Kebab Celebration for The Queen

Hey you lucky people, today the beloved HRH Queen becomes the oldest queen ever to have lived in this Great Britian and so it is time to celebrate. Big style. And as we know the best way to make a day special is with a kebab. And fries. We’ll be offering a one day only all you can eat until you’re sick offer (from the salad bowl only) for all the Queen fans who come wearing Queen t-shirts or carrying a signed photo of the Freddie Mercury. We’ll also be selling out-of-date greek beer from under the counter. And after 9.30 tonight we’ll be putting on a slide show of our recent visit to Buckingham Palace and have a Queen music tape playing to really make the day extra royal. All for just £24.99. At this crazy price why go anywhere else? We will be staying opening extra late to cater for the after-the-pubs-shut kebab-loving hungry royalists so why not bring the whole families for breakfast, lunch and dinner? Sees you later.

Khristos Knossos. Knossos KebabsBeckworth_Kebab_Queen

(Above) The HRH Queen making herself a kebab earlier today in celebration of 120 years or so of her sitting on the Royal throne

SOBS Story – One Year On

Hello. Sorry for disturbing you but I thought you would like to know how the year long campaign to Save Our British Sausage has been going. No doubt you will remember that my fellow UK butchers and I were prompted to start campaigning when our useless Government, Brussels and political correctness went mad and declared that our good old as “English as hayfever” sausages MUST now contain at least a 40% imported meat content. Our hand-made sausages don’t even have 25% meat in them, so we didn’t see how that would work. And due to previous “media scares” they declared we’re no longer allowed to make them from horses. Or donkeys. Or dogs. The banger is vital part of an Englishman’s everyday healthy diet, it’s probably on of our five a day and worth fighting for. But despite some of us butchers literally fighting MPs the English sausage is still under attack from self-appointed, BMW driving, white wine drinking, pasta eating, johnny foreigner food safety officials from across the channel. But we have not rested this last 12 months; we presented a petition of 53 signatures to the copper on the door of number 10 Downing Street, got on the BBC‘s One Show and were mentioned once in The Sun, in a story about English butchers getting arrested on a ferry to Brussels. We are a traditional British butchers and have been proud to make meat-stuffs from Grand National winners over 150 years. So please join us in standing up for a great traditional meal, stand up for Britishness, stand up for the Queen, and let’s give Johnny MEP a black eye or two. To show your support use “Direct Action” and boycott supermarket sausages, then buy all your British Sausage from our shop. David, Tony and Shawn Bradford. Bradford’s the Butchers. UKIP Supporters

Beckworth-Sausage

Boxing Day Riots

Seasonal news just in… Boxing Day wouldn’t be our favourite day of Christmas if shops didn’t have sales. Especially sales that cause us dedicated shoppers to queue for days in advance for. Who of us hasn’t foregone hanging a stocking for the kids, missed the Queen‘s speech or that lovely Christmas dinner with family to camp out and bag a bargain? These are minor sacrifices to make when you can get £20 off a discontinued TV or slightly soiled nighty on the 26th of December. Such bargain hunters, myself included, were out in force earlier today when our local 99pLand opened it’s doors at 3am to let lucky punters fulfill their wishes. The scene typically turned ugly, with a dozen or so tired shoppers fighting over the most wanted sale item, a partially opened box of  2012 One Direction crackers. But I am glad to say that after patiently waiting in line for 6 days and hospitalising an elderly couple yours truly triumphed. I can now settle down to enjoy a belated Christmas. Christine Batley. Chief Battling In The Boxing Day Sale Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

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(Above) Shoppers rush into 99pLand to grab some Boxing Day bargains

Queen Unveils New Painting In Library

Hello. It’s always a wonderful start to one’s week when a VIP or two stop by the library, especially if unexpected. Today we were actually expecting HRH The Queen to be unveiling our newly white-washed gallery space but instead we got Roger Taylor and Brian May of the pop band Queen. We were not disappointed as the boys did a wonderful job declaring our newly painted walls “open” and even played the gathered throng some of their pop hits. It turns out that HRH Elizabeth II shares the same booking agent as the band Queen and this isn’t the first time they’ve found themselves standing in for our beloved monarch. “Due to mix-ups we’ve launched ships, given dinner to foreign heads of state and even opened Parliament” Roger told me. I’m thrilled about today’s mix up and hope the boys will do the honours for us again when we reopen the drinks vending machine.” Trinny Poole-Harbour. The Jeffrey Archer Gallery. Beckworth Library

Beckworth_BrainMay

(Above) Consummate professional HRH The Queen’s Brian May signals to band mate Roger Taylor to pull back back a curtain and unveil the newly painted gallery wall earlier today

Diorama To Be Used In Lama Drama

Hello. Just to let you know that we’ve still not seen anything of Fern Britton‘s fleeing lamas, but as they say no news is good news (unless like me you work for a newspaper). Anyway, talking of good news, Doris Palmer (Fern Britton‘s in-house lama tracker) has commissioned model-maker, mathematician and local celeb, Johnny Ball to make a diorama of Beckworth, from matchsticks, to try and work out where the lamas could be hiding. With this in mind, Mr Ball has asked me to ask all Beckworth’s smokers to give him their discarded matches so he can complete the 1/12th scale model of the town and surroundings in double-quick time. His last model, of the Queen Mother (see below) took over 3 years and 220,000 matches to complete and is now on diplay in the vet’s surgery.

Queen MUm Matches

If you have spent matches please drop them at Johnny’s house or pass them onto me if he’s busy doing sums in his study. Also, please don’t concern Mrs Britton with matches as she’s hosting an Alcohol Awareness meeting this afternoon. Anyway, i’ll continue to keep you posted on lama news, whether we have any or not. Christine. Chief Crime Reporter at The Beckworth Guardian and neighbourhood watch coordinator