Breaking political news just in…. Our heroic local Tory MP Tristan Carshalton-Beeches has announced he is to lobby Parliament with a radical solution to the UK’s increasing population. Just yesterday a report was published that reckons in the next twenty years our population will expand by 26.75% to about 95 million, and by 2050 our small proud island will be home to over 200 million. All of it down to non-English speaking migrants moving here to claim benefits, take our homes and to breed like rabbits on the national health. Mr Tristan says “Frankly it’s time to draw a line in the British seaside sand and tell Monsieur Johnny, Joanna & Junior Foreigner enough is enough…” In a packed press conference he told assembled journalists and his mother his plans to save our country. “England is like an island, or an old boat.” He told the enraptured audience of five “It has a finite capacity and we are fast approaching the point where we our dear country will sink due to over-crowding. With all us Christians on board. Without inflated life-jackets. Like the Titanic did.” Mr Carshalton-Beeches pointed out that “If the Titanic had had less foreigners onboard, and had lifeboats, it’s population would have survived running into an iceberg.” He showed us cartoon diagrams and went on “We too are blindly running into that iceberg. An immigration iceberg. But I alone can see it approaching. Silently. Like a frozen killer. So my idea is to have lifeboats. And not metaphorical ones. Real one’s for genuine English people to hire that will set sail for dry land before we all drown. I want to buy, or lease, land abroad. Lots of it. Preferably somewhere hot, with a local population we can lord it over. I will set aside plots to house us fleeing British billions and create communities on foreign soil of English speakers. With English pubs and curry houses and things to remind us of home. When it was still good. We can then leave the “old” broken country to all these migrants who are so b****y desperate to come here…” He would have gone on but worked himself up into a frenzy and had to be stretchered off. Mr Tristram was muttering something about creating a pure race in God’s country but we couldn’t catch it all as he was frothing at the mouth. Good luck to Mr Tristram and all who sail with him. Christine Batley. Chief Save Our Country From Foreign Invasion Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) Tory MP Tristan Carshalton-Beeches drawing a line in the sand earlier today