Breaking Corona Virus news just in… Local supermarket Sainsco has today, like many food retailers, taken the drastic step of introducing rationing, but with a clever twist. I interviewed store manager Patricia Mulligan yesterday (by phone, i’m self isolating away from anyone who works with the “great unwashed”) to find out more and ask her to put some loo roll and wine aside for me. Ms Mulligan explained that rationing was in response to greedy people bulk-buying and clearing shelves as soon as stock arrived “many people have been filling their trolleys with essentials such as Jamie Oliver cookbooks and asparagus… toilet roll and bottom wipes are the first to go… I’ve heard that many customers believe the virus will leave them stuck on the lav for days… pasta and rice are sold out, so are those cook-in sauces especially the italian ones… biscuits and tea, so i’m assuming people will be self isolating by having tea parties or making industrial quantities of bolognaise…” she went on (and on) to say “we’ve not had deliveries of soap, washing up liquid or birthday cards for weeks, though i’m not sure the latter has anything to do with the virus… it may be that Doreen in the cards isle has just repeatedly forgotten to order any cards” It was at this point that I managed to interrupt Patty’s “fascinating” insight into store life and ask her what rationing measures she was putting in place? It was then that she told me of the twist at her branch of Sainsco. She explained “I was watching the new TV series of Supermarket Sweep, presented by the dishy Ryan Clark- Kneels-Down, and I realised that was how we could turn a crisis into lots of fun” She went on to at last furnish me with the details “We are allowing each customer a one minute trolley dash around the store to buy as much as they can… We did a trial run with a visiting minibus of pensioners yesterday evening and it was a great success. They didn’t manage to strip any shelves bear, apart from the incontinence section.” With that I managed to get her off the phone so I could watch Ant & Dec. Anyway, it sounds like Pat’s hit on a great idea that, perhaps, many other stores should follow. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief I’m Stocking Up On Spirits & Crisps Reporter. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

(Above) Handsome Ryan Clark-Kneels-Down presenter of TV’s Supermarket Sweep

Breaking entertainment news just in…. One of Beckworth’s less well known, or funny, local impersonators (and street cleaner) has announced he is to take immediate retirement due to the untimely sad death of his hero, and subject of his entire act. Nick Parsnips says he could probably never again perform his tribute to Nicholas Parsons without crying, unless fans force him out of retirement… Which I have to say, having seen his act the last time he performed it over 15 years ago, is highly unlikely. I wish him the best in retirement, the high street will be a very slightly less tidy place without Nick smoking a “rolly” whilst leaning on his broom and shouting “i’m live from Norwich” or “you’ve got one minute to get past me without deviation” to the puzzlement of passers-by. I would like to extend my sincere condolences to Mr Parsnips’s wife for putting up with him and especially to the family of TV and radio legend Nicholas Parsons. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Sale Of The Century Reporter. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

Breaking vacuous reality TV news just in… A good-looking young billionaire toff has been unceremoniously booted off the terrible yet addictive viewing sex programme Love Island for shooting rhinos, squirrels and hippos… I kid you not, in breaks between filming him kissing and canoodling lasses from the Thames Estuary he has been out big game hunting and posting videos on tinder or grinder or wherever it is you post such guff… But good news for us is that local legend, Jack Agoogoo (Fresh from losing I’m A Celebrity) is being flown out to join the cast and no doubt prove a hit with the ladies… His sister, Nelly has just texted me that he is being paid “over fifty quid and a years worth of condoms” to go on it. She added she’d asked if she could also go on it, but sadly there weren’t any other vacancies. Bad luck Nelly, Good luck to Jack. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Reality TV Reporter. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

Exclusive breaking Royal news just in… Today a nervous Prince William joined his brother Harry, his Dad Charles, and beloved ancient Grandma (The Queen) in “crisis” talks to iron out details of how he and his American wife Meghan Markle could stop being Royalists and become parliamentarians or nationalists or something… The talks took place away from the glare of the tabloid media at the Queens holiday home in Slocombe (“Randy Bulls” static caravan park) and were said to have gone “well” despite Mrs Markle failing to get through on the phone… But i’ve been in contact with a close friend of one of Randy Bull’s security guards who said the outcome may have been cordial but there was lots of screaming, crying, fists thumping during the talks… Then they found out that was just Prince Philip trying to get into the Queens caravan. The security guard, who was listening at a window, says Mr & Mrs Markle demands include wanting to be able to market being “ex” Royals to make lots of cash, as they “want to out Beckham the Beckhams”… The ex-Prince is hoping to launch his own brand of of male grooming products (and wants to take style tips from Mr Beckham, such as getting tattoos and wearing vests), and Mrs Meg wants to get business advice from Victoria so she can launch a jewellery brand, Markle’s Royal Sparkles, to sell fake crowns, orbs and tiaras, etc. I wish Mr & Mrs Markle good luck and every success, especially with the cheap jewellery. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Royal Retirement Reporter. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

Exclusive breaking Royal news just in… Today everyone woke up to the sad news that Prince William and his wife Meghan Markle are to step down from Royal duties and become just plain Mr & Mrs, but i’ve been in close contact with a close friend of Meghans to dig deeper and find the truth behind the headlines… Mrs Markle’s confidant let me know the real reason they want to retire early and move to the USA when I was promised to keep the truth secret. But being an investigative journalist means I must betray their trust and let my dear readers know the truth. Especially as the real reason is so banal. Megan’s lady-in-waiting said that whilst Mrs Markle wants to spend time with her baby son George not working for the rest of life is primarily so she can spend time with her Mum when her Mum retires in the next few months. Her mum, German President Angela Merkel, has always been very close to her daughter and Mrs Angula is said to consider son-in-law Prince William as her own flesh and blood, especially as he’s of German descent. Therefore he’s happy to get learn a trade and get a “normal job”, perhaps plumbing as he loves pipes, to support his new extended family. It is said that William’s Dad Prince Charles is livid as he’d always hoped his son would become a gardener like himself. I personally wish Mr & Mrs Markle good luck and a happy life together. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Royal Retirement Reporter. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

Latest Political Fall Out…. Yes Labour has announced that they lost votes not because Corbyn was a frail leader or that many of its supporters wanted to leave the EU, but because the BBC were bullies and always slagged off left wing nutters within the party… Meanwhile the pathetic Lib Dems blame Labour for losing (work that one out), the Brexit party blame a poor turn out on Amazon Prime showing a Grand Tour special on Thursday evening keeping its supporters from voting and the Conservatives believe Channel 4′s attractive ice sculpture got them elected, but they still want to close it down… And the BBC… And ITV…

Breaking jungle based reality TV news literally just in as it happens… If you’re watching I’m A Celebrity live like me you will know that local celebrity Jack Agoogoo has come second as we saw Eastenders‘ Peggy Mitchell (Actress Jackie Tossa) crowned Queen of The Jungle. Some would say she is a worthy winner but not all. Jack’s sister Nelly has just texted me from Australia “the smug cockney cow better keep out my way as I had bet a weeks wages on Jack winning.” Before adding “He was f****ing robbed and I want a recount” If there is a recount i’ll let you know, but congratulations to Jack anyway. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Celebrity Reporter. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

Breaking jungle based reality TV news literally just in… If you’re watching I’m A Celebrity live like me you will know that local celebrity and Kajagoogo tribute act Jack Agoogoo is in the last three in camp and is rightfully the bookies favourite to win tonight (so keep voting). He has just smashed the bushtucker trial tucking into platefuls of cock, ball, fannies, anusses and appearing to enjoy every hairy mouthful… I can’t see him losing, the man is a total legend as i believe younger readers would say! Only half an hour left until we see him crowned King of The Jungle. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Celebrity Reporter. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette

Breaking jungle based reality TV news just in… If you’ve been watching I’m A Celebrity you’ll know that our very own local celebrity, Jack Agoogoo has been working his “magic” on the ever so dull reality show by offering back rubs and happy endings to the lady contestants… And in an exclusive smutty text message to yours truly (from a sneaked in mobile) Jack told me he believes he’s on course to go all the way on the show… I thought he meant he liked his chances of winning the show but when he texted back he said he meant getting his wicked way with some of “the birds” on the show… Before adding even the lesbian one! Good luck to Jack, he certainly puts the reality into reality TV! If he does raise a jungle fever i’ll let you know. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Celebrity Reporter. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette