Plastic Cutlery Amnesty

Dear all. As you may be aware, one of Mother Earth’s scarcest resources, namely plastic cutlery, is now in very short supply. It is feared that without taking drastic action now we may ultimately face a future without disposable tableware. “Customers come to my restaurants expecting the finest throw-away spoons, forks and knives” says chef Gordon Ramsey “They f****** love ‘em! But soon I’ll have to stop giving them away as they’re getting more expensive than the f****** ingredients in my food.” To try and save our beloved cutlery the World’s Eco Emporiums and Health Food Shops (such as mine) are uniting and holding a month long Plastic Cutlery Amnesty. Campaign spokesperson Russell Brand says “If you, or someone you know, has such used or unused cutlery you can anonymously drop it into a designated bin no questions asked. So clear out your drawers and handbags. Just imagine, together we can save these beautiful man-made utensils from extinction and continue to harvest this precious commodity for generations to come.” Well said Mr Brand. Clifford Pinner

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(Above) Without your help this increasingly sought after cutlery will be lost forever

All-Star Family Fortunes’ First Night

Just to say that The Beckworth Players new musical production, All-Star Family Fortunes – The Musical has its gala opening this Friday evening at 7.30. Written by local celeb and host of TV’s real-life All-Star Family Fortunes, Vernon Kay, the 4 hour play is a lighthearted look at celebrity and maringue addiction. It’s very funny and song heavy, with many original Vernon compositions. Many local celebrities are in the all-star All-Star Family Fortunes – The Musical cast including Graham Norton as Vernon Kay, Russell Brand as Ozzy Osborne (captain of the Osborne team), and Davina McCall as Pippa Middleton’s mother (captain of the Middleton team). The play is bound to be a roaring success as it has been directed by TV hardman Ross Kemp, who has brought all his SAS skills to the job. So see you Friday at The Slocombe Garden Centre Auditorium. Chico

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(Above) The nail-biting dress rehearsal of All-Star Family Fortunes – The Musical