Very exciting criminal news just in… This morning at around 8.27am heavily-armed police swooped on the Costa Nostra Cafe, on Springsteen Street, and arrested a suspected Mafia don. A witness was quoted as saying “At first we thought the bobby’s were there for their usual big fry-up, but imagine our surprise when they just ordered croissants… they then proceeded to (hand-) cuff local window cleaner Tony “The Nut” Pistachio who was quietly enjoying beans on toast. With a latte.” Another witness added “The coppers told me that they think 83 year old Tony is actually Anthony “The Total Nut” Cashew. The ruthless leader of the Sicilian crime family The Cashews & Brazils…” he went on “This Anthony’s been wanted by Interpol for 62 years, so if it’s him the Beckworth Police will be hoping for a large cash reward… And some shiny medals.” Ron “Don” Corleone the cafe owner chipped in saying “I don’t mind mafia arrests over breakfast, that’s just a hazard of running an Italian eatery… What i dislike is that the rozzers haven’t paid for their ruddy breakfasts.” No doubt this will put Beckworth on the crime-wave map, so I’ll keep you posted on the arrest, deportation etc as it happens. Christine Batley. Chief Criminal Underworld Reporter. Beckworth Guardian