Dear all, following a week of anti-immigration, so called right-wing rioting, across the UK,
dim-witted council estate dwelling locals have sadly followed suit here in our lovely town. Details are scant as the riot occurred when most decent people were watching the Olympics last night (the Olympics are wonderful aren’t they… although i’m unsure of Claire Baldings choice of outfits).

A Police source has told me the riot happened yesterday evening, as the sun was painting the sky with a perfect sunset (my source is an amateur poet), outside the local Travelodge. Local idiots had believed the downmarket hotel housed immigrants and so stood outside shouting “p****s go home” and throwing empty beer cans. It in fact houses no one as it’s been condemned, but that’s another (very boring) story. Seven or eight rioters were arrested and will appear in court next week. Probably.

I say lock them up, throw away the key and stop their benefits.

I’ll keep you you posted

Christine Batley

Hello, Beckworth has entered the record books for the most voting recounts in a General Election. We recounted 136 times and sadly still we got a Labour majority. We, locals with  sense and SUVs, had hoped that if our beloved Tory Mp wasn’t back voted in we’d at least get Farage’s lot… But no we’ve got a looney left MP… So there goes the neighbourhood

HRH news just in… Prince Harold and his wife (who’s name escapes me) have been spotted looking in Beckworth estate agents windows searching for a 3 bed semi. The couple and their two children have been given a month’s notice to vacate their run-down drafty cottage by disgruntled landlord, King Charles (the monarch, not a spaniel)…  I’ll keep you posted, but hopefully we’ll have Royals living amongst us soon, Christine Batley. Deputy Chief disgraced Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

(Above) The prince trying to flog his memoir, which incorporates tips on looking “hard”
called Stare