Hello my flock. What a busy week i’m having, but as they say there’s no rest for the wicked! Today Church Warden Noddy Holder and I are hoovering up the mountains of ash from yesterday’s service and then decorating the vestry with dead birds in readiness of tomorrow’s Feast of St Norris. We will be holding a memorial service at 11ish, and all religious denominations are welcome as St Norris is venerated by many faiths. Please remember to wear a feather in your hat to celebrate his kind deeds to birds and his invention of the carrier pigeon back in the 15th century. In his honour, after the service, we will heed the words of the pox-riddled Pope Jeremy XI (who canonised Norris as the Patron Saint of Pigeons and Guinea Fowl) who declared that on 12th February “we should cast aside carnal thoughts by wearing feathers atop our sinful bodies and by clearing up bird sh*t. With our hands” So see you tomorrow morning sporting your finest plumage. God Bless You and Norris. Cyril Knutsford, Vicar, Beckworth St Faiths

(Above) A local resident pictured in her finest feathered “fascinator” on the way to the St Norris Day service at the church last year

Hello my flock. Just to remind you that tonight I am launching yoga classes in the church for the over 18s. I have done a few days training with a Church of England Yogi (a yoga teacher) from the mystical east, Norwich, and am now fully qualified to teach Anglican positions. So come along and sample a few key moves such as Climbing The Mount Of Olives, Picking Fruit With Adam & Eve, Clambering Aboard The Ark and then Dowsing The Burning Bush. For more advanced movers I’ll teach The Upward Star and The Downward Parting Of The Waves, the Loaves & Fishes aka The Feeding Of The 5000 and The Father, Son & Holy Ghost Salutations. Then we’ll wind down and breathe easy with the Three Wisemen, a Water Into Wine and finish off with a Comfy Crucifixion and an Amen. See you at 7 for our first class, and please wear appropriate attire, bring a yoga mat and a large bottle of water.

May your God be with you, Cyril Knutsford. Vicar. Beckworth St Faiths

(Above) The vicar of St Faith’s readying himself for teaching C of E yoga classes

Dear flock. Just to remind you that today’s remembrance service will be at 2pm today, followed at 3.15 by a procession from the church to lay wreaths at the War Memorial. The procession will be led by myself and the regional head of scouting Sir Bob-bob-bob-dib-dib-dib Geldof leading his crack troupe of scouts, brownies and cubs.

Please join us for both the service and procession this afternoon. May your God be with you, Cyril Knutsford. Vicar. Beckworth St Faiths

(Above) Sir Bob A Job Geldof, regional scout leader

Hello my flock. I’d like to take this opportunity to wish you all a very happy Easter and to invite you to the services we are having this weekend. This evening at 7.30 will be the traditional Maundy Thursday Service. In accordance to the Holy teaching and to remember the last supper we will eat fish and chips in the pews and afterwards I will wash the feet and socks of members of the congregation. Tomorrow at 10am we will have our Good Friday service, including a blessing of baby chicks and lambs, followed by St Faith’s annual Multi Faith Good Friday Sports Day. Hosted by us every Easter to remember the time our Lord was crucified and then rolled away a stone to “rise again.” We will celebrate with all faiths, whether they believe in one God or numerous, and come together to share a love of competitive sports and finding cream-eggs hidden around the church yard. On Sunday we will have 4 Easter services, at 8am, 11am, 3pm and 6pm and Monday we will have a mass at 11am and a blind-fold egg and spoon race through the grave yard afterwards. I trust we will see you at most of the services. Happy Easter and God Bless You All. Cyril Knutsford, Vicar, Beckworth St Faiths

(Above) An artist’s impression of the inspiration behind the Maundy Thursday foot spa

Hello my flock. Tomorrow is the Feast Day of St Noah, the patron saint of water and we will be holding a memorial service in the morning at 7.15. During the mass we will be telling the story of Noah and the floods with many parishioners coming in couples and dressing up as the animals he rescued. Don’t worry if you can’t attend the wonderful aquatic service as I am asking people show their gratitude to Noah by overfilling baths and sinks, getting out hoses and water-logging gardens, blocking roadside drains, damning local rivers and streams to create mini floods all over the town and countryside. God Bless You All. Cyril Knutsford, Vicar, Beckworth St Faiths