Hello to my Coxettes, it’s your gorgeous, adored Prof Brian Cox here, and if i’m honest at this moment in time i’m slightly anxious & distracted. But not sweating like common folk…. Why? Because i’m writing this (due to contractual obligations) in a taxi as it wings its way to Heathrow Airport so I can catch a flight off to sunnier climbs. Anyway, i’ve been inundated with tens of emails, perfumed-notelets and text messages, which I was hoping wouldn’t need answering. But i’m told they do or else I wont get paid! And even a megastar scientist and TV icon with beautiful hair and teeth needs paying. Keeping on top of my youthful looks doesn’t come cheap I can tell you… Anyway i’m digressing as I’m driven past my favourite hair gel emporium, Harrods…. You’ve been asking in your droves the same question; “What is the Autumn Equinox, and why do we bother having one as no-one apart from scientists know what it is?” Ok i’ll get this done as quick as possible and apologies for any speling misbakes (the road is rather bumby)… The reason we have Autumn Equinox every year, around late September, is all to do with cavemen and horses… The name equinox is latin, or greek, or perhaps french, for horny horse and legend has it that the Autumn Equinox celebrates a day when horses with horns were first seen frolicking amongst the fallen leaves whilst our cave dwelling forebears searched for conkers. It is said that our ancient hirsute ancestors quickly invented bows and arrows and hunted and ate these horned horses (sometimes called Unicorns) to extinction… So there you have it, if we hadn’t rid the World of these horses we wouldn’t be celebrating now. Or have my little pony. Anyway I must dash off as i’m fast approaching terminal five and can see my holiday chums, Joey Essex, Michael & Tina McIntyre OBE and Carol Vorderman waving to me…. See you soon, and keep the faith (by buying some of my merchandise). Ta ta, Prof Brian Cox.
Hello. Who could have imagined that finding the remains of King Richard lll in a car park would ignite the whole country’s interest in archeology and parking bays. Digging up similar sites in search of buried monarchs has become the favoured past time of the dirty unemployed, but until now such digs have only led to prosecutions, for trespass and willful damage, with no dead bodies being found. That was until a few weeks ago when a local amateur “TimeTeam” took it upon themselves to start digging in Beckworth’s multi-storey car park. Much to everyone’s surprise on day six of the dig, just after team leader Vernon Kay‘s run in with Police over his use of abusive language, a body was found just beneath the surface of floor 3 near the lifts. The body was carefully exhumed using a JCB digger and a wheel barrow and taken to a posh university in Oxford or Cambridge or somewhere like that for tests. When the results came back this week everyone was astonished. The skeleton was found to be that of a 3’7″ tall female, who had died of flatulence at the age of 19, and is almost certainly that of King Henry Vlll. Henry is known, through court records, to have been a keen cross dresser and amateur ballet dancer, but it now appears that he was in fact a she. Because being a Queen in the 1600′s was frowned upon experts believe she took the name Henry and lived life as a bloke, with no one ever knowing until now (apart from his “wives” who he conveniently found ways of silencing). The head of the Church of England, Archbishop Desmond Tutu, was quoted as saying “God knows who we’ve got buried in Henry’s grave in Westminster Cathedral” before adding “we’ll probably have to dig it up and dump this ruddy interloper’s body somewhere else to make room for the real King… it’s going to be a major headache and ruin the polished stone floor.” So what a discovery on our doorstep, and it confirms historian Tony Robinson‘s belief that car parks were our ancestors favoured burial site for their Kings (and Queens). Channel Five are now planning a Joey Essex hosted documentary to be shown on Christmas Day. Christine Batley. Chief Dead Monarch Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian
(Above) The scientist’s facial reconstruction of King Henry III brings the monarch back to life and will be exhibited in the library near the broken water-fountain