Hello Beckworth. I hope this message is finding you well. I have just remembered to send out this reminder that this bank holiday Monday (the day after tomorrow) your wonderful town council has found the funding to be hosting the annual Beckworth MayDay Fish Race. To be held on the fast-flowing River Winnet if we have a sunny day of sunshine, if not the race will take place in Beckworth High School’s unheated swimming pool. It will probably be a fun morning for most of the family, but I am under strict orders to paste in this message of warning: I must advise you to please remember to keep all cats and caged, fish-eating, birds indoor. As in previous years we have had some entrants eaten before the race had started.
And now a message to all competitors: Could you please be bringing your race-prepared fishes (You should all have been issued with your race colours and unique numbers to paint on the sides of your aquatic entry) to the Pamela Anderson Memorial Room in the library at 9:30 for the weigh-in. The race will start at 10.45 sharp from the Ginsters Bridge, and the starter this year will be local morning telly star, and one of TV’s favourite cat loving advertising men, Pip Schofield. He has promised he will be leaving his kitten at home and attending alone.
Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. Mayor. Beckworth Town Council
Hello my flock. May I wish you all a very happy Easter and invite you to the services we are having this weekend. We kick things off this evening at 5.45 with our traditional Maundy Thursday Service. In accordance to the Holy scriptures, and to remember the last supper, we will eat fish and chips in the pews and afterwards I will wash the feet and socks of members of the congregation. But please eat the food quickly and don’t come with dirty feet or footwear as the service mustn’t drag on and must finish by 7.15 (I need to get home to see Eastenders and Masterchef). Tomorrow at 5am we will have our Good Friday family service, including a blessing of baby chicks and lambs followed by communion with wine and Hot Cross Buns. Then, after a break to allow me to watch This Morning with my favourite host Philip “Pip” Schofield, we will be staging St Faith’s annual Multi Faith Good Friday Sports Day. Hosted by us every Easter to remember the time our Lord was crucified and then rolled away a stone to “rise again.” We celebrate the occasion with friends and foe of all faiths including the atheists, whether you believe in one God, no God or numerous all our welcome. It’s joyous that a shared love of competitive sports and the temptation of finding the half-dozen cream-eggs hidden around the church yard can bring a community together. Saturday will be a day of rest, feasting and shopping and then on Sunday we will have four Easter services, at 6.30am, 10am, 3pm and 6.15pm (and as they don’t clash with any good telly you’ve no excuse for not attending). On Monday we will have a mass at 11am with a blind-fold egg and spoon race through the grave yard afterwards. I trust we will see you at ALL of the services. Happy Easter and God Bless You All. Cyril Knutsford, Vicar, Beckworth St Faiths
(Above) Documentary evidence of the church’s difficult, yet popular, annual Easter egg hunt in full flow last year
Hello. We are starting auditions next week for our first dramatic performance of 2014 and are looking for new talent. This could be you! For five nights around Easter we will be putting on an original musical loosely based on the film Pirates Of The Caribbean. But in a twist of pure genius all the characters are birds of paradise not pirates, so it’s been imaginatively titled Parrots Of The Caribbean. Written down the pub by local girls made good Dame Maggie Smith and Sir Judie Dench, with a little help from Andrew Lloyd Webber‘s younger brother Neville, our performances will be a world first. I’ve seen the script in passing and given it’s novelty value it’s very likely to transfer to the West End or Broadway… or even Hollywood. So this could be your stab at stardom! First time director Gordon Brown will be auditioning hopefuls from 7pm daily but come early as auditions are bound to be very busy… And if you have your own feathered costume please wear it. The lead parts have already been taken by key members of The Beckworth Players, daytime TV heartthrob Philip Schofield will play Jack SparrowHawk, but we will still need cast members for inconsequential non-speaking parts, the odd dance routine and to sell ice-creams in the interval. Auditions will be held in our rehearsal space above Chiswicks The Fishmongers and are open to anyone. But to be honest we’re really looking for extremely beautiful people, so if you’re a bit of a minger don’t waste our time. Mr Gordon says he wants to find the next Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus or at least I think that’s what he said, but I was texting at the time. So please come along and show us your talent. You must be 18 or over and have your own tap shoes. See you Monday, Chico (producer)
(Above) Philip “Pip” Schofield excitedly tries on his new costume for the first time today