Dear flock. Just to remind you that this evening’s Harvest Festival service will be starting at 5pm and finishing promptly at 6.30 so I can get home to watch both Strictly Come Dancing and the Antiques Roadshow before rushing off to the airport. As the parish magazine noted the service was brought forward by a week or two so I can accept the Bishop’s offer of a free two-week holiday with him and his male chums on the tropical island of Ibiza. I can’t wait…. But please be warned, if you should stupidly turn up after the service has ended and find the church locked please leave your harvest gifts in the church porch and i’ll sort out when I get back from holiday. If you’ve got frozen goods, such as steaks, thin-crust pizzas and ice cream, please take the items in a cool-bag to round to the verger’s house. I’d like to wish you all a wonderful Harvest, especially you farmers and grocers, and i’ll see you all later today.

May your God be with you, Cyril Knutsford. Vicar. Beckworth St Faiths

(Above) Popular harvest festival items wanted by the church

Hello my flock. May I please remind you all that tomorrow is Saint Struttock’s day and as he’s one of our parish saints we will be spending 24 hours in adherence of his Will. His last wish as he coughed his final saintly breath was: “That all my followers must crawl around on all fours, whilst reciting the Struttock Psalm, on the anniversary of my death. Unless it falls on a weekend.” Please join us in our marathon display of devotion as we scuttle around the church repeatedly shouting his psalm “Struttock, Dear Struttock. May The Lord Strike Me Down, If I Ever Sit On My Buttocks.” As you know, local window-cleaner and 4th century Saint, Adrian Theodore De Struttock (to give him his full name) is the patron saint of knees and kneeling and lived his entire life with his hands and knees permanently on the ground. He is also acknowledged as the inventor of arthritis and hassocks. And some claim he was the world’s first wearer of long trousers. The day long adherence begins at midnight tonight and I trust we will see you ALL of the church then. May God and Saint Struttock Bless You All. Cyril Knutsford, Vicar, Beckworth St Faiths

(Above) A hassock pictured earlier today (a stuffed-cushion for kneeling, invented by St Struttock many years ago)

Hello my flock. I trust you are enjoying the hot weather and preparing yourselves for Eurovision. I myself will be attending a “Eurotrash” party this evening hosted by the Bishop, which is why i am posting this message. As the Bishop’s parties can be a tad raucous and much deprived merryment will be had into the wee small hours, tomorrow morning’s Whit Sunday service will be starting a little later than usual. So please mark your calendars with the slightly later time of 3.45pm. That way I will have time to sober up. Also, please remember as it’s the Whit service to wear all white (including your undergarments and shoes). I trust I will see you at ALL at church tomorrow, looking like radient angels. God Bless You All. Cyril Knutsford, Vicar, Beckworth St Faiths

(Above) An artist’s impression of tonight’s Bishop’s Eurotrash” party

Hello my flock. What a busy week i’m having, but as they say there’s no rest for the wicked! Today Church Warden Noddy Holder and I are hoovering up the mountains of ash from yesterday’s service and then decorating the vestry with dead birds in readiness of tomorrow’s Feast of St Norris. We will be holding a memorial service at 11ish, and all religious denominations are welcome as St Norris is venerated by many faiths. Please remember to wear a feather in your hat to celebrate his kind deeds to birds and his invention of the carrier pigeon back in the 15th century. In his honour, after the service, we will heed the words of the pox-riddled Pope Jeremy XI (who canonised Norris as the Patron Saint of Pigeons and Guinea Fowl) who declared that on 12th February “we should cast aside carnal thoughts by wearing feathers atop our sinful bodies and by clearing up bird sh*t. With our hands” So see you tomorrow morning sporting your finest plumage. God Bless You and Norris. Cyril Knutsford, Vicar, Beckworth St Faiths

(Above) A local resident pictured in her finest feathered “fascinator” on the way to the St Norris Day service at the church last year

Hello my flock. Just to remind you that tonight I am launching yoga classes in the church for the over 18s. I have done a few days training with a Church of England Yogi (a yoga teacher) from the mystical east, Norwich, and am now fully qualified to teach Anglican positions. So come along and sample a few key moves such as Climbing The Mount Of Olives, Picking Fruit With Adam & Eve, Clambering Aboard The Ark and then Dowsing The Burning Bush. For more advanced movers I’ll teach The Upward Star and The Downward Parting Of The Waves, the Loaves & Fishes aka The Feeding Of The 5000 and The Father, Son & Holy Ghost Salutations. Then we’ll wind down and breathe easy with the Three Wisemen, a Water Into Wine and finish off with a Comfy Crucifixion and an Amen. See you at 7 for our first class, and please wear appropriate attire, bring a yoga mat and a large bottle of water.

May your God be with you, Cyril Knutsford. Vicar. Beckworth St Faiths

(Above) The vicar of St Faith’s readying himself for teaching C of E yoga classes

Dear flock. Just to remind you that today’s remembrance service will be at 2pm today, followed at 3.15 by a procession from the church to lay wreaths at the War Memorial. The procession will be led by myself and the regional head of scouting Sir Bob-bob-bob-dib-dib-dib Geldof leading his crack troupe of scouts, brownies and cubs.

Please join us for both the service and procession this afternoon. May your God be with you, Cyril Knutsford. Vicar. Beckworth St Faiths

(Above) Sir Bob A Job Geldof, regional scout leader