Harvest Festival Service

Dear flock. Just to remind you that this evening’s Harvest Festival service will be starting at 5pm and finishing promptly at 6.30 so I can get home to watch both Strictly Come Dancing and the Antiques Roadshow before rushing off to the airport. As the parish magazine noted the service was brought forward by a week or two so I can accept the Bishop’s offer of a free two-week holiday with him and his male chums on the tropical island of Ibiza. I can’t wait…. But please be warned, if you should stupidly turn up after the service has ended and find the church locked please leave your harvest gifts in the church porch and i’ll sort out when I get back from holiday. If you’ve got frozen goods, such as steaks, thin-crust pizzas and ice cream, please take the items in a cool-bag to round to the verger’s house. I’d like to wish you all a wonderful Harvest, especially you farmers and grocers, and i’ll see you all later today.

May your God be with you, Cyril Knutsford. Vicar. Beckworth St Faiths

Food - Microwavable Lasagna

(Above) Popular harvest festival items wanted by the church

Fudge Appeal… Two Or Three Years On

Dear all. I’m very pleased to say that Anthony “Tony” Worrall-Thompson and his son Heston Blumenthal have almost finished a bit more of their huge “Fudgeworth” model village (of Beckworth made entirely of fudge). They’ve made, literally, a ton of models in the past year or two, or three, but still need a few thousand fudge bricks to complete the model prison. Heston’s Dad said the duo need all of Beckworth’s residents to get off their fat a***s and make at least eleven kilograms of fudge each to get this part of the model finished in time for Christmas. Or failing that next spring… So let’s get baking Beckworth, the celebrity chefs need you. And remember we are an equal opportunities hotel with wheelchair access so there’s no excuse for differently-abled residents not personally delivering fudge. Thanks, Sandy Luton, General Manager, Hill View Hotel

Heston&Tony_Fudge

Pantomime Auditions This Week

Pantomime season is almost within sight and in readiness of Christmas The Beckworth Players are holding open auditions for this year’s theatrical pantomime extravaganza. This Thursday we will start looking for fresh talent to play some minor roles in our much anticipated 2016 panto. Could there be a part in it you? To be honest probably not, but the auditions are a good laugh for us judges. But what of the panto I hear you ask…. Well, for five or six nights around Christmas we will be putting on an original festive performance very loosely based on the story of Cinderella. In our story, written and directed by Bake Off‘s Paul Hollywood, poor Cinders is left at home whilst her ugly sisters, played by Paul’s ex-colleagues Mel and Sue, go off to bake in a big tent. The panto is called Cindella’s Soggy Bottom, but I won’t give the ending away… Just to say Cinders, played by Fearne Cotton (a last minute replacement for Mary Berry who currently isn’t talking to her son Paul), ends up secretly winning the Channel 4 sponsored Bake Off… Then the Prince who’s judging it, played by Mr Hollywood, sets off to find the secret baker…  All the good parts have already been taken by key members but we will still need new “talent” for the boring non-speaking parts, the odd dance and baking routine and to sell Paul’s bakery products in the interval. As usual auditions will be held in our rehearsal space above Chiswicks The Fishmongers and are open to almost anyone, though for gorgeous, slim, young people are preferred, so if you’ve got a face like an angry walrus or take up two seats on the bus don’t waste our time. Paul says he wants to find the next Will Young, Kim Kardashian or Cara Delevingne, preferably with puff-pastry skills. So please come along and show us your talent. You must be 18 or over and have your own rolling pin.

See you Thursday, Chico (producer)

Beckworth_Paul-Hollywood_With_Mel&Sue

(Above) Handsome Paul Hollywood with his ugly sisters Mel and Sue