Late Start For Today’s New Years’ Day Naturists Farmers’ Market & Five-A-Side Football Match

Hello, just to let you know that today’s Open Air Naturist’s farmers market will be opening at 11am today instead of the advertised 10. This is a knock on effect of my close friend Wayne needing medical attention after getting into difficulties during last night’s Annual Beckworth Midnight Swim. The mass skinny dip is a wonderful way of seeing the new year in with friends and relations but a combination of strong undercurrents and an unforseen swell meant Wayne’s new lilo sprung a puncture, depositing him very roughly back on the River Bank where he sprained his ankle and inflamed his coccyx. The under 16s St John’s Ambulance, under the supervision of Philip Schofield, were very quickly on the scene but it has meant Wayne could only limp during this morning’s New Years’ Day Naturists’ March through the town. This has slowed everybody down, hence the late opening of the market. The planned nudists’ five-a-side football match will now kick off at 2.30, weather permitting. Apologies to all, but see you in all your glory amongst the organic fruit and veg later this morning. Happy New Year, Lionel

Beckworth_Five a side

(Above) Beckworth’s premier nude striker Vince Poulshot get’s a dressing down from the ref and linesmen (on-duty Police) during last seasons 5-a-side friendly against the cast of Downton Abbey. He unfortunately brought the game into disrepute by getting a yellow card for manhandling the ball before the game had even commenced.