Four Dead In Lama Drama

Posted on 19/05/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello. I just thought I’d keep everyone informed of the latest harrowing events with regard to the sighting of Fern Britton‘s ne’re-do-well lamas up on Archer’s Hill. I’ve just come off the phone from talking to Doris Palmer (Fern’s in-house lama seeker) who, along with hunky hero Ross Kemp and his bald brother Phil Mitchell, went to the hills with a troupe of vigilantes to catch the estranged lamas. She told me, in graphic detail, that in a combined act of daring-do our three plucky heroes managed to humanely kill the unarmed animals. And she assures me it was only when identifying the two lamas that they realised there were in fact four of them, and that they were goats. As Doris said, in the heat of the moment tragedies such as friendly-fire can occur, and that her thoughts go out to the goats owners who have yet to be informed. Also, she explained that when shooting assault weapons from a safe distance, and from behind thick bushes, young lamas and goats are quite easily mistaken. Anyway, on a brighter note, Mrs Palmer has asked if anyone has a recipe for curried goat? I’ll let you know when I know more about the lamas (and please don’t worry Mrs Britton about the dead goats, or live lamas, as she is hosting a champagne and croquet garden party this afternoon). Christine. Chief Crime Reporter at The Beckworth Guardian and neighbourhood watch coordinator

The Hills Are Alive With Lama Drama

Posted on 19/05/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello. We’ve just had our first unconfirmed sighting in days of Fern Britton‘s prison-break lamas. They have been spotted dug-in and taking stock up on Archer’s Hill. As I write a crack team of Lama hunters, including Doris Palmer (Fern’s in-house lama ranger), heroic have-a-go hero Ross Kemp, along with his have-a-go hero brother off TV, Phil Mitchell, are cycling to the hills to “engage with the enemy,” a heroic Ross told me over the phone. He also texted this photograph just before they went lama spotting, which was very kind.

I tried contacting Mrs Britton to keep her informed but just got her answer machine. Still it was only 10.30am and she’ll need her beauty sleep after her very loud Eurovision party kept the whole town awake last night. Anyway, with any luck this desperate situation will be over by the time I settle down to watch Country File tonight. Christine. Chief Crime Reporter at The Beckworth Guardian and neighbourhood watch coordinator

Diorama To Be Used In Lama Drama

Posted on 16/05/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello. Just to let you know that we’ve still not seen anything of Fern Britton‘s fleeing lamas, but as they say no news is good news (unless like me you work for a newspaper). Anyway, talking of good news, Doris Palmer (Fern Britton‘s in-house lama tracker) has commissioned model-maker, mathematician and local celeb, Johnny Ball to make a diorama of Beckworth, from matchsticks, to try and work out where the lamas could be hiding. With this in mind, Mr Ball has asked me to ask all Beckworth’s smokers to give him their discarded matches so he can complete the 1/12th scale model of the town and surroundings in double-quick time. His last model, of the Queen Mother (see below) took over 3 years and 220,000 matches to complete and is now on diplay in the vet’s surgery.

If you have spent matches please drop them at Johnny’s house or pass them onto me if he’s busy doing sums in his study. Also, please don’t concern Mrs Britton with matches as she’s hosting an Alcohol Awareness meeting this afternoon. Anyway, i’ll continue to keep you posted on lama news, whether we have any or not. Christine. Chief Crime Reporter at The Beckworth Guardian and neighbourhood watch coordinator

No Lamas In Lama Drama

Posted on 15/05/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello, just a quick update on the all-absorbing lama drama. Yesterday I reported a potentially violent incident in the dry cleaners, which at the time looked to be caused by Fern Britton‘s jailbird lamas. Luckily for the owners of the dry cleaner the rumpus was just someone with a shotgun trying to steal the till, not our Bonnie and Clyde of the camelid underworld. Doris Palmer (Fern Britton‘s in-house lama crime expert) says it’s only a matter of time before she snares the hairy Jacksons (Jermaine & Michael)… and she’s a patient woman. Who’ll crack first I wonder? Also, at this upsetting time, a distressed Mrs Britton has asked not to be bothered by well-wishers as she is being consoled by a close friend. Anyway, i’ll be continue to keep you posted on lama news as it happens. Christine. Chief Crime Reporter at The Beckworth Guardian and neighbourhood watch coordinator

A Very Quiet Lama Drama

Posted on 13/05/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello. It’s all eerily quiet on the lama drama front thanks to action hero Ross Kemp‘s heroics (this picture taken just prior to his lama “intervention” yesterday). We’ve had no reported sightings and everyone is whispering in case we hear the hairy escapees coming. I’ll keep you posted if anything happens. Christine. Chief Crime Reporter at The Beckworth Guardian and neighbourhood watch coordinator

Janet Jackson Taken Out In Lama Drama

Posted on 12/05/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello, its hard to believe that we are now on day five of our very dangerous, lama escape dilema. Siege mentality is gripping those residents of the town who know about Fern Britton‘s fugitive lamas (“The Jackson Three”) and I am honoured to be the first to tell you that one of the 3 hairy runaways has been “taken out.” After two sightings near the Fruit Sellers Arms pub, word spread like wild fire and one of those inside the pub, enjoying a shandy and pork-scratchings, was have-a-go hero and local celeb (and also brother of Spandau Ballet’s Gary Kemp) Ross Kemp. Armed with only a beer mat, Ross ran out of the pub, leaving his unfinished half pint without any regard for his own safety, and rugby-tackled the smallest of the lamas by the postbox. Whilst knocking it to the ground and writhing around a lot, the other two cowardly camelid accomplices fled the scene. The young lama died in Ross’s tender embrace and has been formally identified by Mrs Britton’s in-house lama identifier, Doris Palmer, as being two-year old female lama, Janet Jackson (all the lamas at Fern Britton’s lama farm are named after her favourite 1970s and 80s pop and rock artists).

Ross Kemp was quoted after the incident as saying “did anyone get that on video?” before returning to his refreshing drink and telling anyone who would listen about his animal-capture heroics. So encouragingly, that’s one lama down, two to go. Please keep a look out for the hairy triumvirate, and let me know if you see them (Fern’s too busy to be contacted today as she like’s to spend Sundays sipping cocktails and seeing if she’s been mentioned in the papers). Who knows, maybe you’ll witness a half-cut Ross Kemp take out the other lamas before more loss of human life. Thanks for your time and let’s all encourage Mr Kemp to get out there and fight, Christine Batley. Chief Crime Reporter at The Beckworth Guardian and neighbourhood watch coordinator

Things A Lot Calmer In Lama Drama

Posted on 11/05/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Hello, I just thought i’d keep you up to date with the ongoing lama situation. Fern Britton‘s fugitive lamas (“The Jackson Three”) are still on the run and we’ve only had one reported sighting overnight, outside the Coronet Cinema where they were coincidentally showing Dr Dolittle. Although the situation is calm we’re still on red alert. Please continue to keep a look out for the hairy triumvirate and Mrs Britton has warned do not approach the lamas as they may be armed and dangerous (I think that’s what her text meant to say, I hate predictive text). So far the three camelids haven’t been tempted by the banana trap but I will continue to monitor the situation on Fern’s behalf (She’s getting her hair done today). Thanks for your time and see if you can spot one or all of the lamas, Christine Batley. Chief Crime Reporter at The Beckworth Guardian and neighbourhood watch coordinator

Tempting Banana Used In Lama Drama

Posted on 10/05/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

Well I never, we’ve still got an ongoing situation concerning Fern Britton‘s escaped lamas, because “The Jackson Three” are still at large!! You may remember earlier this week I asked everyone to keep a look out for the 3 lama’s and I have been deluged with many sightings of them. You have spotted them all over Beckworth, from grazing outside the mosque to defecating near the car wash and we’ve even had unconfirmed sightings in the butchers and phone shop. I must once again state, in the interests of safety and hygiene, that Mrs Britton has warned that under no circumstances should the lamas be approached as they can be life threatening. So far the wily threesome have evaded capture but Fern’s own lama-cowgirl Doris Palmer has now set up a trap outside the opticians using the beasts’ favourite bananas as bait. If you see this trap please do not tamper with it as I’m told it could have your leg off. Doris has told me they can’t resist bananas and assures me this means the lamas will soon be captured and back home at Fern’s farm in time to watch Hollyoaks. Thanks for your time and enjoy the lama hunting, Christine Batley. Chief Crime Reporter at The Beckworth Guardian and neighbourhood watch coordinator

Judith Chalmers In Unfolding Bad Kharma Lama Drama

Posted on 09/05/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

My goodness, since my first message on this site yesterday my life has become just like an episode of News At Ten!!! You may remember I asked everyone to keep a look out for 3 lama’s that had escaped from local celeb Fern Britton‘s lama farm. Well, I have so far been inundated with eleven or so sightings of “The Jackson Three” (The lamas are named Michael, Janet and Jermaine). So far the cunning lamas have evaded capture and have been spotted all over the town, from Bingo at the Macadamia Hall to The Spa at Beckworth Hall, with a stop-off at the drive-through McDonalds and a toilet break outside the Two Fat Ducks restaurant in between. They were even spotted in the tinned veg aisle at Tesburys Supermarket by local celeb, and latenight TV Gold travel presenter, Judith Chalmers.

Judith, a self-professed camel rider, says she was tempted to try and tackle them but thankfully had seen my website warning yesterday, and also thought that to deny the lamas their “escape to victory” would bring her bad kharma at a time when she is hoping to get back on to television and needs all the help she can get. To reiterate for those who missed my first message, Mrs Britton warned that under no circumstances should the lamas be approached as they do pose a seroius threat to the public, and other animals. If you do continue to spot the three runaways please let me know or contact Fern’s in-house lama-trainer Doris Palmer who will come and round them up (with a lasoo I presume?). Thanks for your time and have fun lama spotting, Christine Batley. Chief Crime Reporter at The Beckworth Guardian and neighbourhood watch coordinator

Lama Farmer Drama

Posted on 08/05/2013 by a resident of Beckworth

At last I can contribute to Beckworth’s website and all because of a camelid emergency. Please be on the look out for 3 lama’s that have escaped from local celeb Fern Britton‘s famous lama farm. Fern (the youngest daughter of the composer, and dead local celeb, Benjamin Britten) has been running her lama stud for twelve years and says this is the first time that any inmates have made a dash for freedom. Mrs Britton advises that under no circumstances should the general public approach the lamas (named Michael, Janet and Jermaine) as they can be quite dangerous when cornered and have venomous spit (I think that’s what she said, but it was a crackly phone line and I was on the loo at the time). If you do spot the three hairy runaways Fern, a close friend and neighbour of Phillip Schofield, says not to bother her but instead advises emailing me (how exciting!) or you can phone, text or even face-time, her partner (in business, not in love) Doris Palmer, who is known to the lamas and is thankfully trained in non-combative animal capture. Thanks for your time and happy lama hunting, Christine Batley. Chief Crime Reporter at The Beckworth Guardian and neighbourhood watch coordinator

Life in Beckworth

Bringing you the (almost) everyday comings and goings of the residents of Beckworth, a typical English market town. Informing you about their lives through the mediums of words, images, an interactive map and stereophonic sound recordings

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