I’m pleased to announce that a major crime has been solved today by Beckworth Police. The missing, presumed stolen, tank has been found alive and well by army officer, local celeb and star of The Bill, Ross Kemp. He has repatriated the vehicle for use hunting down local resident Fern Britain’s escaped pets. So the tank is in safe hands and no harm’s been done. Plus, there’s no need to ring 999 if you see Mr Kemp driving across fields and firing the tank’s large gun. I for one am most relieved the case can be closed and wish more residents were as community minded as Ross. He even sent a picture to my phone of him and the tank! PC R Cowgrove

(Above) Ross Kemp in his search for lost pets