Hello. I don’t know about you, but PC Rozzer and I have been getting royally pissed off just finding grey nylon ties as clues to help us solve the Stag Do Massacre case. So it came as something of a relief when a discarded wrapper was found by an observant member of the public (Thank you Mr Simon “Drivetime” Mayo). Thank God for litter I say, because there is more to this wrapper than meets the eye. It is obviously a clue to the identity of the ring leader of the Stag Do Massacre gang, most likely left by getaway driver Les Gateshead as it was found near to the van where he left his tie. (Please don’t try and approach the area around the evidence as the anti-terrorist bomb-squad are in attendance as they believe the litter to be booby trapped and a threat to local wildlife). The real break through is that the wrapper once contained a peanut-based snack bar called either Mr Tim or Mr Tom. So Mr Gateshead is letting us know the gang’s Mr Big is actually called Tim… or Tom. It’s a very subtle clue but Les knew we’d crack it. Now Rozzer and I are good detectives but even we need some help now and again. So this is where you come in. Perhaps you know people with the names Tim and Tom who are crime lords? Maybe you’ve not seen them around since the day you saw the duo disposing of bodyparts in the recycling bins, and pointed out the bin men aren’t due for another three days? Or perhaps you are Mr Gateshead’s dentist and have told him not to eat so many sugary snack bars with christian names or else his teeth will fall out? If so CID would like to hear from you. Please ring 999 and ask for PC R Cowgrove at Beckworth Police station. PC Rozzer and I will be handling this mass murder case in between watching our collection of Columbo and Ironside videos. I’ll keep you posted on developments. Yours, PC Cowgrove. Beckworth Police

(Above) A discarded sweet wrapper called Tim, or Tom, earlier today