Tag Archives: Job Centre

You Win Some, You Lose Some

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Hello. Just to let you know what a success Friday’s open day at HMP Septonville was. Our local maximum-security prison certainly know how to make visitors welcome especially us women-folk! Just to say I wasn’t the only one to find romance on the day, the place is chock-full of potential soul mates (there are so many wrongly-convicted young men locked up in there!) Anyway, a couple of people signed up for work-experience under the Government’s Hey Scrounger, Get A Job programme, which is great, and we all made lot’s of new friends. On the downside, if you can call it that, a few inmates did manage to escape on the day by mingling with us happy visitors. As they say, you can’t make an omelette without buying eggs. I found eight men squeezed into my mini when I got home, and after a lovely weekend enjoying the sunny weather and having a trip to the seaside some have now sadly returned to the prison with an unneccessary Police escort. Reg “The Slocombe Strangler” Bosworth is still at large after baking me a lovely Jamie Oliver souffle as a gift, and the loveable big softy is welcome at my home any time.

Given the success of the event more local employers are promising open days so keep watching this space. Ruth Freshford. Manager. JobCentrePlus

Souffle

(Above) The Slocombe Strangler’s souffle

Prison Open Day

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Hello. Just to let you know that this Friday our local maximum-security prison (HMP Septonville) will be throwing open it’s door as part of the Government’s national Hey Scrounger, Get A Job programme. Those job-seekers who attended the recent abatoir openday will know it’s likely be a real eye opener and a thrilling day out for all the family (although it is aimed at the workshy everyone is indeed welcome). I’ll be going as I’m desperate to know what it’s like inside!!! So come and meet the inmates. They’ll show you what solitary confinement is like in the high security wing, help you to pick up carelessly-discarded soap in the shower block and even give one-on-one instruction in making mail bags. They will be something for everyone, demonstrations on riot control, dealing with dirty protests and bodysearches for smuggled in narcotics. There’s bingo and physical education for the elderly (so bring your shorts) and for the under-fives there’s Put The Handcuffs On The Convict, hide and seek and, weather permitting, a bouncy castle in the exercise yard. It really will be wonderful, so see you there.

More local employers are promising similar open days so keep watching this space. Ruth Freshford. Manager. JobCentrePlus

PrisonCell

(Above) A Septonville cell. Dirty protest thankfully out of shot

Chilly Themepark To Reopen

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Iceland Land

Hello. Just to let you know that after a no-expense spared two-month £3,000 face-lift the Iceland foods themed Iceland Land Theme Park in Slocombe is to reopen in time for the school holidays and is now recruiting Icelanders (staff). Do you have the required skills to press start and stop to operate the Frozen Chicken Big BBQ Dipper ride? Are you qualified to monotonously stamp the tickets for Ice Lolly Mountain or tell little kids to stop messing around on the Own Brand Cola Dodgems? Do you have the nerve (and a clean licence) to drive the Mini Quiche Party Train or serve far too many drinks to benefit-fraud teenage parents in the Mum’s Gone To Iceland Cocktail Bar? If so they want to hear from you. Iceland Land are an equal opportunities employer so people of all colours, weight and sexual & religious persuasions can apply and they will even accept CVs from the blind and non-ablebodied communities (though of course they probably won’t get an interview). All applicants must be over 18 and have been out of prison or clean of Class A drugs for at least 5 years. So if you live on a council estate why not apply, as the advert says, “It’s Chills and Thrills All The Way At Iceland Land.”

Application forms available online. Ruth Freshford. Manager. JobCentrePlus

Local Abattoir Opens It’s Doors

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Hello. Just a reminder that this Saturday our local abattoir (Blind Glenn’s Meat Processing on the Slocombe Road, next to the outdoor swimming pool) is throwing open it’s door as part of the Government’s national Hey Scrounger, Get A Job programme. It’s guaranteed to be an exciting day out for all the family and although aimed at the bone idle members of the community everyone is welcome. So come and meet the animals, try the equipment and at the end of the day take home some cheap meat or sheepskin coat you’ve just seen made. For the partially sighted and blind we’ve got animal recognition classes (would you know your ass from your heffer just by touch?), and for the able-bodied there are demonstrations on animal restraint, halal slaughter and hygienic effluent disposal. For the under-fives there’s Pin The Tail On The Carcass, an Ice Cream van and, weather permitting, donkey rides. It really will be fantastic, so see you there.

By the way, more local employers are promising similar open days so keep watching this space. Ruth Freshford. Manager. JobCentrePlus

This Week Teach An Old Dog New Tricks

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briefcase-dog

Hello. Just a reminder that starting tomorrow it’s National Take A Dog To Work, Or School, Week. And as the name helpfully implies it’s a time to introduce our canine friends to the world of jobs, or full-time education. And fear not if you’re not in education, or are workshy, the unemployed can take dogs (and bitches if we’re being PC) to sign on or to accompany them to the off license and betting shop. And let’s not forget our retired friends, they can take a dog/bitch along to visit a loved-one’s grave or to buy the Daily Mail. Confusingly, dogs remain banned from hospitals but nurses could try sneaking them in to hide under the beds and cheer up the patients.

“But I haven’t got a dog to offer work-experience to” I hear the non-dog owners amongst you cry! Fear not, why not borrow one? The local dog’s home are running a Dog-Intern Scheme, whereby they lend you a pooch for the week and on Friday just return it no questions asked.
And great news; local employers offering internships to those that bark have also agreed to supply complimentary dog bowls and mid-morning bones. So what are you waiting for, now man’s best friend can also be a bitch at work. Ruth Freshford. Manager. JobCentrePlus