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Category Archives: Town Council
Happy VE Day Bank Holiday
VE Day Tomorrow
Annual May Day Fish Race To Go Online Via “Live-Streaming”
Hello Beckworth. This is your “spreading joy” leader speaking. As you will know May Bank Holiday means your caring council hosting the annual Beckworth MayDay Fish Race, but due to lock-down and the fact we can’t guarantee the fishy contestants keeping two metres apart we have decided the event must happen via the internet. Technology and broadband permitting contestants will be filmed live doing 30 circuits of their trainers baths, with the first past the taps being declared the winner. As it will all be done via “live-streaming” (whatever that is) every Beckworth resident will be able to watch from the comfort of their homes… And remember this year, probably due to Covid 19, bank holiday will be on Friday not Monday.
The event sounds like a lot of fun and a video-call for all the family, and even your cats and pet fish can watch! All race-prepared fishes must be ready to start the race punctually at 9:30 or thereabouts, race colours and unique numbers to paint on the sides of your aquatic entry will be sent by email later this week, and remember all contestants must be videoed pre-race being weighed on kitchen scales. The starter this year will once again be local celeb, and TV’s favourite brick-layer, Nick Knowles (himself a big fan of fish).
Please stay home. Keep well. Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. Mayor.
Happy St George’s Day
Beckworth Parks & Green Spaces Close With Immediate Effect
Hello Beckworth. This is your “now i’m getting tough” leader speaking. It is with a heavy heart that, having taken Police advice I have decided to close all our parks and green spaces. Yesterday thousands of young, middle-aged and old people who should know better literally flooded the local parks, no doubt putting themselves and others at risk. Please stay home. Keep well. Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. Mayor.
(Above) An artists impression of Beckworth’s locked park gates
April Fools Day Cancelled.
Only joking! April Fool… Admit it I got you with that one. I just thought i’d put a smile on your lockdown weary faces… Keep well. Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. Mayor.
Don’t Forget To Enter Another Time Zone At Midnight Tonight
Hello Beckworth. This is your “let’s beat the C-Virus together” leader speaking. In times of national emergency, such as the one we’re in, it is important we all help each other… Tonight at midnight or thereabouts the time zone the UK is currently are in will change, you will need to put clocks and watches back by an hour, or perhaps it’s forward… Anyway, whichever way you change it it is vitally important for the health of the nation that it is done. Tonight. And if you know anyone self-isolating who probably can’t do it for themselves why not pop around tonight and do it for them? Remember to wash your hands afterwards… Keep well. Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. Mayor.
(Above) An artist’s impression of a clock being turned back. Or perhaps forward.
Beckworth Leads The Way With Almost Total Lock Down
Hello Beckworth. This is your C-Virus free leader speaking. It is with a heavy heart that I have to announce, that as of midnight tonight all non-essential shops will close in Beckworth and surrounding towns and villages. Food retailers, off licences, chemists, carpet showrooms, banks and post offices will remain open for the time being, but if visiting any of these please consider others and keep two metres apart. The park remains open but only for jogging, no walking please as this will lead to congestion. We need to take this virus very seriously, I myself am in lockdown keeping the council running on your behalf, with only the council staff to bring me anything I require at any time. Keep home, keep well. Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. Mayor.
(Above) A very well locked Beckworth shop earlier today
Mothering Sunday Donkey, Sheep and Poultry Farmer’s Market. New Date Announced, Probably
Hello Beckworth. This is your leader speaking. Like many of you I am currently working from home, with my council staff delivering food and meals to me… As you know we took the decision this week to postpone the Annual Mothering Sunday Donkey, Sheep and Poultry Farmer’s Market, which was due to happen today. We looked at taking the event online, using video calling, but when we tried it on Friday it proved impossible to get the animals to “perform to camera.” So now the free event will most likely be postponed until Father’s Day… We’re not sure when that is but Countryfile‘s John Craven (who will host the event) has said he’ll try and find out. I’ll keep you posted, and in the meantime if you have any home-cooked meals or alcoholic drink to deliver to me, please leave all items in my porch, ring the doorbell and run. Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. New Mayor.
(Above) An artists accurate depiction of the empty market yesterday, or perhaps today