Hello all. Shocking news just in… Beckworth’s notoriously foul-mouthed Labour supporting lollypop lady Vera Chattenden, was today reprimanded by her council employers for once again mislaying her lollypop and being late to work. She’s so far lost a record thirty-two lollies and been unpunctual over 100 times. In just 18 months! The council say they will now dock the cost of each lollypop from her meagre wages and she will make up the hours on weekends. Vera was also chastised for losing a bag marbles belonging to a distraught young school child who’d asked her to look after them whilst he was at school. When I asked about her infamous record amatuer dog-breeder Vera got very aggressive and swore like a trooper, ending the tirade with her trademark gesticulations and shouting her notorious catch-phrase “Go **** Yourself Retard!” Her husband told me “Remarkably she’s a very gentle soul and never swears when she’s sober…” before adding “but it’s been many months since she hasn’t been sozzled on, and off, duty.” A cheery council spokesperson said they couldn’t be too hard on Vera as the children and parents love her “especially when she’s turning the air blue and dragging drivers from their cars for not stopping quickly enough” What a lovely sentiment. Christine Batley. Chief Lollypop Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

(Above) Vera pictured in happier times, back in the days before colour photographs and 4×4 driving yummy-mummys