Good morning to you all. I am pleased to announce that as of today Beckworth residents with pest problems can use a new semi-professional eradication crew who’ve set up shop in town. On call night and day 24/7 five days of the week, from 9am – 5pm, the town’s infestation problems are well and truly over. This unqualified wife and husband team have adopted a sort-of James Bond spy theme to stand out from the crowd. At a press-conference this morn Mrs Oakhampton the MD declared “When me and my wheelchaired hubby decided to put our old van, poisons, guns and traps to good use and become mobile pest controllers we thought it best come up with a catchy brand… We’ve always been huge 007 fans, so it made sense to base the new business name on the films and books.” She then added “Thinking of something catchy gave us sleepless nights, we thought of A View To A Kill, but the film-makers threatened to sue us if we used it. Next up we got clever with The Woman (& Disabled Husband) With The Golden Traps, but people didn’t get the Bond connection, or that we killed pests. Nor did anyone understand You Only Die Twice, From Beckworth With Love or Cockroaches Are Forever… So we ended up with the catchy name Fleming’s Untrained Controllers of Pests. It doesn’t quite fit on the side of our small van, so that just says FUC of Pests.” Good luck to Mr and Mrs Oakhampton with their new business. Yours sincerely, Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce

(Above) Mrs Oakhampton demonstrates her patented laser mouse killer