Monthly Archives: April 2014

Le Bon Set To Open New Store In High Street

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Good afternoon. We at the trade guild are delighted to announce that national treasure Simon Le Bon has been granted planning permission to expand his shopping empire and open a branch in Beckworth. His shop, Le BonMarche, will open on the site of the Grade 1 listed Kitty’s Bakery and demolition work is due to start next week. No doubt Mr Bon’s band Culture Club will be giving him a hand building the new shop, if they can stop singing Calmer Chameleon of course. Yours sincerely Valerie Saddleworth CBE. Chairlady. The Beckworth Guild of Trade & Commerce

Wispa Gold

(Above) Simon Le Bon holding one of LeBonMarche’s best selling discreet ladies’ lines

Asylum Seeker Found In Supermarket

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Please beware residents of Beckworth. An asylum seeker has been found hiding inside Sainsco supermarket secreting himself in the vegetable aisle. A home-office translator has said the refugee had travelled thousands of miles from a very warm Senegal due to suffering a lifetime of severe sun stroke whilst residing there. Hitching a lift in a sweet corn to seek a new life in the UK he is said to be in rude health, although doctors can’t work out if he’s currently sleeping or actually dead. The caterpillar has 60 days to make his claim for asylum and in the mean time is being paid unemployment benefits and given a roof over his head in a lettuce at a council run B&B. Thank you, Abdul Ackworth, chemist.
Abduls The Chemist, 17 Floyd Street, Beckworth

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(Above) The asylum seeker found hiding earlier today

Missing Musketeers

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Well done to the BBC for their very interesting drama series Musketeers. My only criticism is why have they fallen into the decades old trap of leaving out the fifth and sixth musketeers, Darius and Pathos, who were central characters in the original book. The hapless musketeers may have been described as sexist, flatulent and a tad portly but surely that would only have added to the dramatic story lines? For me their noticeable absence spoilt the enjoyment of an otherwise spotless documentary series. Perhaps the cull was due to the BBC cuts that also have seen the broadcasters move a frankly uneventful Bill Oddie-less Spring Watch to a shed in the wilds of northern England? Ray Eastleigh

Church Targeted By Mindless Vandals

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Dear all. I’m very sad to say that Anthony “Tony” Worrall-Thompson and his son Heston Blumenthal’s “Fudgeworth” (model village of Beckworth made entirely of fudge), has been vandalised. “It’s really galling” said Tony “We were really close to finishing the model of Sainsco’s supermarket and I only nipped off site to have a quick Jimmy Riddle behind a tree. My son Heston was in the kitchen making a fudge model of some shopping trolleys and the mindless thugs came and trampled on the church.” “It was was of the best bits” chipped in Heston “As we’d made a bestman and groom standing outside having a fag whilst they waited for the bride to show up” Unfortunately the CCTV is on the blink so we’ve got no idea who could have desecrated Fudgeworth but the Police have been informed. One ray of sunshine in amongst today’s clouds is that Tony and Heston have applied for an art’s council grant to fund the completion of the project and they tell me they are quietly confident “More people will want to see our art than a messed up bed” said Tony “Or half a shark in a big tank of water” added Heston. In the mean time let’s crack on and repair what’s been lost. Please continue to make your fudge bricks and toffee mortar we couldn’t do this without you. And remember we are an equal opportunities hotel with wheelchair access so there’s no excuse for people unsteady on their feet not dropping off fudge. Thanks, Sandy Luton, General Manager, Hill View Hotel

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(Above) A very upset Heston and Tony (just out of shot) earlier today