Votey McVote Farce

Exclusive breaking Brexit news just in… As luck would have it today I managed to get my nails done at the new nail bar on the high street (co-owned by Strictly Bake Off’s very own Sandy Toksvig and her younger brother Randy) and as I was coming out admiring my new talons I literally bumped into a very well-lubricated Stephen Tooting-Broadway, Beckworth’s Conservative MP. He was briskly exiting his second home, the betting shop on the high street, puffing distractedly on a cheroot whilst swearing loudly to himself… I can’t repeat what he said but it was very graphic and gynaecological… Anyhoo, in an exclusive interview, there and then, Mr Tooting-Broadway told me how this country was going to the dogs and how his close friend, Boris Johnson our beloved and honest PM, was the only person in Parliament standing up for the intelligent rich (and the fact they voted in droves to leave the despised despots in Europe and MPs are blocking this) … Nothing exclusive about that you may say, but he went on to say that MPs of all persuasions, leavers, remainers and can’t be arsed, are making their own post-Brexit plans… many are stock-piling drink, cigarettes, take-away menus and loo roll whilst others have bought fake passports or joined the Lib Dems. They believe that if we don’t Brexit at the end of October the great british Daily Mail & Sun reading public will riot, lock the selfish MPs in the Houses Of Parliament and probably do a Guy Fawkes… He was deadly serious and red faced as he slurred his words to me, and told me he was refusing to set foot back in Parliament until the whole ruddy farce was over. After belching very loudly he added he didn’t become a member of parliament to become burnt toast, not when he could safely perform his duty (and get paid handsomely for it) from the safe distance of a Beckworth pub…  Whilst I partook of a second Marlborough Light and he swigged on an Aldi multipack “alcopop” Stephen let slip most enlightening information that he may not have meant to; divulging that his good friend Donald Trump has offered troops to quell any disquiet in exchange for the UK becoming the 51st, or 52nd, state in the Union. At this point Mr Tooting-Broadway broke away from me and relieved himself up against a postbox. I would have dearly loved to find out more but he’d splashed my Manolos. So I briskly returned to the office to sponge off the odorous p*** and of course, because of my dedication, type up this exclusive Brexit expose for you dear reader…. I say good luck to the Prime Minister in getting us out of the corrupt sess pool that is Europe. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Unbiased Brexit Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

The Votes Are Counted, The Results Are In…

And the breaking referendum news is… Beckworth has voted by an allegedly massive landslide majority for Brexit. Those wanting to leave the safety and prosperity of the EU got 49.5% of the votes against 48.5% for Remain, who we all assumed would romp home and even organised an all night party for. It was a sober gathering by the early hours, made worse by the noisy Brexit party next door where Nigel Farage and his brothers Neville and Arthur were DJing and loudly chatting up young ladies. Just 0.5% of the town voted for Bremain, a local “compromise” alternative, who campaigned on the promise they would “leave the EU” whilst actually lying to the population of this country and staying in for their own good “as the citizens of the UK can’t be trusted to vote the right way”. The poor Liberal Democrats also only polled 0.5%, which for them is rather good, especially as they weren’t officially on the ballot paper. One Brexit voter told me this morning, as they were raising the union jack over their shed, “We’ve given Cameron and his London hipsters a bloody nose they’ll not forget… Now it’s back to the task of rebuilding our once mighty Empire without the interference of Brussels,” another told me their only regret is “that Ciabatta and Virgin Olive Oil may now be in short supply.” Capturing the mood of Remain voters one told me as she was getting out of her Bentley “it’s the UK MEP‘s I feel sorry for, as they will be “out of a job at a time when there are so few opportunities for washed up politicians.” Personally my heart goes out to all the heads of industry and bankers who’d helped to make the union what it was. Christine Batley. Chief “OMG, Now I’m Really Buggered And Can’t Retire To Spain” Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

Beckworth_Ballot Box

(Above) Beckworth’s expectant looking ballot box earlier yesterday