Heroic Son Speed Skates To Rio

Hello to Beckworth residents and to the many millions of my husband Noel’s dedicated fans. I wanted to keep you updated with the whereabouts of our youngest son Neil, the World famous ice skating champion and mime artist, last seen serving six years hard-labour in an Italian jail. Well, I’m pleased to announce that he escaped prison and today our dear boy arrived safely in Brazil. Handsome Neil hitched a six-month lift from Italy to Rio on a leaky oil tanker and practiced skating almost daily on the rusty deck. You may remember he left Beckworth a couple of years ago on his solo around the World quest and after a few hiccups is now at the 2016 Olympics. He sadly isn’t competing due to alleged irregularities, which we blame on his Russian trainer, but will be watching many events including his favourite event. The diving. You can sponsor Edmunds Jnr on his around the world trip via his dad (Noel Edmunds)’s Deal Or No deal website, and believe me he needs all the money he can get. Bribed prison guards, Olympic tickets and five-star hotels don’t come cheap, even when you’re the son of the World’s greatest TV game-show host. Many thanks (Mrs) Nell Edmunds

Oiltanker

(Above) A artist’s impression of an oil tanker ideal for Neil Edmunds to skate on

Local Athlete Starts Her Epic Journey To Rio… And Gold

Breaking Olympiad news just in… Local would-be gold-medalist Bethany Folkestone waved goodbye to friends and family earlier this morning when she departed these shores set for the 2016 Olympics Games in Rio. Flying alone from Beckworth airport on the first part of her journey she hopes to arrive in the Ukraine in time to catch a cheap connecting flight from Kyiv Boryspil Airport. The transatlantic journey to Rio is estimated at 63-hours, give or take or a day.  Extremely tall and plucky eight-year old Bethany, who passes for someone twice her age hence how she can compete in the Olympics, is the UK’s brightest hope in both the freeform and co-ordinated routine skipping disciplines. She already has a Brownie badge for skipping and four local and county level certificates to her name (though two are for swimming and one for keeping her bedroom tidy for a whole week). We wish Bethany well in Brazil and hope she gets there in time for the opening ceremony. Christine Batley. Chief Rope Jumping Correspondent. Beckworth Guardian

Beckworth-Skipping

(Above) Olympic hopeful Bethany Folkestone in training earlier this week