And Ash Wednesday. Let’s just say i’ve been rather busy…

Hello my flock. As you probably know last Saturday, or Sunday, was the Feast of St Norris, but unfortunately due to needing a well earnt lie-in nursing a sore head yours truly couldn’t hold the traditional memorial service. So we will be having the service early Thursday morning instead and all are welcome. Please remember to wear a feather in your hat in celebration of Norris. The service will reflect on his humble syphilitic life, his kind deeds to birds and tireless service to his home town of Bognor Regis, which he kept clean of guano with his bare hands. Norris died at the age of 32 after a protracted pustulous illness and was buried at the bottom of the town’s well as was customary in the 15th century. Upon hearing of his passing the pox-riddled Pope (Jeremy XI) canonised Norris as the Patron Saint of Pigeons and Guinea Fowl and declared that on 12th February “we should cast aside carnal thoughts by wearing feathers atop our sinful bodies and by clearing up bird sh*t. With our hands” The latter we will perform after we’ve had tea and biscuits post service. So Thursday morning sporting your finest plumage. God Bless You. Cyril Knutsford, Vicar, Beckworth St Faiths

Dear flock. I just wanted to wish you all a wonderful New Year, let’s pray that 2017 will be far better than 2016 and that we don’t have to wait too long for another series of Poldark (with lots more shots of that scrummy lead actor getting sweaty with his shirt off). I also wanted to pre-warn you that tomorrow mornings mass will be starting a couple of hours late (at around 11.30) as I’ll be needing a lie in due to most likely still being a teensy-weensy bit tipsy. I will be seeing the new year in at the Bishop’s party tonight and they can be a riotous affair at the best of times, so let’s hope I actually make it home in one piece! See you all tomorrow.

May your God be with you, Cyril Knutsford. Vicar. Beckworth St Faiths

Due to unforseen circumstances (some great telly programmes being on the box) tonights midnight mass will be starting at about 1am. Or a bit later if I over do the sherry and brandy snaps.

Dear flock. Just to remind you that tomorrow morning’s All Hallows (All Saints) Day service will be starting slightly later than usual at (11.15am) as I am getting my first tatoo inked first thing. I’ve drawn it myself and i’m pretty chuffed with it, even the bishop approves (it’s of the Marks & Spencer’s St Michael’s logo, so it combines my love of M&S pants and of the real Saint St Michael).

As for the service, please gather outside the church at 11.10 and we will all skip into the church singing When The Saints Go Marching In and as usual we hope to be accompanied by the local prison brass band (if they don’t all try to escape as they have in the past). Please remember to come to the service dressed as your favourite saint  and carry a carved-out tomato as a lantern (for this is the ancient Christian tradition on All Hallows before everyone turned to pumpkins). See you all tomorrow.

May your God be with you, Cyril Knutsford. Vicar. Beckworth St Faiths

(Above) The inspiration for the vicar’s religious tatoo

Dear flock. Just to remind you that this evening’s Harvest Festival service will be starting at 5pm and finishing promptly at 6.30 so I can get home to watch both Strictly Come Dancing and the Antiques Roadshow before rushing off to the airport. As the parish magazine noted the service was brought forward by a week or two so I can accept the Bishop’s offer of a free two-week holiday with him and his male chums on the tropical island of Ibiza. I can’t wait…. But please be warned, if you should stupidly turn up after the service has ended and find the church locked please leave your harvest gifts in the church porch and i’ll sort out when I get back from holiday. If you’ve got frozen goods, such as steaks, thin-crust pizzas and ice cream, please take the items in a cool-bag to round to the verger’s house. I’d like to wish you all a wonderful Harvest, especially you farmers and grocers, and i’ll see you all later today.

May your God be with you, Cyril Knutsford. Vicar. Beckworth St Faiths

(Above) Popular harvest festival items wanted by the church

Hello my flock. May I please remind you all that tomorrow is Saint Struttock’s day and as he’s one of our parish saints we will be spending 24 hours in adherence of his Will. His last wish as he coughed his final saintly breath was: “That all my followers must crawl around on all fours, whilst reciting the Struttock Psalm, on the anniversary of my death. Unless it falls on a weekend.” Please join us in our marathon display of devotion as we scuttle around the church repeatedly shouting his psalm “Struttock, Dear Struttock. May The Lord Strike Me Down, If I Ever Sit On My Buttocks.” As you know, local window-cleaner and 4th century Saint, Adrian Theodore De Struttock (to give him his full name) is the patron saint of knees and kneeling and lived his entire life with his hands and knees permanently on the ground. He is also acknowledged as the inventor of arthritis and hassocks. And some claim he was the world’s first wearer of long trousers. The day long adherence begins at midnight tonight and I trust we will see you ALL of the church then. May God and Saint Struttock Bless You All. Cyril Knutsford, Vicar, Beckworth St Faiths

(Above) A hassock pictured earlier today (a stuffed-cushion for kneeling, invented by St Struttock many years ago)

Hello my flock. I trust you are enjoying the hot weather and preparing yourselves for Eurovision. I myself will be attending a “Eurotrash” party this evening hosted by the Bishop, which is why i am posting this message. As the Bishop’s parties can be a tad raucous and much deprived merryment will be had into the wee small hours, tomorrow morning’s Whit Sunday service will be starting a little later than usual. So please mark your calendars with the slightly later time of 3.45pm. That way I will have time to sober up. Also, please remember as it’s the Whit service to wear all white (including your undergarments and shoes). I trust I will see you at ALL at church tomorrow, looking like radient angels. God Bless You All. Cyril Knutsford, Vicar, Beckworth St Faiths

(Above) An artist’s impression of tonight’s Bishop’s Eurotrash” party