Hi, after many months of planning the council can confirm that Mary Portas has today succeeded in regenerating Beckworth high-street by installing one of her very attractive Portas Loos. It’s already proved a must visit destination with no less than 21 people relieved to use the patended self-flushing convenience today alone, and the first, local celeb and witty Irishman Terry Wogan, even received a certificate (after he’d washed his hands). In line with getting as much TV-exposure as possible the mobile toilet was unveiled by Mrs Portas herself whilst the local scouts’ brass band played God Save The Queen in the pouring rain. In line with inflation the cost of spending a penny is just £1.50, or £5 if you do a number two (though that does include free toilet roll), a bargain in these times of recession. The loo is bright pink so easy to find and presently sited right outside the funeral parlour, so is well situated for Santa’s Grotto and Decembers’ January sales. G. Grimsby. Mayor

(Above) Mary Portas checks her make-up whilst using the new high street Portas Loo