Tour De Beckworth Success

Hello all. Just a quick thank you for all your support yesterday and especially to those of you who volunteered to mend punctures, hand out drinks and give directions to the cycle racers. It was a real shame that so many of the Tour De France competitors got lost due to the last minute Beckworth detour but they took it with great Gallic humour. So many of the racers enjoyed an unscheduled lunch pit stop at the Blind Beggar pub that it had a lock-in (and i’m told a few of the cyclists are still in there enjoying the local ale and our great British jukebox). Thanks Clifford Pinner. Tour De France Steering Committee Chairperson and Senior Route Advisor, Beckworth and Slocombe Division

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(Above) Tour De France cyclists taking the scenic route

Beckworth’s Tour De France

Hello. Just an excited reminder that many roads will be closed tomorrow as we welcome the Worlds’ most famous french cycling race through the heart of our town. I am of course talking about Le Tour De France (The Tour Of France). It is bound to cause traffic mayhem and shop closures but will be worth it to see half a dozen or so of the best French cyclists come pootling through our streets followed by some motorbikes and Citroen cars with bikes on their roofs. So please bare in mind if you fancy going anywhere in Beckworth tomorrow you won’t be able to, except on foot, or preferably pedal bike. Yours Clifford Pinner. Tour De France Steering Committee Chairperson and Senior Route Advisor, Beckworth and Slocombe Division

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(Above) An artists impression of the Tour De France racing through Beckworth

Rare Snail Spotted By Roundabout

Hello Beckworth. Just to let you know that the town has been blessed with a visitation by a very rare mollusc, the Common Shelless Snail (Latin: Communus Snailius With No Shellius). We’ve had a few wonderful sightings of the shy, 6cm long “naked” snails in the past couple of days, mainly around the A324 roundabout near McDonalds, and we are currently feeding the gastropods and helping them across the busy road junction, with the hope that Lord David Attenborough will come down with his film crew to make an award-winning documentary. The snail has become extinct in many parts of Europe, as they are thought a delicacy and are easier to eat by virtue of being shell-less, and are extremely rare in this country due to the fact they prefer to live by the road side and get squashed by careless motorists. So we are a very lucky town to have them visit. Yours, Clifford PinnerBeckworth_ShellLess_Snail

(Above) The very rare Communus Snailius With No Shellius avoiding traffic earlier today

Plastic Cutlery Amnesty

Dear all. As you may be aware, one of Mother Earth’s scarcest resources, namely plastic cutlery, is now in very short supply. It is feared that without taking drastic action now we may ultimately face a future without disposable tableware. “Customers come to my restaurants expecting the finest throw-away spoons, forks and knives” says chef Gordon Ramsey “They f****** love ‘em! But soon I’ll have to stop giving them away as they’re getting more expensive than the f****** ingredients in my food.” To try and save our beloved cutlery the World’s Eco Emporiums and Health Food Shops (such as mine) are uniting and holding a month long Plastic Cutlery Amnesty. Campaign spokesperson Russell Brand says “If you, or someone you know, has such used or unused cutlery you can anonymously drop it into a designated bin no questions asked. So clear out your drawers and handbags. Just imagine, together we can save these beautiful man-made utensils from extinction and continue to harvest this precious commodity for generations to come.” Well said Mr Brand. Clifford Pinner

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(Above) Without your help this increasingly sought after cutlery will be lost forever

Mummer’s Pride

Hello. Just to remind all readers that tomorrow is the summer solstice, the day when for centuries the good folk of Beckworth have gathered at the Hammerite stones for all-day celebrations, from before dawn until past sunset. It’s a wonderful, historical day for all ages, the schools will shut so children can attend and the old folks home is bussing residents down for the occasion. Highlights will include the druids dancing naked through the stones to invoke the sun to rise (and again at dusk to get it to set), animal sacrifice, the Beckworth Bothamers performing morris dances and skinny dipping in the river. This year also sees a revival of the mid-morning “marriage” of Beckworth’s Maiden In White to the Old Slocombe Codger (banned in the 17th century after all the town’s unmarried maidens fell pregnant) and in the evening the burning of a wicker effigy of the Old Dick of Beckworth. Pride of place as always goes to the mummers enacting mystery plays for 18 hours non-stop. There will be much merriment, dancing and singing, food and drink stalls, including one serving the Beckworth Devil’s Punch (alcoholic and non) made from fruits gathered at last summer solstice. Music will be performed by local naturist folk bands and we’re especially lucky this year to have local boys done good Status Quo stripping off to play at midday. For the youngest family members there will be a bouncy castle within the stone circle, pin the dress on the virgin and donkey rides. For older residents the ever popular “throw rocks at criminals in the stocks” (Prisoners courtesy of Septonville Prison) will be in place. So come to the Hammerite stones tomorrow and be at one with mother nature.

Clifford Pinner. The Beckworth Bothamers Morris Dancers

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(Above) Mummers on a recent shopping spree

Poisonous Snake Found

Dear All. Please take care and be vigilant as Beckworth may have become infested by a swarm of hostile snakes!! I have just found one in a lettuce on my allotment, and looking it up on Dr Brian Cox’s website have identified it as the world’s smallest venomous snake. To quote the keyboard-playing professor it is called “the pygmy cheese python (latin: pythonus camembert pygmius), is a native of Southern France and Belgium that likes to make it’s nest in soft cheeses, can grow to over 2″ in length and has a venom so strong it could kill two grown men with one bite, if they were stood very close to each other.” In other words handle with caution as it’s a killer! I tried to hand this one into the Police but they said they don’t deal with vermin, so i’ve put back in my neighbours vegetable patch until I can work out what to do with it. Beckworth take care. Clifford

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(Above) The Pygmy Cheese Python photographed on my allotment just before lunch

Look It’s Me… On My Old Bike

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Dear Public

I was just rifling through some drawers and came across this old photo of a young Clifford astride my trusty Raleigh bike. I rode that cycle daily for almost 20 years and went miles on it. I had many holidays on the saddle here and abroad, attended peace camps, festivals and CND rallys, all thanks to my trusty steed. I even had it when I lived on a kibbutz for a year, though the sandy roads played havoc with my chain.

I’m still a keen cyclist because, after shanks pony, it’s the greenest way to travel. Me and my lovely wife Jane have now got a tandem which we use as often as we can, though the inclement weather means we don’t do many long trips anymore.

Yours, Clifford Pinner