Cuddly Toy Inventor To Marry For Seventh, Or Eighth, Time

Breaking toy news just in… Local resident, 97 year old Edna Cumberbatch, is to marry husband number seven, or eight, in the new year. A very excited Edna says she has lost count of the marriages and divorces she’s had, but she still believes in love. And sex. Sprightly Edna said her new husband is 78 years her junior and doesn’t speak English, but thankfully he is very “gifted” in other areas. Mrs Cumberbatch, already a mother of 14, says she hopes to have more babies and will start trying on her wedding night. She is of course famous Worldwide as the “mother” of thousands of babies already as she’s the inventor of the Cumberbatch Dolls, which made her a multi-millionaire and quite a catch. She invented the ugly yet cuddly vegetable dolls as a present for a baby Prince Charles (who she’d noticed loved talking to veg and plants) when she was the Queen‘s Lady of The Water Closet. Many famous people own the dolls, even ex-premier Gordon Brown is said to be an ardent collector. But oddly her Grandson Benedict says he doesn’t like them much. Thankfully on the subject of the wedding he was more positive “I’m honoured to be reprising my role of page boy, for the third time, and I may even wear my old Dr Who clobber up the aisle.” Good luck with the baby making to Edna and fiance Mohammad. Christine Batley. Chief Elderly Wedding Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

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(Above) A visibly thrilled Benjamin Cumberbatch cuddles two of his Gran’s dolls

Mrs Princess Middleton To Vote Labour At Local Hospital

Water-breakage news just in… It is with a joyous heart that I can report that this morning, at 7.45 local time, the Duke and Duchess of Middleton booked into Beckworth General Hospital as Mrs Kate has gone into labour. A hospital source said Princess Middleton‘s waters had broken on a visit to Lidl and she looked radiant as her husband Prince William had porters transport them both on trolleys to the newly cleaned maternity wing. Members of the Royal family and parliament are expected to attend the birth and have already started arriving. Many, like the Queen and Duke Phillip of Greece, have come on horse back. According to tradition all members of court will be present at the birth of the future Prince/Princess and portaloos have been installed in the hospital car park so the VIPs have somewhere to rest between contractions. Kate and Williams’ favourite entertainers Michael Mcintyre and Lenny Henry are said to be unavailable to perform as court jesters and so Jo brand has been drafted in at the last moment. As is customary at state occasions Sue Perkins and David Mitchell will be on hand to add extra gravitas and ensure blanket media coverage, with Mrs Kate’s Uncle Boris Johnson installed at the foot of the bed to keep the world posted on twitter, contraction by contraction. And for those of you who prefer your graphic details in more than 140 characters I will keep you informed about the birth utilising the many “spies” I have at Princess Middleton’s bedside in the hospital. Christine Batley. Chief Royal Baby No2 Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

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(Above) Funny Jo Brand knitting baby booties whilst telling jokes to the Royal couple

Local Residents Honoured In New Years Honours

Breaking Royal news just in… The Queen has just announced in a tweet that a number of Beckworth’s residents are to be honoured in the coming year. Local school dinner lady Victoria Wood is to be made a CBE for her services to school dinners and for tirelessly campaigning to reintroduce fried-food to children’s diets, lifelong Labour party member Reg Peshawar is to made an MBE, arms dealing multi-billionaire and disgraced ex-Conservative MP Timothy Leamington-Spa is to be made a life peer, Conservative donors Hilary Chelsea-Bridge, Lloyd Hedge-Fund, and Felicity Mikhaylov all receive well earned OBEs and local Liberal Democrat councillor Tiffanie Alcester is to be given a book-token for her services to Nick Clegg. I’ll keep you posted if i get more news… Happy New Year Christine Batley. Chief Honours For Sale Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

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(Above) Local CBE winning dinner lady Victoria Wood earlier today

Christmas Eve Midnight Mass

Dear flock. Just to remind you that tomorrow night’s Midnight Mass will be starting at the slightly earlier time of 8.45pm and finishing by 10.15 so I can get home to watch the Mrs Brown’s Boys Christmas Special. Thank God that this year the council’s health & safety department have seen sense, and bowed to government pressure, over-turning their previous ruling that Christmas Eve Midnight Mass could only commence in daylight hours. Sadly church warden Noddy Holder is still off work due to suffering a frozen-shoulder but his “Slade Carol Singers” will be led on guitar by The Queen‘s own Brian May. He will also host a “Karaoke With Jesus & Mince Pies” session in the crypt on Christmas Day morning, which sounds like it will be a wonderful experience to behold. Have a wonderful Christmas and look forward to seeing you all tomorrow.

May your God be with you, Cyril Knutsford. Vicar. Beckworth St Faiths

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(Above) Guitar legend Brian May, pictured earlier today whilst out shopping, will be playing at midnight mass

Real Life Dr Dolittle Dies

Hello. Sad news just in… Beckworth’s very own “celebrity” vet Dr Hilary Oxford OBE passed away in his sleep last night after a short illness. Mr Oxford, known to many as Dr Dolittle due to his (alleged) ability to speak many animal languages died at his home surgery surrounded by friends, family and his beloved animals. Due to having taken a doctor’s hypocritical oath he wasn’t allowed to discuss his patients cases and so spoke little of his linguistic abilities, apart from to friends down the pub and a national newspaper who paid for the stories. The doctor gained notoriety back in the 1970s when he was caught by Police trying to “chat up” a lady donkey, but the court found him “to be totally” nuts after he claimed “she” was his fiance. He was let off with a caution and thankfully allowed to return to being a vet. Unfortunately Mr Oxford never did marry, though said he had was never lacking (four-legged) female attention. In a long career helping animals meet their maker he is probably best remembered for accidentally putting down the Blue Peter dog Shep and for running over The Queen‘s favourite corgi whilst visiting Windsor. Less well known is that whilst at veterinary school in the 1930s Hilary invented Lego-like building blocks for dogs and cats, and was still trying to find a manufacturer at the time of his death. He will be sorely missed by all animal lovers. Christine Batley. Chief Veterinary Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

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(Above) Mr Oxford’s ex-fiance Ruby hears the news of his death earlier today

Waxwork Museum Set To Open Later This Year

Great news for those of you already planning Christmas, unemployed taxidermist and amateur wax “sculptor” Neville Preston-Tussaud hopes to open Beckworth’s most exciting indoor tourist attraction by December. Taking inspiration from his Great Great Grandma, Mrs Madam Tussaud, Neville is to open a small waxworks museum in the garage next to his house and in his garden shed. He hopes to have at least 12 celebrity effigies on show and has already got Harry from One Direction and Prince William finished, with a half size Miley Cyrus currently in progress. As soon as I know more about the museum opening I will let you know. Thanks Natalie Clifton. Tourist Information.

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(Above) Harry and William are bound to be star attractions when the waxworks opens

SCABs Take Centre Place In Queen’s Speech

Hello everyone. I’m not usually one to give myself a pat on the back, but this week I think I deserve one. All because her majesty HM The Queen has picked up a baton I created this time last year. I am talking about SCABs (Senior Citizens Against Bags) which, through bring and buy sales, sponsored fasts and occasional publicity stunts created such a ground swell of support that the Queen herself has told her Government to ban shopping bags. The World over! So what a roaring success for “grey power”.

I will continue to accept cash donations as shopping bags won’t be banned for a year or two and there’s probably still work to do. Thank you, Ray Eastleigh

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(Above) Beckworth’s very own Prince Philip can hardly contain his delight on hearing that bags are to banned the world over

Salvation With The Post

Hello all. The Salvation Army today chose Beckworth to launch it’s new national postal service, SalvationMail, with an early morning press conference. The recently appointed head of Salvation Army marketing, Colin Bradford-Bingly, was quoted as saying “Since joining the SA from the Nuclear Industry i’ve been looking to extend the cherished Salvation brand beyond just being an army.” He continued “I’m proud to say the SA was ahead of the curve launching “chuggers”, we were the first charity with a uniform and nice hats and the first to saturate the brass band market… So the marketing team have been “blue sking” and “mind mapping” and came up with idea of launching The Salvation Air Force. Unfortunately the planes cost far too much… even the grounded ones. During a team “brain-storm” it dawned us that if we got some cheap boats it would be a a safe bet to launch The Salvation Navy. But we got into a hoohah with the RNLI over preaching to people in difficulties at sea, so that’s on the back burner for the time being.” He then added “But the recent privatisation of Royal Mail handed us a golden opportunity. The SalvationMail can deliver post at a competitive cost and spread the word of our Lord door to door at the same time. It’s a win-win situation” When asked why Beckworth was chosen for the launch Colin B-B replied “it has great road, rail and footpath connections, a lot of people looking for salvation with their mail… and besides which I live in the town so I didn’t have far to go to get to the press launch” The Salvation Mail will have it’s own stamps, with Jesus on instead of the Queen, and hopes to have it’s own letterboxes and post offices  soon “We’re starting small but are looking to rival Royal Mail within 12 months” I’ll let you know when I get more news on this enlightening story… Christine Batley. Chief God’s Own Post Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

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(Above) The world’s first SalvationMail sorting office opens in Beckworth

Funky Prince Announces One Off Gig

Hello all, i’ve been bursting to tell you all but sworn to secrecy until today because the diminutive Prince has chosen The Blind Badger to play a one off gig to launch his CD and try out his backing band. Yes, funky Royalty will be playing in our back room this Friday from 8.30. He will be playing tracks from his album “Purple Reign” which includes songs by Chas & Dave, the Beatles and Coldplay. The Prince, who likes to go incognito using the English sounding name Eddie Windsor, told me over the phone “My favourite song on the album is a cover of my namesake Prince’s Raspberry Beret. It was seeing him on YouTube that gave me the idea of launching a singing career. I’d been looking for a goal in life for sometime and singing and dancing fitted the bill. Mama says I was born to perform and I haven’t found a macho role like the one’s my brothers have created for themselves… Andrew likes to fly helicoptors, Charles talks to trees and Anne is very close to his horses” So come and give your support to Prince Eddie as he tread the boards for the first time this Friday. Tickets are a steal at £12 and as an added incentive out-of-date Twigletts are half price. Resident DJ Diddy David Dimbleby will be spinning the tunes at his late night disco, so see you there. Cindy Carmarthen, Bar Manager, The Blind Badger Pub & Venue

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(Above) Prince Edward “rock’s out” during rehearsals in a pretend forest earlier today

Professor Cox’s Did You Know This: Royal Food

Hello all, I’m being paid a vast amount to use my immense knowledge of the universe to improve the educational value of this website. I will be posting regular facts in between filming science stuff for the telly and doing gigs with my reformed band Tears For Fears. This Information is bound to astound and amaze you. And from time to time, as an added bonus for my fans, I will also post photos of myself for you to download.

So my first big “Cox” fact is: Everyone knows that Royalty has invented many lovely, simple recipes over the years. For instance the Queen made Coronation Chicken sandwiches to celebrate her Jubilee in 1953, her mother, Queen Victoria, invented the Victoria sponge to acknowledge the abolition of slavery and her sister Margaret came up with sherry trifle because she loved alcohol.

But did you know that our Queen’s Uncle, Lord Mountbatten, was the inventor of a rather delicious staple of afternoon tea? I’m talking about the bright yellow and pink cake called Battenburg. So how did Mr Mounbatten come to bake such an innovatively hued sweet dessert I hear you ask? Well, its a long story set in the 1890s that i will outline here:

A young Terry Mounbatten was captain of the steam ship HMS Lard, sailing the South China seas delivering his precious cargo of butter, sugar, eggs, flour, vanilla essense, marzipan and two types of food colouring to the East India Company. When all of a sudden, like a scene out of that film Titanic, the small orphaned, rag wearing, dirty cockney cabin boy on look-out in the crows nest, shouted out loudly in his cockney accent “Ice Berg ahead captain.” There wasn’t a moment to waste, and even though Mountbatten was at the time enjoying a well-earned relaxing bubblebath with his first mate, he rose, towel-dried, donned his best sailor outfit and put all his boy-scout training to good use. For even though the ship was perillessly close to the berg, about two and a half nautical miles to be precise, Terry managed to steer a safe course past the looming ice thingy. Hurrah shouted his men, we need to celebrate with a feast. But what on earth can I make that suitably extols our near death experience thought Mounty? Then he remembered the cargo in the hold. Surely the East India Company wouldn’t deny him using about 175g of the ingredients to bake a celebratery dish? As he had no mobile phone he couldn’t ask permission, so being a brave man he took matters into his own hands and went ahead with the bake regardless. As history attests the dessert was so so delicious that news of Lord Mountbatten’s “We Didn’t Hit An Iceberg” Cake spread the globe and before you could say “He bakes exceedingly good cakes” a Coventry-based baker, Mr Boris Kipling, had bought the recipe.

But Kipling found had a big problem with his new cake. For the name was impossible to fit onto his small boxes. But not to be outfoxed the wiley baker abbreviated the name, at first to Mounbatten’s Hit Cake, and then after extensive market research (he asked Mrs Kipling her opinion) to the Battenberg name we know and enjoy today. So there you are, my first Did You Know This fact! Well, i’m off to indulge in some cake myself before I have to appear on stage with my band. See you soon, Prof Brian Cox.

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