Hello. As you’ll probably know Beckworth Police (namely me and my dog Rozzer) are currently investigating a brutal murder in the town after two hastily discarded grey ties were found on the weekend in suspicious circumstances on the high street. Interestingly no body nor any suspects have yet been discovered but we can’t be far off cracking this case as a vigilant member of the public has found a third tie. It is of similar manufacture to the other ties and is looks just like the one worn by Shrek in the film Shrek 2. This necktie was found ominously hanging in the faulty phone box between the “Pawn Your Porn” shop and the Vicarage. I have deduced that it obviously points to the Father-of-The-Bride frantically trying to phone his daughter on the morning of the wedding only to find the phone was out of order. He was no doubt going to explain that her big day will have to be postponed as her husband-to-be had died tragically on his stag do the previous evening.  Currently I am investigating if anyone was killed locally on Friday most likely in a bizarre “mishap” involving a stripper, a gimp mask and some dodgy welding equipment. Having checked the the third tie for dabs before it was destroyed by the bomb-squad I now firmly believe the bride’s father has absconded to Ibiza with the best man to avoid suspicion. But I’m not stupid and have rumbled them. So i’m already looking at cheap flights to the holiday island so I can track them over the Easter holiday. But in the meantime maybe you have vital information in relation to this case that you want to get off your chest? Perhaps you or a friend can’t sleep at night because you witnessed the brutal killing in the strip club Peppermint Zebra and did nothing? Or maybe you saw a smartly dressed blood-covered old man desperately trying to make a phone call on Saturday morning? Maybe he even asked you for some change in exchange for his tie? If so CID would like to hear from you or anyone else who is ashamed to have been watching lapdancers last week. Please ring 999 and ask for PC R Cowgrove at Beckworth Police station. My dog and I will be handling this horrific murder case and we both hope to be in line for OBE’s plus large amounts of dosh and dog-food for rounding up this murderous gang on Ibiza. I’ll keep you posted on developments. Yours, PC Cowgrove. Beckworth Police

(Above) The third tie found ominously hanging on an out-of-order phone box this morning