Baby Name Fever

Hello all. To make the time pass quicker whilst I pace the floor in my sweltering kitchen waiting for dear Kate Middleton to give birth to our future heir, I’ve popped onto the internet to see what baby names the nation are betting William and Kate will give to their child. Most popular girls name at 2/1 is Elizabeth, and boys top choice at 3/1 is Darren. The other most popular choices are Kylie, Roxanne-Chantelle, Krystalle and Gladys if it’s a girl, and Rory, D-Wayne, Oral-B and Nathan if it’s a boy. But little known Royal protocol actually dictates that the baby must be named after the parents favourite singer (or minstrel as it was in ancient days). William was of course named after his mother’s favourite Take That star Robbie Williams and brother Harry in honour of his father’s favourite Harry Secombe (although due to misspelling he was actually christened Henry). It is therefore most likely that the child will be named Chris or Martin (Coldplay are a big Royal favourite) or Beyonce Knowles. I’ve placed a five pound bet on the latter as the odds are so good, but keep that to yourself. Anyway, I will keep you informed about the birth as soon as I know. Christine Batley. Chief Royal Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian


(Above) The Royal baby’s likely namesake, Beyonce Knowles

Putting God’s Words Into Randy’s Mouth

Uncle Les Small

This is a message to all of you who like your music religious, your singers to be made of wood and your ale real. Tomorrow night local “friends of Jesus” and amateur ventriloquists, Uncle Len & Aunt Nancy Wheely, will be rocking our back room venue. Along with their sexually-deviant “son” Randy they will sing all of their God-fearing cover versions including Stairway To Heaven, Sabbath Bloody Sabbath and Robbie William’s Angels. They’re guaranteed to bring joy to our hearts and fill the bar with Godliness, or so their agent has told me. They will also be signing copies of their thought-provoking debut album Do You Know Jesus?, which will be onsale after the show, along with t-shirts, mouse-mats and “Randy” keyfobs. It’s only a fiver on the door and this week’s featured ale at the pub is Beelzebub’s Bathwater. Warning: If you don’t like people singing about Jesus, or ventriloquists, then stay at home! Cindy Carmarthen, Bar Manager, The Blind Badger Pub & Venue

Found: A Trumpet

A solid-brass trumpet was found by singer and local celeb Robbie Williams last night in Fleetwood Road (near the drive-through McDonalds) and promptly handed in at the Police station. It has been thoroughly dusted for finger-prints and DNA samples taken.
If you are missing the said brass instrument, saw it being nicked or think you know the rightful owner, please ring 999 and ask for PC R Cowgrove at Beckworth Police station, who is handling this very sensitive case. PC R Cowgrove

(Above) The Fleetwood Road trumpet. Is it yours?