Happy New Year Beckworth. I hope this message finds you well rested and happy to be back at work. I myself have been away for a two weeks jaunt to the far east and so missed Beckworth’s New Years’ eve council funded entertainment on the sports field. I have been told that the traditional death by burning of Old Man Beckworth, to say goodbye to 2016, went smoothly as did the “birthing” of Baby Beckworth to welcome in 2017. Due to a lack of funding there was no pyrotechnic display this year but I think you’ll agree that the money is better spent going towards good causes such as a new Mayoral car. Also worth a mention is that this year the Annual Beckworth Midnight Swim was the best attended ever, with seven people taking part. Six of those intentionally. So here’s to a prosperous 2017. Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. New Mayor

Good adventide Beckworth. This Christmas as a treat for the residents of Beckworth your enterprising local Conservative run council are offering free waste collection as the top prize in it’s annual Yuletide raffle. Tickets only cost £3 each, minimum spend £15 per household, with all the money raised going towards refitting the council offices’ canteen. As you will know this year we introduced costs for bulky, or radioactive, waste remova and so getting a free collection is agreat prize. Other prizes in the raffle are bags of grit to keep paths free of ice, lunch with me (the mayor) and a months free use of the local library. So don’t delay, the tickets are literally selling themselves! Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. New Mayor

(Above) Expert waste collection like this could be free for you and yours this Christmas

Good eventide Beckworth. Just a reminder that tomorrow evening local “rapper” and star of the X-Factor, Honey G will be switching on Beckworth’s Christmas lights. Honey, known to us here in Beckworth as veterinary surgeon and sheep-breeder Nelly Greggs, says she is a big fan of switches and is preparing a rap for the occasion. This year’s Christmas display is probably the town’s best in years (we diverted funds from the local hospice to pay for it) and if measured would probably stretch a hundred feet or so along the high street. With the street lit-up by energy saving light-bulbs in the shape of the stars of Strictly Come Dancing it will really feel like the baby Jesus and the Shepherds are almost amongst us… Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. New Mayor

(Above) Honey G busts a move in preparation of the big Christmas turn-on

Good evening Beckworth. Apologies that this year’s bonfire celebrations had to be cancelled at the last minute. This was because we couldn’t find any matches to light the bonfire or fireworks. If all goes well, and we have a lighter, the fireworks night celebrations should go ahead tomorrow. Or failing that Monday… Attractions will hopefully still include a torch-lit barbershop quartet and all lady jazz band, vegan food stalls and topical effigy of Theresa May made by the local mother and toddler group. As per usual Prof Brian Cox will retell the story of the gunpowder plot from a small marquee (weather permitting) and for the over 18s we’ve got locally brewed ales on draft. Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. New Mayor

(Above) The effigy of Theresa May ready for the bonfire

Good morning Beckworth Thank you all, well almost all, for supporting the Trick Or Treat ban last night and creating a wonderful almost incident free Halloween. Most residents celebrated behind closed doors and only sixty-four arrests were made thanks to the council’s zero-tolerance policy and the Police Riot Squad patrolling in armoured cars through the night. As usual it was the under 10s causing the most problems, a police spokesperson blaming the rioting that ensued in the McDonalds drive-through most likely due to the McFlurrys running out. On a lighter note, congratulations go to the Madonna family, with Mum winning the hotly contested adult Halloween Costume competitions, and daughter Loads winning the under-18s competition. Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. New Mayor

(Above) Mrs Madonna pictured in her back garden with daughter Lords, both modelling their Halloween costumes last night

Good morning Beckworth. I’m sorry to impart bad news, especially as it falls on the day of Strictly, but I have to inform all residents that I have taken Police advice and banned trick or treating once again… It is the only way of keeping Beckworth safe this Halloween and comes after yet another year on year increases of muggings by under 10s. The town’s ageing population already live in fear of clowns and now worry that Halloween night has been highjacked by far-right yummy-mummys and by Satan worshipping youth clubs. I hope the ban won’t effect your enjoyment of all-hallows eve. Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. New Mayor

(Above) Terrifying scenes like this will banned this Halloween

Good evening Beckworth. I’m sorry to impart bad news, especially as it falls on Bake Off night, but as Mayor one of my duties is to send out messages of condolence to local failures… In this case local chippy Chip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah. Once again they are the proud losers of (tonight’s) Chip Shop World Championships. As in previous years they failed to win, or in fact get in the five this year, of the prestigious competition which is televised on the Playboy channel, and repeated on Dave. This time the chip-shop team, led by new head chef Eric Clapton, came last simply because their food was deemed inedible and their signature dish, fish fingers chips and beans, was not properly defrosted. Marks were also lost for trying to kidnap a judge. I’m sure they’ll do better next time. Thanking you most warmly. Aashif Ackworth. New Mayor

(Above) An artists’ impression of local chippy Chip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah’s chips

Hi, thanks to all the readers and contributors to this website for your patience and the two messages of support during our strike-imposed “radio silence” during the last few weeks. Thanks to arbitration we have bowed to the outrageous demands of the council’s IT Department and will now allow them to “work” from home most of the week. So it’s now all systems go and we should be able to resume almost daily posts… Although the IT scum have said they won’t be rushing back to their computers whilst the current heatwave is on. Typical commy b****rds! Aashif Ackworth. New Mayor

(Above) An artists’ poor impression of our IT department back at work