Dear Prof Cox Why Did The Lovely Dinosaurs Die?

Hello to my Coxettes, it’s your manicured mentor Prof Brian Cox here, and although i’m about to take a “beauty nap” before attending a celebs only Skype call with Prince Charles, i’m contractually obliged to write you this missive…Therefore, I’m once again using my immense knowledge of the universe to improve your lives. Today’s question came from a young lad called Neil, who wants “help” with his school homework. He says he and his chums are all going to be schooled from home for a while as the C-Virus has closed their school. I’m guessing a lot of children will be wanting “Uncle” Brian’s help in the coming weeks. Watch this space… Anyway Neil wants know “What Killed The Dinosaurs”

Firstly, to give you some context  I shall give you some background information about the dinosaurs. They roamed the earth about 5 or 6 thousand years ago. I say roamed as they didn’t live in houses nor were they kept in cages or fields like today’s animals. Farming and zoos hadn’t been invented yet. These lumbering giants were constantly on the move, apart from when they slept, looking for the next meal. Just like humans dinosaurs were all different, some were tall, scruffy and thin, some short, big boned & sexually inactive, others colourful & beautiful with great hair & teeth making them very attractive to the opposite and same sex, rather like me. Many ate meat, some ate fish and whilst others were strict vegans… But what they all had in common was a lack of wings. They simply couldn’t fly.

And it was this stupid inability to learn to fly, or even to invent aeroplanes, that made them extinct. How come Uncle Brian? I hear Neil and all the young people ask…

Let me take you back in time to dinosaur time. For hundreds of years every creature was very happy. There was low unemployment, plenty to eat and the world was warm and sunny most days. Even when it rained everyone was happy. Dinosaurs probably didn’t wash much and the rain was natures way of making them have a well deserved shower (sadly without soap). But one day the dinosaurs looked up to the sky, it was darkening and sun was becoming blotted out. They probably discussed amongst themselves what it could be? Clouds? An old satellite falling to earth, or perhaps the moon doing one of those eclipse things it did every now again just to annoy them. In the end the dinosaurs decided to run and hide. But the meteorite was so big there were no good places to hide… Not even caves or mud huts could shelter them. So sadly they all perished due to a large rock being fired at the Earth by aliens. In just one morning, afternoon, or early evening they were all wiped out. Dead.

Had they been able to fly (or had helicopters), they would have survived simply by flying out of harms’ way and sitting in trees… If they’d had that one skill, or a pilots licence, they would be around today. That is why we have birds today, they could fly out of the way and survive…And before you ask we still have fish and sharks because the meteorite missed the sea by a few miles. Lucky that, imagine a world without fish & chips or Jaws!

So there you go, another “Did You Know This” fact complete. I’m going to get off now, grab a quick forty winks, wash my hair and get onto my laptop to join Prince Charles and other clever celebs in creating a cure for Corona Virus  Keep well, Prof Brian Cox.

Prince Charles & Brian Cox 2

(Above) An artist’s impression of Prof Brian Cox, Sir Prince Charles and celebrity chums finding a cure for Corona Virus using the prof’s DNA

Cuddly Toy Inventor To Marry For Seventh, Or Eighth, Time

Breaking toy news just in… Local resident, 97 year old Edna Cumberbatch, is to marry husband number seven, or eight, in the new year. A very excited Edna says she has lost count of the marriages and divorces she’s had, but she still believes in love. And sex. Sprightly Edna said her new husband is 78 years her junior and doesn’t speak English, but thankfully he is very “gifted” in other areas. Mrs Cumberbatch, already a mother of 14, says she hopes to have more babies and will start trying on her wedding night. She is of course famous Worldwide as the “mother” of thousands of babies already as she’s the inventor of the Cumberbatch Dolls, which made her a multi-millionaire and quite a catch. She invented the ugly yet cuddly vegetable dolls as a present for a baby Prince Charles (who she’d noticed loved talking to veg and plants) when she was the Queen‘s Lady of The Water Closet. Many famous people own the dolls, even ex-premier Gordon Brown is said to be an ardent collector. But oddly her Grandson Benedict says he doesn’t like them much. Thankfully on the subject of the wedding he was more positive “I’m honoured to be reprising my role of page boy, for the third time, and I may even wear my old Dr Who clobber up the aisle.” Good luck with the baby making to Edna and fiance Mohammad. Christine Batley. Chief Elderly Wedding Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

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(Above) A visibly thrilled Benjamin Cumberbatch cuddles two of his Gran’s dolls

Funky Prince Announces One Off Gig

Hello all, i’ve been bursting to tell you all but sworn to secrecy until today because the diminutive Prince has chosen The Blind Badger to play a one off gig to launch his CD and try out his backing band. Yes, funky Royalty will be playing in our back room this Friday from 8.30. He will be playing tracks from his album “Purple Reign” which includes songs by Chas & Dave, the Beatles and Coldplay. The Prince, who likes to go incognito using the English sounding name Eddie Windsor, told me over the phone “My favourite song on the album is a cover of my namesake Prince’s Raspberry Beret. It was seeing him on YouTube that gave me the idea of launching a singing career. I’d been looking for a goal in life for sometime and singing and dancing fitted the bill. Mama says I was born to perform and I haven’t found a macho role like the one’s my brothers have created for themselves… Andrew likes to fly helicoptors, Charles talks to trees and Anne is very close to his horses” So come and give your support to Prince Eddie as he tread the boards for the first time this Friday. Tickets are a steal at £12 and as an added incentive out-of-date Twigletts are half price. Resident DJ Diddy David Dimbleby will be spinning the tunes at his late night disco, so see you there. Cindy Carmarthen, Bar Manager, The Blind Badger Pub & Venue

Beckworth_Prince William Singing

(Above) Prince Edward “rock’s out” during rehearsals in a pretend forest earlier today

Beckworth Star Spot: Prince Charles

Hello. I’ve just seen Royal friend of the earth Prince Charles cycling to the shops surrounded by his body guards. Mr Charles really is a man of the people as every few yards he stopped to chat to his subjects and sign autographs. Also, his ears are a lot smaller in real life, as you can see in the photo I took. Leslie Warwick

Prince Charles On A Bike

(Above) Nature lover Prince Charles spotted in town today

Susan Boyle Is Queen For A Day


Just a reminder that today, from 1pm, we will be recreating the Queen’s Coronation in St Faith’s church. Come and relive the sights and sounds of 80 years ago, we’ve got some acting “royalty” being real Royalty, Ross Kemp is playing Prince Philip, Susan Boyle is the young virgin Queen with Fern Cotton as Princess Anne and Gary Barlow as Prince Charles. They’ll be choristers singing carols, a miniature horse and carriage, and the vicar will be pretending to be the Pope, doing all the crowning and stuff. It’s a must see afternoon for the whole family and for those that can’t fit in the church we will be relaying the sounds very loudly over speakers in the graveyard. So come all ye faithful.

The Beckworth & Crewbury Historical Re-enactors