Dear Prof Cox Why Are We Having Such Hot Days? Part Two

Hello to my Coxettes (my dear fans), it’s your beautiful Prof Brian Cox here. I’m sorry I didn’t finish answering yesterday’s burning question “why are we having such hot days this week.” My neighbours and close friends Sir Brian May and his mum (ex-PM) Teresa May popped round with a bottle of sherry to have a natter and admire my fabulous hair and my newly whitened teeth (they were very impressed), which meant I didn’t finish giving the scientific answer…  So here goes, the UK is breaking temperature records (I’m told it was probably 38.1C yesterday, which is over 120 degrees in old money) because we’re being invaded by never before seen dessert plumes (tall winds to you plebs) travelling north from places like Iran, Israel and Japan. The plumes are blowing away fluffy clouds and bringing the most sunshine and daylight that we’ve ever seen… And because the UK is just like a big island, surrounded by deep seas and oceans, it feels even hotter and is making us crave cool Pimms and ice creams, which in turn raises temperatures. This creates a vicious circle, the more we drink and Cornettos we consume the hotter it gets… Today is cooler as most shops have now sold out of both, which is vey lucky… On a positive note I’ve managed to get a great all-over tan from nude sunbathing on my garage roof. I’m now going to show it off at the pub to best pals Amanda Holden & David Walliams. I don’t want to be late so better sign off…. See you soon, and keep the faith. Ta ta, Prof Brian Cox.

Christmas Eve Midnight Mass

Dear flock. Just to remind you that tomorrow night’s Midnight Mass will be starting at the slightly earlier time of 8.45pm and finishing by 10.15 so I can get home to watch the Mrs Brown’s Boys Christmas Special. Thank God that this year the council’s health & safety department have seen sense, and bowed to government pressure, over-turning their previous ruling that Christmas Eve Midnight Mass could only commence in daylight hours. Sadly church warden Noddy Holder is still off work due to suffering a frozen-shoulder but his “Slade Carol Singers” will be led on guitar by The Queen‘s own Brian May. He will also host a “Karaoke With Jesus & Mince Pies” session in the crypt on Christmas Day morning, which sounds like it will be a wonderful experience to behold. Have a wonderful Christmas and look forward to seeing you all tomorrow.

May your God be with you, Cyril Knutsford. Vicar. Beckworth St Faiths

Beckworth_Brian May

(Above) Guitar legend Brian May, pictured earlier today whilst out shopping, will be playing at midnight mass

Queen Unveils New Painting In Library

Hello. It’s always a wonderful start to one’s week when a VIP or two stop by the library, especially if unexpected. Today we were actually expecting HRH The Queen to be unveiling our newly white-washed gallery space but instead we got Roger Taylor and Brian May of the pop band Queen. We were not disappointed as the boys did a wonderful job declaring our newly painted walls “open” and even played the gathered throng some of their pop hits. It turns out that HRH Elizabeth II shares the same booking agent as the band Queen and this isn’t the first time they’ve found themselves standing in for our beloved monarch. “Due to mix-ups we’ve launched ships, given dinner to foreign heads of state and even opened Parliament” Roger told me. I’m thrilled about today’s mix up and hope the boys will do the honours for us again when we reopen the drinks vending machine.” Trinny Poole-Harbour. The Jeffrey Archer Gallery. Beckworth Library


(Above) Consummate professional HRH The Queen’s Brian May signals to band mate Roger Taylor to pull back back a curtain and unveil the newly painted gallery wall earlier today