Heroic Son Released On Parole

Dear Beckworth. As promised many years ago I am keeping my husband Noel Edmund’s billions of fans up to date with whereabouts of our youngest son Neil, the World famous ice skating champion and mime artist. You may remember our favourite son left Beckworth almost exactly five years and unfortunately a short time into his round the world skating and mime trip was arrested and imprisoned in Italy for allegedly roller-blading nude outside the Vatican… He luckily escaped prison by disguising himself as a takeaway-pizza box and thanks to a very friendly oil tanker hitched a ride to Brazil… He hadn’t been in Rio long when he was imprisoned again, this time on fabricated charges of imitating in the street, naked apart from a crown of thorns, the famous statue Christ The Redeemer… Thankfully after serving almost 3 years in a maximum security prison Neil has been placed on probation and is planning to stow-away to the USA, where he will no doubt be welcomed and given shelter by his Dad’s legions of American fans. Sir Donald Trump is a fan of Noels House Party so perhaps Neil will end up working at the White House? I’ll keep you posted on Neils’s ongoing adventure, hopefully at last starting the US leg of his global quest to bring ice skating and mime to the World’s rich and famous. And you can show you care by sponsoring Neil via his dad’s Deal Or No deal website or by giving us large amounts of cash in person (no coins please). Many thanks (Mrs) Nell Edmunds

Dr Cox Why Do The American Celebrate The 4th July, Is It Jesus’s Birthday?

Hello all, it’s your genius Prof Brian Cox here. The line above asks “Is Today Jesus’s Birthday?” I get that out of the way straight away as I can answer it very quickly, whilst I comb my beautiful hair, and the answer is… No, of course its not! His birthday is at Easter, so you’ve missed it. To discover the reason our American friends celebrate 4th July we have to go back about 500 years in history to the Middle Ages (sometimes known as the Dark Ages as it was before Edison had invented light bulbs… or lighthouses). In those days terrible Tory landowners had inflicted heavy taxes on the poor here in England, so many poor folk emigrated as stowaways to the USA (that’s poor as in they had no money… not they were unlucky). Many of the very first US settlers were originally from Beckworth, such as Donald Trump‘s turnip picking ancestors Vince and Mary Trump. In fact “fact fans” the name Trump is in fact Turnip wrongly spelt when they landed in America! Anyway I digress… like many of their fellow Beckworth stowaways they settled within spitting distance of New York‘s famous Statue Of Liberty and named their new village New Beckworth, with whom we were once twinned until we fell out with them last year. Anyway, July 4th was chosen as a day to celebrate arriving in the USA as it was almost exactly half way through the year and the day when the first pub opened in New Beckworth. So that’s the answer, and remember who told you first… I’ve got to rush off now, I’m having a cream tea and drinks with my most special new friends HRH Princess Meghan and Prince Harry pals, and don’t want to be late…. See you soon, and keep the faith. Ta ta, Prof Brian Cox.

Trump To Have Very Secret “Fishy” Visit To Beckworth

USA Presidential news just in… Just as Sir Donald Trump lands down in the UK rumours have reached us that the President is due to have a sneaky visit to his ancestral town of Beckworth. It is terribly hush-hush and being denied by secret service but I have it on good authority (thanks to the president’s very distant cousin, local scaffolder Muhhamad Turay-Trump) that Mr Trump, along with the Queen and the PM, will visit the town to grab a portion of his favourite Cod & Large Chips drenched in curry sauce from award winning chip shop Chip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah. Proud owners Lance & Brenda Colville said Mr Donny discovered the treat on his last state visit in 2018 and even took an extra portion of chips with him for the flight home… I’ll keep you posted when I know what time he and his entourage are due tomorrow so we can give him a splendid Beckworth welcome. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief US of A Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette