beckworth stands a good chance of winning Biggest In Class, if not the overall Best In Show rosettes. Local dog breeder, and ex-New Kid On The Block, Donnie Wahlberg will be showing David, his Shih Tweiler (a Shih Tsu and a Rottweiler cross breed). David is purportedly the biggest dog ever bred and already dwarfs his owner despite still being a puppy. Cruft’s organisers are hopeful David won’t grow any bigger in coming days as his head almost reaches the arena roof already and a growth spurt would make it impossible to accommodate him within the NEC at Birmingham. Good luck to Donnie and David this weekend, let’s hope they get in the arena and win lots of prizes. Lena “Yorkie” Dartford. Beckworth Kennel Club

(Above) Camera shy locals Donnie and David prepare to wow the crowds at Crufts

International Woman’s Day

Posted on 08/03/2016 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello sisters, please join us today by downing tools, withdrawing labour, empowering womanhood and remembering those worse off than ourselves. We will be setting off on a march to the scout hut at midday and once arrived will hear speeches from many prominent international guest speakers. Some strong women’s voices from overseas, such as Kim Kardashian and Dolly Parton, will be heard via recorded messages sent on email and projected onto a wall. So it will be a powerful inaugural women-only event not to be missed. Yours Sylvie Stoke. Chair Lady. Beckworth WI

Celebrate Mummy’s Day (Almost) Every Day Of The Year

Posted on 06/03/2016 by a resident of Beckworth

Please dismiss the utter guff you may have read elsewhere about the roots of mothering Sunday, the real legacy of mother’s day began in ancient Egypt, not Britain. And all because, metaphorically speaking, well-oiled wheels were set in motion by Tutankhamun, when, he continued to celebrate his mummy’s birthday (in early March) after her death. Such was his undying love for his deceased mother, Nefertiti, that he had her embalmed and stood in the corner of his living room so he could still talk to her whilst having his tea. Thus began the tradition of preserving the dead and the term “mummy” became Nefertiti’s epitaph. You can come and venerate the museum’s preserved mummy’s most days of the year, but we’re closed Mondays to Saturdays and Christmas Day. Thanking you, Prof. Rupert Wheathamsted. Beckworth Museum Of Egyptology, Entomology and Escapology

(Above) Mr Tutankhamun and his dead mummy. Both now live happily in the local museum of Egyptology, Entomology and Escapology

Happy Mummer’s Day

Posted on 06/03/2016 by a resident of Beckworth

Good morning Beckworth. On this day I would like you all to witness the renaissance of the true meaning of Mother’s Day, or to give today it’s original name, Mummer’s day. For this afternoon on the sports field (weather permitting) the Beckworth Bothamers Morris Dancer troupe will invoke the spirit of Mummer (Mother) Nature through the power of dance, fiddle, bells and banging sticks. Recently discovered dusty old ancient manuscripts (photocopies of which were found in an attic somewhere) have cast new light on British traditions from 1000s of years in the past and we are the first morris dancers and mummers to re-enact these joyous medieval dances and songs… So please come along and please join in, we need more members! Yours sincerely Alan Stroud. Lead Clacker, Beckworth Bothamers Morris Dancers

(Above) The Beckworth Bothamers Morris Dancer troupe chillaxing in the pub late last night / earlier this morning prior to invoking the spirit of Mummer Nature

Banksys Real Identity (Almost) Revealed

Posted on 04/03/2016 by a resident of Beckworth

Breaking art news just in…. earlier today local scientists announced they had found out the true identity of the mysterious street artist Banksy using DNA testing. For the time being, to give Banksy time to pay to keep his anonymity, the scientists have only revealed he is a humble well-travelled Argentinian man who lives in Rome….

(Above) Street artist Banksy discretely leaving his mark on the men’s public toilet wall earlier today (the wall will now be sold to raise funds for the council’s Christmas party)

Special Offers For St Peter Of Pappacarbone’s Day

Posted on 04/03/2016 by a resident of Beckworth

Oi. How do you fancy getting a mouth-watering deal to celebrate St Peter Of Pappacarbone‘s Day? Who he you silly peoples ask? He the Italian patron Saint of Pasta and Pizza. So Papa Dave is offering 12″ inch delivered pizzas for the price of 10″. But hurry this offer is on for 2 hours only, between 12.15 and 2.30 today. So go on, treat yourself and give thanks to St Peter P today. And while you’re at it why not sing his famous tongue-twister “Peter Pappacarbone picked a pepperoni pizza plus plenty of pasta puttanesca” whilst treating the whole family to some standard size pizzas. We’re offering a free can of out of date ginger beer to anyone spending over £50. Cheers Papa Dave Strood. Papa Dave’s Pizzeria & Italian Cafe

Do Ya Mum A Favour This Sunday

Posted on 03/03/2016 by a resident of Beckworth

Alright fans, how ya doing? It’s me, handsome Greg from off your telly. And as i’m not presenting any high-brow TV programmes at the moment i’m working extra hard on my new Fruit & Veg rental service. And get this, i’m now branching out into flowers. Just in time for Mother’s Day. That’s right, rented flowers delivered to your Mum’s door by Greg’s Fruit & Veg Hire. Simply put, i’m offering to rent out (and deliver on me bike) bundles of flowers for up to 6 months at a time!!! I must be crazy but for a bit of extra dosh i’ll even throw in a vase. So why not give me a try and give your Mum the treat she deserves this Mothering Sunday. You could even buy her a marrow or some spuds at the same time and see her little old wrinkled face light up ’cause she knows you love her lots. Yours, Greg Wallace. Master Gregs the Grocers

(Above) Why not let TV’s handsome Greg Wallace deliver rented flowers (and veg) to your dear old Mum this Sunday?

Astronaut Comes Down To Earth With A Bump

Posted on 02/03/2016 by a resident of Beckworth

Breaking space age news just in… Local astronaut (and frustrated drummer) Phil Collins has this morning broken the record for the most days and night spent in space. 764 days. Poor Mr Phil was only meant to go into orbit for a week as punishment for annoying his neighbours with his loud drumming and singing, but has been unable to hitch a lift back home to earth. That was until today. His fellow NASA space station astronauts got so fed up with his impromptu “performances” that they personally paid for a rocket to come and pick him up… One was quoted as saying “Whoever reckoned in space no one can hear you drumming, evidently hasn’t been into outer space with this chap!” Mr Collins had a shaky re-entry when his second-hand rocket almost disintegrated but now he’s back on earth Phil says he hopes to get his old band Pink Floyd back together and hit the road. Good luck Phil. Christine Batley. Chief “Space Rock” Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) Phil Collins, the first drummer in space, returning to Earth earlier today

World Book Spa Day

Posted on 02/03/2016 by a resident of Beckworth

Howdy hi and pleased to meet you. I’m Albert Leamington III, and I run the hugely successful Beckworth Hall Spa. As I am a generous man, and in recognition of World Book Day, Beckworth’s number one spa is offering a huge 10% off sauna sessions. But only for those who come dressed up as their favourite book character. Come early as places in the small sauna are very limited. Albert

(Above) Local author and tanning-salon owner Katie Price gets into the spirit of World Book Day by dressing as the character Katie Price from a book written by Katie Price.

Life in Beckworth

Bringing you the (almost) everyday comings and goings of the residents of Beckworth, a typical English market town. Informing you about their lives through the mediums of words, images, an interactive map and stereophonic sound recordings

Monthly Archives: March 2016