Hello my flock. Just to remind you that, due to unforeseen circumstances, tonight’s Midnight Mass will be starting at the slightly earlier time of 4.15pm instead of 11.30pm. I’m sure you will understand that visiting sick parishioners should take precedence over late night services… but I’m glad to say I’m not visiting any today! Instead I’ll be attending the Bishops “Tarts and Vicars” party, which i’m very excited about as he’s promising a feeding of the five-thousand style buffet food and gallons of the blood of Christ he’s hoarded all year. And he’s hired a mobile disco. During todays’ festive service Church warden Noddy Holder will be leading his “Slade Singers” in the usual carols and Cliff Richard numbers, plus we’re hoping you will all bring festive fare to the church, (i.e. food, drink and lots of presents), which we will distribute to the local homeless. Or keep. Have a wonderful Christmas and look forward to seeing you all this afternoon (Don’t be late as I’ll have to finish at 5.30 prompt so I have time to get into my party costume, I’m going as a jam tart).

Seasons tidings, Rev C Knutsford

Good afternoon my flock. As you know today is one of the most important dates in the church calendar and one which I personally look forward to the whole year. For today is Palm Sunday, when our Christian family celebrates the day our Lord rode into town on a stolen donkey, just before preparing his twelve disciples a scrumptious bread and fish based brunch, no doubt washed down with lots of red vino. The Bible tells us Jesus cooked it all in palm oil, which gives today it’s name and a reason to celebrate on the last Sunday before Easter. And just like Christ and his dozen or so chums today we would usually eat fried foods off the floor together, such as bacon, black-pudding and eggs, all cooked in palm oil. I say usually because today’s Sunday service is being postponed until tomorrow evening as I’ve a dreadful hangover and the clocks changing has really thrown me out today… But at least we can now look forward to having a Palm Monday Evening Service, and who knows it may catch on! So tomorrow, from 7pm, our church warden Noddy Holder will be on cooking duty but we’re relying on you my flock to provide the grub, so raid those larders and be generous. Please join us at Christ’s home tomorrow and let us fill the pews with praise, food and lots of wine. God Bless You all. Cyril Knutsford, Vicar, Beckworth St Faiths

Good evening my flock. Easter, my second favourite Christian time of the year after Christmas (I love that best because of all the presents, food, drink and parties), is almost upon on us and as usual your local parish church will be having almost continual services in celebration, and our annual multi-faith Easter Egg hunt (on Friday if we get enough eggs donated). And i’m sorry to say I will be missing all the fun as I’m off an almost-all expenses paid trip, with the the Bishop, to Disneyland France for a whole week and we jet off tomorrow… I only found out this morning that I had come second in this years C of E’s Got Talent competition (The Bishop came first!) of which this trip was the prize. So church warden Noddy Holder has stepped up to the alter, so to speak, and will be taking all the services in my absence… I’ve roughly outlined what he should do in each service, so you’ll be in safe hands. I mean, what could go wrong? So please join him at Christ’s home this Easter, i’ll be thinking of you. God Bless You all. Cyril Knutsford, Vicar, Beckworth St Faiths

Good morning my flock. Today is a most important date in the church calendar and one which I look forward to the whole year. I am of course talking of Palm Sunday, when God’s family, close friends and aquaintances celebrate the time our Lord casually rode into town astride a dying donkey, and just before cooking his twelve disciples a light lunch invented the ultra-versatile palm oil. The Bible tells us he’d decided on a light finger buffet as he had plans to host a large more supper supper that evening…And being a very caring chap he didn’t want to spoil the appetites of his chums. Inventing the palm oil whilst making the brunch oil was soon recognised to be a miracle, for it changed how Christian’s cooked fried food forever and became an active ingredient in everything from condoms to hair gel. So the Church has for centuries given praise for the palm on the last Sunday before Easter. And just like our Lord and his chums we eat biblical fried foods off the floor together, such as bacon, black-pudding and eggs, cooked in the wonderful life-enhancing oil. Church warden Noddy Holder will be on cooking duty with his trusty frying pan so please bring your foods early to be cooked (and bring plenty of ketchup as we always run out). The service will start at 12.12pm to give me time to rid myself of a hang-over (I celebrated the last in the series of Ant & Dec’s Saturday TakeAway a little too enthusiastically last night) and must finish by 2.15pm, as I have to rush off to London to see 42nd Street at the theatre. So so please join me at Christ’s home and let us fill the pews with praise and food smells. God Bless You all. Cyril Knutsford, Vicar, Beckworth St Faiths

And Ash Wednesday. Let’s just say i’ve been rather busy…

Hello my flock. As you probably know last Saturday, or Sunday, was the Feast of St Norris, but unfortunately due to needing a well earnt lie-in nursing a sore head yours truly couldn’t hold the traditional memorial service. So we will be having the service early Thursday morning instead and all are welcome. Please remember to wear a feather in your hat in celebration of Norris. The service will reflect on his humble syphilitic life, his kind deeds to birds and tireless service to his home town of Bognor Regis, which he kept clean of guano with his bare hands. Norris died at the age of 32 after a protracted pustulous illness and was buried at the bottom of the town’s well as was customary in the 15th century. Upon hearing of his passing the pox-riddled Pope (Jeremy XI) canonised Norris as the Patron Saint of Pigeons and Guinea Fowl and declared that on 12th February “we should cast aside carnal thoughts by wearing feathers atop our sinful bodies and by clearing up bird sh*t. With our hands” The latter we will perform after we’ve had tea and biscuits post service. So Thursday morning sporting your finest plumage. God Bless You. Cyril Knutsford, Vicar, Beckworth St Faiths

Dear flock. I just wanted to wish you all a wonderful New Year, let’s pray that 2017 will be far better than 2016 and that we don’t have to wait too long for another series of Poldark (with lots more shots of that scrummy lead actor getting sweaty with his shirt off). I also wanted to pre-warn you that tomorrow mornings mass will be starting a couple of hours late (at around 11.30) as I’ll be needing a lie in due to most likely still being a teensy-weensy bit tipsy. I will be seeing the new year in at the Bishop’s party tonight and they can be a riotous affair at the best of times, so let’s hope I actually make it home in one piece! See you all tomorrow.

May your God be with you, Cyril Knutsford. Vicar. Beckworth St Faiths

Due to unforseen circumstances (some great telly programmes being on the box) tonights midnight mass will be starting at about 1am. Or a bit later if I over do the sherry and brandy snaps.

Dear flock. Just to remind you that tomorrow morning’s All Hallows (All Saints) Day service will be starting slightly later than usual at (11.15am) as I am getting my first tatoo inked first thing. I’ve drawn it myself and i’m pretty chuffed with it, even the bishop approves (it’s of the Marks & Spencer’s St Michael’s logo, so it combines my love of M&S pants and of the real Saint St Michael).

As for the service, please gather outside the church at 11.10 and we will all skip into the church singing When The Saints Go Marching In and as usual we hope to be accompanied by the local prison brass band (if they don’t all try to escape as they have in the past). Please remember to come to the service dressed as your favourite saint  and carry a carved-out tomato as a lantern (for this is the ancient Christian tradition on All Hallows before everyone turned to pumpkins). See you all tomorrow.

May your God be with you, Cyril Knutsford. Vicar. Beckworth St Faiths

(Above) The inspiration for the vicar’s religious tatoo