Later This Week Why Not Not Pop A Squirrel In Your Pocket

Hello. Just a reminder that Wednesday to Friday this week it’s National Take A Rodent To Work For Part Of The Week week. This is a golden opportunity to introduce all our small furry friends to the world of gainful employment, whether full- or part-time, and get them off benefits. And, if you yourself are one of our beloved country’s many many workshy, the unemployed can take their mammals to sign-on or to accompany them to the off-licence to get drunk and abusive outside the station. And let’s not forget our aged end-of-life retired citizens who can take mice, gerbils, rats, beavers etc along to a social club or to buy cigarettes whilst complaining about b****y foreigners to the tolerant Asian shop-keeper. This half-week is also a good opportunity to shine a light on to some incredibly stupid rules, for instance: did you know rodents are currently banned from hospitals, dentists, public toilets and doctors surgeries. Crazy isn’t it? But let’s face it rodents are so small you should try sneaking yours in.

In previous years I’ve had many letters and unstamped postcards saying “But I haven’t got a small burrowing-animal to offer work-experience to.” Fear not, you can now “test-drive” one as local pet shops and online retailers are hiring them out. I’m told rental is for a minimum of five days, prices vary depending on the size of rodent, but a deposit of £350 per animal is required first. Sounds like a bargain.
And the icing on the “mammal-shaped cake” is that some local employers are offering internships to these creatures, such as working for blocked-drain companies or delivering groceries in little carts. So get your skates on and have a great end of week at work with man’s tiny best friends. Ruth Freshford. Manager. JobCentrePlus
Beckworth_Squirrel In Your Pocket

Major Shake-Up in The World Of Media

Breaking newspaper news just in… Media moguls have just announced in our office, via an email, that the centuries old Beckworth Guardian has been sold to neighbouring rival newspaper The Slocombe Herald. Last week the Herald bought it’s other main rival, The Nightly Gazette evening paper, so now has a monopoly in the Beckworth region. In a misspelt statement leaked to some staff the new “foreign investor” owners claimed the buyout represented a bright future for us all, but probably less bright for the many staff who will be persuaded to take voluntary redundancy or be sacked on the spot. My boss has announced her “very early retirement” (she’s only 34) and we’re told that as of now the paper’s will be merged into one snapilly named title, Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette (B.A.S.H.I.N.G.) with the first issue hitting the streets lunchtime tomorrow. The timing is to cleverly pick up readers of both the replaced morning and evening papers. The new title is still going to be chock full of the latest local news and still hate anything European, left-wing, liberal or green. For the time being I have been demoted and will have to reapply for my job, but I am confident the respected new editor (coming from a national newspaper) will value my talent. So it’s RIP Beckworth Guardian and bon voyage Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette. Christine Batley. Deputy Chief Is My Job Safe Correspondent. Beckworth And Slocombe Herald Incorporating Nightly Gazette