Hello. Following the recent discovery of “Cinderella’s” discarded glass slipper, followed by her leaving a glove by the zebra crossing, Police have now discovered her abandoned empty cigarette packet. Goodness knows what the poor woman must be going through having lost so many personal effects but she can rest easy as CID and now The Sweeney are on the case. Maybe our “Cinderella” just has an appalling memory and can’t remember where she’s dropped things or more likely is the victim of Ugly siblings robbing her blind. The church yard next to Oscar Wilde‘s grave, where the fag packet was found, has been sealed off and declared a potential crime scene by forensics. And we need your help with this dangerous “Glass-Slipper” case. Have you seen a lady, or man in woman’s attire, lose footwear, gloves and an empty cigarette packet? Have you got memory-loss and can’t find your clothing nor your smokes? Maybe your wicked stepmother has locked you in the pantry for smoking all her tabs and coming home minus a slipper? If so ring 999 and ask for PC R Cowgrove at Beckworth Police station. I will be single-handedly handling this potential murder along with CID and The Sweeney and will keep you up to date on the case as it happens. Yours, PC Cowgrove. Beckworth Police

(Above) Cinderella’s Cigarettes ironically found by the grave of chain-smoker Oscar Wilde