Howdy Hi, here are a couple more bits of my amazing life story which I told to an interviewer a while ago… Enjoy, I’m sure you will. Albert
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Monthly Archives: May 2013
Lost: Trousers, Cap and Probably My Left Sock
If anyone finds my army officers cap and khaki trousers please let me know. I woke up this morning semi-naked in a barn and for the life of me can’t think where they’ve gone. I was out celebrating Joan Collin’s birthday at yesterdays parade and got completely stewed, so they could be in any, if not all, of the town’s pubs. Did anyone see me in the inns of Beckworth? Was I wearing my trousers and cap at the time? There’s no need to rush to find them as luckily I was, and indeed still am, wearing my lucky pants. But any help would be appreciated. Colonel T. Ludlow (Ret’d)
PS Whilst you’re at it please keep an eye out for my left army sock, which I may have also lost during the very long night
Thank You For The Music
Hello all. I’d like to thank everyone who took part in, or spectated at, yesterday’s Ava Berlin’s Death and Joan Collin’s Birth Days Parade. It was a fabulous day for all the family, which could perhaps become an annual affair? Thankfully trouble was kept to a minimum with the day only slightly spoilt by a large group of shaven-headed well-wishers drunkenly shouting in German and throwing rocks at the army trucks. Special thanks must go to the star of the parade, birthday girl Joan Collins (90 years young), for portraying our Queen with such aplomb from the roof of a post-office van, and to 11 year old Rebecca Pinner (pictured) of the Beckworth Girl Guide Recorder Group. Rebecca provided the musical accompaniment when she replaced the army marching band at the last minute (the whole band having succumbed to the norovirus after eating dodgy kebabs). I, for one, loved the red arrow flypast and the army vehicle motorcade. Of particular note was army general, and local celeb, Ross Kemp looking very proud as he led the parade on his bicycle. So let’s hope we can do it all again next year, weather permitting. Thanks. G. Grimsby. Mayor
Rabbits, Half Off
After 23 years happy years at 22 Floyd Street we are regretably downsizing and relocating to 6 Floyd Street. We will miss our many friends and loyal customers, so please pop in and say goodbye. Before we sadly move (end of June) we are having a “closing-down sale.” We have fish going cheap, birds going spare and 50% off rabbits and gerbils. If you want to haggle and buy by the kilo I can probably see my way to cutting a bit off most animals purchased. So please come and grab your self a bargain. Thank you. Fletcher Gillingham. Proprieter. Gillingham’s Pet Store
Beckworth Star Spot: Peter Andre
Hellody Hoo, Marion here. I’ve just seen tanned TV singing sensation (and son of Katie Price) Peter Andre trying on sandals in Sainsco supermarket. He has very big feet and after trying many pairs he realised they didn’t have his size. I suggested he try wearing plimsoles. Ta ta, Marion
Doris Palmer’s Emotional Breakdown In Lama Drama
Hello. I promised to keep you posted about the darmatic lama drama, and so am relaying this breaking news. Brothers Ross Kemp and Phil Mitchell have used their army tank to take out one of their quarry, the infamous gang leader Jermaine Jackson. As feared the two runaway lama’s were holed up in Beckworth Hall’s boat shed, and so hardmen Ross and Phil, without thought for their own personal safety and as war raged all around them, fired a volley of high-velocity blank shells at the shed, as a warning. The heroic duo then bravely drove their tank to the shed door and peered in. They were buoyed by the site of one lama lying down, apparently having fainted. Sensibly they waited outside until Doris Palmer (Fern’s in-house lama inspector) arrived to make a formal identification of Jermaine. They had to wait a while because poor old Doris, following on a tractor, had tearfully broken down. Her fuel pipe had got clogged-up and she gets hayfever. But Mrs Palmer soon forgot her troubles when she found the lama was in fact dead, on top of which says she’s 50% sure it’s Jermaine (pictured resting in peace).
Which as gorgeous Mr Kemp texted me, means that his nemesis Michael Jackson the lama is still MIA (Missing In Action). Ross has vowed to fight another day, but has promised to return the tank this afternoon as he has a hot date with local celeb, and actress, Sharon off Eastenders. So for now Public Enemy Number One, Fern Britton’s Jackson One, is free to spread his filthy propaganda and diseases. Please keep your eyes peeled for the dangerous young lama and don’t forget, under no circumstances bother a very worried Mrs Britton, as she has a TV career to rebuild. Christine. Chief Crime Reporter at The Beckworth Guardian and neighbourhood watch coordinator
RIP Ava, Happy Birthday Joan
Hello all. It is with great sadness that I have to inform you of the terminal death of local WW2 heroine Ava Berlin, who turned 101 just last week. Her daughter Nora, a local Tory MP, says that feisty Ava put up a brave fight right to the end, though she sadly had to be restrained for a few days. But now at last she is happily rejoined with Nora’s father, her beloved Fuhrer. In honour of Miss Berlin’s passing, and to celebrate actress, and local celeb, Joan Collins 90th birthday we are pressing ahead with tomorrow’s much anticipated Ava Berlin Birth (& Death) Day Parade. Mrs Collins has promised to dress as our present monarch instead of Boadicea (she couldn’t get a costume) and sit on a throne tied to the roof of a post-office van. That way everyone can get a good view of her. Always the professional, Joan a keen method actor is already in preperation for the role and her agent (and teenage husband) Timmy has just emailed this picture for all Joan’s fans to see her putting the finishing touches to the Royal lips.
Tomorrow’s parade will commence at 2pm and include a military marching band, armoured vehicles (though I hear the army are currently missing their only tank), the reformed 1980s TV dance-troupe Legs & Co dancing on a lorry and a red-arrows flypast. All through the streets of Beckworth. It’s not to be missed! Thanks. G. Grimsby. Mayor
No Body Armour For Heroes In Lama Drama
Hello. It’s about day 20 or so in this gripping lama drama that has gripped the residents of Beckworth, and the world beyond. To recap for those who have been away on holiday, or in hospital, a few weeks ago 3 dangerous lamas escaped from Fern Britton‘s lama farm, one was captured by plucky hero Ross Kemp and now the other two are on the run. Ross and his handsome TV brother Phil Mitchell have borrowed an army tank but shunned wearing protective body armour (as it makes them too large to fit in the tank). They are now in hot pursuit of the lamas, who have regrouped and haven’t been seen for a while. Tirelessly the brothers Kemp have been driving through the countryside leaving no stone, or in some cases whole buildings, unturned. Mr Kemp has been keeping me in the loop by texting lurid messages and pics of their exploits, which included accidentally running over some grazing cattle, and thinks at last they have spotted the two runaway camelids sheltering in Beckworth Hall’s boat shed. I am awaiting a texted update as he is about to fire at the shed to scare the beasts. I’ll let you know what happens, but he has asked me to observe radio silence until this disquieting time is over (so i’ve just switched off Ken Bruce on Radio 2). Doris Palmer (Fern’s in-house tractor driver) is following the tank on a tractor ready to help with this hopeful lama capture. Most importantly, a very upset Mrs Britton has asked that no-one bothers her today as she is entertaining a group of wealthy foreign businessmen. Christine. Chief Crime Reporter at The Beckworth Guardian and neighbourhood watch coordinator
Hero Finds Missing Tank
I’m pleased to announce that a major crime has been solved today by Beckworth Police. The missing, presumed stolen, tank has been found alive and well by army officer, local celeb and star of The Bill, Ross Kemp. He has repatriated the vehicle for use hunting down local resident Fern Britain’s escaped pets. So the tank is in safe hands and no harm’s been done. Plus, there’s no need to ring 999 if you see Mr Kemp driving across fields and firing the tank’s large gun. I for one am most relieved the case can be closed and wish more residents were as community minded as Ross. He even sent a picture to my phone of him and the tank! PC R Cowgrove
(Above) Ross Kemp in his search for lost pets
Two By Two In Lama Drama
Hello. I’ve just had some very exciting breaking news regarding Fern Britton‘s escaped band of brothers, The Jackson Two (the lamas are named after music’s Jackson brothers). As no-one has seen the on-the-run lamas for a few days ex-army commando Ross Kemp and his SAS trained TV brother Phil Mitchell have taken matters into their own hands and borrowed a tank to go lama hunting in the countryside. “If anyone is going to find our convict lamas it is the brave Kemp Brothers,” says Doris Palmer (Fern’s in-house lama namer), “and isn’t it ironic that in the end it will be two brothers against two brothers.” So who will win the battle of 2 men and a tank versus 2 very dangerous lamas? Watch this space. I’ll be keeping tabs on the situation via text messages from Ross (and please don’t accost Mrs Britton about the unfolding situation, as she will be in the pub today nursing a migraine). Christine. Chief Crime Reporter at The Beckworth Guardian and neighbourhood watch coordinator
