Author Archives: a resident of Beckworth

Visit Santa’s Socially Distanced Winter Wonderland

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After a few years away (at her Majesty’s pleasure) I am pleased to announce the opening of the first Santa’sWonderfulWonderLand in a few years… Just in time for Christmas. We have made a bit of an effort to follow Covid guidelines, but to be honest we didn’t really understand them so did the same as usual. To pull in the crowds of covidiots we’ve dusted off our all old rides including the UK’s only pedal-powered ferris wheel (which made the news last outing as it kept stopping! Still any publicity is good in my book) and our famed boat-ride through the manmade water-filled caves and drainage pipes. No trip would be the same without paying a bit extra to queue for the outdoor Santas Grotto, where you can wave at Father Christmas from a safe distance. Sadly we’ve had to close the reindeer riding arena (for under fives only) as all the reindeer died and our Frozen 2 themed (unheated) cafe will be selling frozen food as take-out. We’ll also be selling alcohol from under the counter, password is “I wanna get pissed”. We tried to spray the whole place with fake snow (tiny polystyrene balls) but they’ve all blown away, so don’t expect the place to look festive. I’ve re-employed co-manager Robin Thicke, he reckons this Christmas & Frozen themed park is one of the best he’s ever worked at, and he’s been to quite a few between singing gigs at holiday camps. So come and celebrate Christmas this week and forget about Covid for a few days. Yours Dick Van Preston. Manager. Santa’sWonderfulWonderLand.

Local Celeb Defends Hosting Party During Lockdown

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Breaking “celebs in lockdown” news just in… I’m so please to be announcing some happy news during these dismal pandemic times. It’s so tiresome reporting on people being ill or shops going out of business. Stop moaning! Anyway, back to the good news. This weekend just gone, a local celebrity (who wants to remain anonymous) was very resourceful and rented the (currently closed) Bamboo Caravan to host her own 30th birthday. The star invited at least 30 friends along and by all accounts it was the tonic all the celebs needed as they were growing tired of just tweeting fans. To be honest the whole town could hear the party as it was so loud, but when its famous people you don’t complain do you? Whilst clearing up the mess on Sunday morning restaurant manager Alan Ip told me he was grateful for the income and the guests were very drunk and didn’t break much. They needed a new toilet and kitchen anyway… After a little persuasion he told me who the celeb was, so I rang her immediately (I have many celebs on speed dial). She was very sweet, and has offered to pay her own small fine although no one official has asked her to (she’s so generous). She went on to say “It’s not every day you’re 30, and I thought we’ve found a cure for Covid so a party would be a great way to celebrate.” She went on to add “Anyway, It has been scientifically proven that celebs, like all rich people, are cleaner and healthier than the general public and can’t get Covid. So we’re safe to have parties, go out to dinner or fly around the World without the need to quarantine.” She’s so right. Mr Ip did tell me the Police were called by nosey jealous neighbours, but declined to close down the party or issue any fines as they were asked to stay and eat with the guests. Which they did. Well done to the boys (and girls) in blue. A police spokesperson declined to comment, but off the record did say the buffet was amazing, probably came from M&S, or Asda. Anyway, I applaud any rich people doing their bit to help local businesses such as the Bamboo Caravan through these difficult times. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Celebrity Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette