Breaking US Presidential Election News Just In… Well not exactly news, more me wanting to send my prayers to our dear American friends. We know you’ll do the right thing and re-elect President Trump, he will save the planet unlike Weepy Joe and the democrats (or demoprats as I call them) who will destroy us all and let the superpowers like the Russians, North Koreans and Chinese take over the globe (Don’t get me started on germ warfare, but think where we are currently. I blame Obama and Blair). Sorry rant over… I’ll keep you posted with any news, tittle-tattle or gossip. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Political Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

Breaking sad loss news just in… It is with a sad heart that I must inform you that local comedy legend Bobby Ball has passed away in hospital due to Covid 19. Bobby was best know as the talented half of comedy duo Holland & Barrett who graced our TVs in the 1980s and toured the country in recent years. Bobby also played Lee Mack‘s dad in the TV hit sitcom “I’m Going Out”. His comedy partner Tommy said Bobby will be greatly missed by friends and family alike, but mostly by his tribute act Robby Hall, who is said to beside himself with grief (although he is still taking bookings)… Our thoughts go out to Bobby’s family, but thank God we’ve got such a caring, responsible Government in charge keeping the rest of us safe and Covid free. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief In Mourning Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

Breaking ex-pop star news just in… I’ve just come off an enlightening zoom call with my cousin’s good friend, and head of NHS Track & Trace Dido Harding. Dido was keen to speak despite being in the middle of singing lessons as she wanted to give her side of the story concerning track and trace failures since she took over control. Dido was famously a pop-singer before heading up the phone company Talk Talk and marrying into Tory “Royalty” She explained it’s very hard run track & trace when you’ve no idea what it is and you’re only doing it for the money whilst rehearsing for a world tour in support of a forthcoming album, her first in 17 years… Dido went onto say “Until I got the handsomely paid job I had no inkling of what the NHS was, i’ve always gone private.” and when offered the T&T job she told great friend and PM Boris Johnson that she had no time for it… But our great leader said she could probably just do it in her spare time, which is exactly what she’s been doing. “it’s actually been great getting the NHS wages as my husband (Another Tory MP and friend of Boris) and I want to buy a Scottish castle next year.” Finally she said “When I get the time, post rehearsals and the albums released, i’ll see how Track & Trace is doing… Thanks for reminding me i’d forgotten all about it!” If anyone can get the NHS Track & Trace working I believe its Dido. Who knows she may even write a catchy pop song about it whilst developing a Covid vaccine!! Christine Batley. Deputy Chief NHS Covid Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

Breaking Free School Dinners News Just In… I’ve just bumped into my slightly tipsy but trust-worthy Government source, who had plenty to share on the subject of giving poor children free food in the holidays. He revealed to me whilst staggering back from the Blind Badger that this Government would not cow-tow to left wing do-gooders and footballers and feed the nations’ hungry young. He went on to reveal that when he was young he never went hungry as he had both a nanny and a cook, both of who’m never asked for Government hand-outs like too many people do these days. Nor did he go cap in hand when he was a member of the elite Bullingdon Club alongside his best mate Boris. “Unlike the youth of today, we stood on our own two feet… And then would fall over.” he went on to add “It was our butlers and man servants that picked us up from the gutter, not the Government or local authorities.” He also blamed the media for “cooking” up a storm to distract from Covid, which the Tories have under control. Before passing out in a hedge he told me “Never before has any ruling party done so much for the poor, for instance we made sure chip shops stayed open during lockdown because that’s all the unemployed eat!” I must say I whole heartedly agree, the poor need to take responsibility for being impoverished and stop blaming BMW and Jaguar owners. It’s not our fault you’re bad with money. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Poverty Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette